Trauma Pleasing and Appeasing – The Impact on Identity and Self-Worth
Helping Scam Victims Understand One of the Trauma Responses that Can Contribute to Vulnerability to Scams
Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology
Author:
• Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
About This Article
Trauma can significantly alter an individual’s behavior, leading to patterns of pleasing and appeasing others as a way to avoid conflict, feel safe, or prevent further harm. These behaviors often become deeply ingrained, making it difficult for trauma survivors to recognize their authentic identity. Scam victims are especially vulnerable to this cycle, as feelings of guilt and shame may drive them to seek external validation.
However, trauma can have the opposite effect as well, leading to overassertiveness, hyper-independence, or emotional withdrawal as self-protection mechanisms. Understanding these dynamics is critical for trauma recovery. By building self-awareness, victims can identify maladaptive behaviors, set boundaries, and ultimately rebuild their sense of self. Through support and conscious effort, they can break free from these patterns and foster emotional resilience.
Trauma, Pleasing, and Appeasing: Breaking the Cycle and Reconnecting with Identity
Trauma can have profound and long-lasting effects on an individual’s sense of self, often leading to behaviors like people-pleasing and appeasing as coping mechanisms.
These patterns of behavior, while initially serving as ways to avoid conflict or further harm, can become ingrained, making it difficult for individuals to reconnect with their true identity. For scam victims, these tendencies can be a primary vulnerability that makes them susceptible to manipulation. This article explores how trauma sufferers get stuck in these patterns and offers strategies to help them break free and regain a sense of identity.
Also see Mistaking Trauma Responses for Personality Traits
Trauma Traps People in Pleasing and Appeasing Behaviors
People who have experienced trauma often develop coping mechanisms to avoid triggering further pain or conflict. Pleasing and appeasing others can become default responses to maintain safety in emotionally charged situations. This pattern can be particularly strong for individuals who have experienced prolonged trauma, such as emotional abuse, manipulation, or scams. Here’s why:
Fear of Conflict or Rejection: Trauma can instill a deep fear of confrontation, rejection, or being seen as unworthy. By pleasing others, trauma survivors hope to avoid negative interactions that could remind them of the trauma they’ve experienced.
Loss of Self-Worth: Scammers and abusers often erode their victims’ self-esteem, leaving them feeling unworthy of asserting their needs or desires. People in this state tend to bend over backward to make others happy, hoping that external validation will fill the void left by their damaged self-esteem.
Desire for Control: Trauma can make individuals feel out of control in their lives, particularly if they were manipulated or deceived. Pleasing others can feel like a way to regain some semblance of control by minimizing conflicts and controlling outcomes.
Survival Mechanism: Pleasing and appeasing behaviors often stem from a deep survival instinct, especially in cases of prolonged emotional manipulation or abuse. Victims may believe that keeping others happy will prevent further emotional harm.
Scam Victims are Particularly Vulnerable
For scam victims, these tendencies are often made worse by feelings of guilt and shame. Many scam victims blame themselves for being deceived, which can lead them to overcompensate by pleasing others in an attempt to prove their worth. Scammers exploit these vulnerabilities, manipulating victims through emotional appeals, guilt trips, or praise. Victims, desperate to feel valued, often continue the cycle by appeasing their manipulators, even after they know something is wrong.
How Pleasing and Appeasing Leads to a Loss of Identity
Over time, constantly prioritizing others’ needs and desires can cause trauma survivors to lose touch with their own identity. When individuals become accustomed to pleasing others to avoid conflict or gain validation, they may forget what they genuinely want or need. Here are some signs of identity loss:
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Trauma survivors may find it difficult to say “no” or establish personal boundaries. This can leave them feeling drained and resentful, yet unsure of how to stop the cycle.
Uncertainty About Preferences: Individuals stuck in pleasing patterns often become unsure about their own preferences, interests, or desires because they’ve spent so long trying to fit into the expectations of others.
Constant Anxiety About Approval: Worrying excessively about others’ approval can prevent trauma survivors from making decisions that align with their authentic selves. They may feel constantly anxious about whether they are doing enough to keep others happy.
