Distancing Yourself from Resentment

Resentment is a complex, corrosive emotion that acts like a psychological anchor, holding a person in the past.

Resentment is not merely anger; it is a corrosive blend of indignation, bitterness, and a sense of profound injustice that is allowed to ferment over time. It is the emotional residue of a wound that refuses to heal, a story we repeatedly tell ourselves about how we were wronged. Unlike the sharp, immediate heat of anger, resentment is a cold, slow-burning fire that provides a deceptive illusion of power and control. It convinces us that by holding onto the grudge, we are somehow keeping the offender accountable and preventing future harm. In reality, it is a self-inflicted prison where we willingly serve a life sentence, continuously re-living the original pain while the offender has likely moved on. It is a poison we drink, hoping the other person will die.

For a scam victim, it is often a multi-headed beast, with its fury directed at the scammer who deceived them, the society that seems to judge them, the law enforcement that can’t help them, and most devastatingly, at themselves for falling for it. Telling someone in this position to simply “let it go” is not only unhelpful but can feel like a profound invalidation of their pain. It asks them to relinquish the one thing that feels like it’s protecting them from further harm. The resentment, as toxic as it is, provides a sense of control and righteous anger in a situation where they were rendered utterly powerless. The goal, therefore, is not to force a grand surrender but to gently create distance from it, allowing it to occupy less space in their daily life.

If resentment is not distanced and contained, it doesn’t just linger; it metastasizes, consuming the person from the inside out. It becomes a cognitive and emotional prison, warping the lens through which every new experience is viewed. The victim’s world shrinks, defined not by present possibilities but by past injustices. This all-consuming bitterness poisons new relationships, as potential friends or partners are viewed with suspicion and seen as potential threats. The constant internal state of anger and stress floods the body with cortisol, leading to tangible physical health problems like high blood pressure, weakened immunity, and chronic pain. In the end, by refusing to loosen its grip, the victim grants their scammer a final, devastating victory: the long-term theft of their own life, joy, and future.

The first technique is to externalize the resentment through personified journaling. Instead of just writing about your feelings, give your resentment a name and a form. Describe what “The Resentment” looks like, sounds like, and what it wants. Is it a snarling dog, a clinging shadow, a screaming judge? By treating it as a separate entity, you begin to create a sliver of space between “you” and “the resentment.” You can then journal a dialogue with it. Acknowledge its presence: “I see you, Resentment. I know you are here because I was wronged and you are trying to protect me from ever being hurt again.” This act of acknowledgment without judgment validates the emotion’s purpose without letting it completely take over.

A second powerful technique is to schedule your resentment. This sounds odd, but it is highly effective. Designate a specific, limited time each day, perhaps 15 minutes in the early evening, to sit with your resentment. During this time, you are given full permission to feel it intensely. You can rant, cry, or list every single injustice. When the timer goes off, the practice is to consciously and gently say, “Okay, our time for now is over,” and move to a different activity. This contains the emotion, preventing it from bleeding into your entire day. It teaches your brain that while the resentment is valid, it doesn’t have to be the constant soundtrack to your life.

Finally, practice sensory grounding when you feel the resentment’s grip tightening. Resentment lives in the mind, replaying stories of past wrongs. To get distance from it, you must come back into your body and the present moment. A simple technique is the 5-4-3-2-1 method: silently name five things you can see, four things you can feel (the chair beneath you, the fabric of your shirt), three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. This forces your brain to shift from the abstract, emotional realm of resentment to the concrete, sensory reality of the present. It’s a small act of rebellion that says, “The past is not happening right now. In this moment, I am safe.” These techniques don’t erase the resentment, but they create a vital buffer, giving you the room to breathe and, eventually, to heal.

Prof. Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.
December 2025