Avoiding Learning
It is a perplexing and common phenomenon in the aftermath of a relationship scam that many victims will go to great lengths to avoid learning about their own trauma, grief, and psychology. While the path to recovery lies in understanding the internal landscape of the experience, a significant number of individuals will actively redirect their focus outward. This avoidance is not a sign of laziness or a lack of intelligence; it is a deeply ingrained psychological defense mechanism designed to protect a mind that has been pushed beyond its limits.
The primary reason for this avoidance is the overwhelming nature of confronting the self. To learn about the psychological dynamics of trauma is to hold up a mirror to the deepest, most painful parts of the experience. It means facing the raw shame of having been manipulated, the profound grief for a future that never existed, and the terrifying realization that one’s own mind could be so thoroughly hijacked. This internal work is excruciatingly difficult and requires a level of emotional vulnerability that feels threatening. For many, the prospect of wading through that pain is so daunting that any distraction becomes a welcome refuge. The mind, in a desperate act of self-preservation, chooses the path of least resistance, even if that path leads nowhere.
This avoidance often manifests in two distinct, yet equally unhelpful, directions. The first is an obsessive focus on the external details of the scam and the scammer. The victim may spend countless hours researching scammer tactics, trying to track down the perpetrator, or immersing themselves in online forums dedicated to exposing fraud. This pursuit is often framed as a quest for justice, and while a desire for accountability is healthy, it can become a maladaptive coping mechanism. It allows the victim to channel their anger and energy into an external target, which feels far more productive and empowering than turning that same critical gaze inward. By focusing on the “bad guy,” they can temporarily avoid the more painful work of examining their own vulnerabilities and emotional wounds. The pursuit of justice becomes a shield against the necessity of self-examination.
The second common avoidance strategy is the retreat into insipid, fake positivity. This is the “toxic positivity” trap, where the victim latches onto platitudes like “just think positive” or “everything happens for a reason” as a way to sidestep their painful emotions. They may force themselves to post cheerful affirmations or aggressively shut down any negative feelings, believing that happiness is a choice and a direct route to recovery. This approach is particularly appealing because it offers the illusion of control and quick-fix solutions. However, psychological trauma cannot be thought away or smiled into submission. This forced optimism invalidates the very real grief and anger that must be processed for healing to occur. It is like putting a brightly colored bandage over a deep, infected wound; it covers the problem but allows the infection to fester underneath.
If a person interprets this analysis as victim-blaming, they are profoundly wrong. Acknowledging these psychological avoidance tactics is not about assigning fault to the victim for the scam itself; the fault for the crime lies solely with the perpetrator. Rather, this is about understanding the obstacles that naturally arise in the aftermath of trauma and can impede healing. Blame suggests a moral failing, while this analysis identifies a common, predictable, and involuntary survival response. It is an act of compassion to point out that the very mechanisms designed to protect the mind can become counterproductive later on. Identifying these patterns is not a criticism of the victim, but a roadmap to help them navigate the difficult terrain of recovery, empowering them to move beyond survival strategies and toward genuine, lasting healing.
