Let It Go – An Unachievable Goal for Many Scam Victims in Recovery

The phrase “let it go” is often offered to scam victims as a well-intentioned mantra of healing, a simple and seemingly achievable goal, especially by other survivors. It promises a clean break from the pain, a way to move on by simply deciding to leave the trauma in the past. However, for those who adopt this idea as their primary recovery strategy, it often becomes a trap, leading them not toward peace but down a path of quiet disillusionment and eventual negativity. The fundamental problem is that “letting it go” sounds great in a Disney movie, but not in real recovery. It is not a passive act of will but the final outcome of a long, arduous, and active process of recovery. Without the work of therapy and self-examination, the command to “let it go” is like telling someone with a broken leg to just walk it off.

Initially, this approach can feel empowering. The victim, desperate to reclaim their sense of control, clings to the idea that they can simply choose to be unaffected. They tell themselves and others that they are over it, that they’ve put the scam behind them. This performance of strength is a fragile shield against the overwhelming feelings of shame and grief. But the trauma is not a memory that can be filed away; it is a physiological and neurological wound that remains active in their nervous system. The unprocessed fear, anger, and betrayal do not disappear simply because they are ignored. They fester beneath the surface, waiting for a trigger.

The decision to “let it go” is not the same as the commitment to recover and the recovery process. In fact, they are complete opposites.

Over time, this internal conflict between the conscious desire to “let it go” and the unconscious reality of the unhealed wound creates a profound psychological pressure. The victim begins to feel like a failure. They believe they are not recovering correctly because, despite their best efforts to “let it go,” they are still plagued by anxiety, trust issues, and intrusive thoughts. This is where the insidious shift towards negativity begins. The frustration and self-blame that were originally directed at the scammer and at themselves for being victimized slowly morph into frustration and blame directed outward.

The support system, whether a therapist, a support group, or helpful friends, becomes the target of this displaced negativity. The victim starts to view their recovery process, and by extension, those guiding it, as ineffective. “Why am I still feeling this way?” they ask. “This therapy isn’t working,” or “This support group isn’t helping.” They perceive their continued pain as a failure of the recovery process and the support provider, rather than as a predictable symptom of an incomplete recovery. It is a classic defense mechanism: it is far less painful to believe the tools are broken than to confront the terrifying reality that you have not yet been able to do the hard work yourself. The mantra “let it go” has created an impossible standard, and when they inevitably fail to meet it, they blame the map, not the fact that they haven’t actually finished the journey.

This downward spiral is tragic because it prevents the very thing needed for healing. By turning against their support system, they isolate themselves just when they need connection most. They reject the therapeutic tools that could help them process the trauma because those tools require them to first admit that they haven’t let it go. The path to true recovery is not about letting go; it is about walking through the fire. It is about feeling the anger, grieving the loss, and doing the painstaking work of learning and understanding how the trauma changed them. Only by actively engaging with the wound can it truly begin to close. The simple, seductive idea of “letting it go” bypasses this essential work, creating a false sense of progress that inevitably crumbles, leaving behind a residue of bitterness and a deeper sense of being broken than before.

Prof. Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.
January 2026