Helping People Undo Patterns of Pleasing and Appeasing
Breaking free from the patterns of pleasing and appeasing is crucial for regaining a sense of self. Below are some strategies that trauma survivors, especially scam victims, can use to reconnect with their identity and stop these harmful behaviors.
10 Steps to Help Overcome Pleasing and Appeasing
1. Recognize the Pattern
The first step is to recognize when you are engaging in pleasing and appeasing behaviors. Ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because I’m afraid of the reaction if I don’t?”
2. Rebuild Self-Worth
Rebuilding self-esteem is essential. Recognize that your worth is not dependent on how much you please others. Start practicing self-compassion by acknowledging your own needs and desires without judgment.
3. Set Small Boundaries
Begin by setting small boundaries in safe environments. This could mean saying “no” to something minor or expressing a preference. Gradually, you can build up the strength to set firmer boundaries in more challenging situations.
4. Challenge the Need for External Validation
Try to identify moments when you are seeking validation from others. Instead of looking to others for approval, begin to affirm your own worth through self-reflection and self-praise. Practice saying things like, “I did a good job on this,” even if no one else acknowledges it.
5. Reconnect with Your Authentic Self
Spend time rediscovering your interests, preferences, and desires. This could involve journaling, trying new hobbies, or revisiting past activities you enjoyed before the trauma occurred.
6. Practice Assertiveness
Learn how to express your thoughts and needs confidently without fear of backlash. Assertiveness training or working with a coach can be valuable in learning how to express yourself while still respecting others.
7. Focus on Internal Goals
Shift your focus from trying to meet others’ expectations to setting and achieving your own personal goals. What do you want to achieve in the next week, month, or year? Start making decisions based on what fulfills you, not what pleases others.
8. Seek Professional Support
If these behaviors feel too ingrained, consider working with a professional who can help you untangle the roots of the behavior. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or other trauma-informed therapies can help address the underlying issues leading to pleasing and appeasing.
9. Learn to Say No
Practice saying “no” in low-stakes situations to build up confidence. Over time, you can assertively say no when it’s necessary to protect your well-being, even in more important scenarios.
10. Focus on Emotional Resilience
Building emotional resilience can help you cope with the discomfort of breaking out of pleasing patterns. Meditation, mindfulness, and other stress-relieving practices can help you stay grounded when faced with the pressure to appease others.
Trauma survivors, particularly scam victims, often fall into patterns of pleasing and appeasing as a way to cope with feelings of guilt, shame, or fear of conflict. These behaviors may temporarily ease anxiety, but they ultimately lead to a loss of identity and emotional exhaustion. By recognizing these patterns and taking active steps to set boundaries, rebuild self-worth, and reconnect with their authentic selves, individuals can break free from these harmful cycles. Reclaiming one’s identity is not just essential for healing, but also for preventing future vulnerabilities to manipulation.
Having the Opposite Effect
Trauma can affect people in many different ways, and while it often leads to patterns like people-pleasing and appeasing, the opposite can also occur. Instead of seeking approval, trauma can cause individuals to adopt defensive, distancing, or even aggressive behaviors as a way to protect themselves from further harm. These reactions can manifest as hyper-independence, emotional numbness, or extreme distrust of others, especially after experiences of betrayal, manipulation, or abuse, such as scams.
Hyper-Independence
Some trauma survivors may respond by developing an intense need for independence, believing that relying on others will only lead to more pain or disappointment. This hyper-independence can result in an inability to accept help, even when it is necessary or beneficial. In the case of scam victims, they may feel that trusting others again will expose them to more deception, leading them to shut out people who genuinely want to help.
Emotional Numbness or Detachment
Trauma can also lead to emotional numbness, where individuals become detached from their feelings in order to avoid re-experiencing pain. This dissociation is a defense mechanism, but it can leave people feeling disconnected from themselves and others. For scam victims, emotional numbness might prevent them from processing their experience, which can delay or complicate their recovery. Instead of confronting their emotions, they may simply shut them down.
Distrust and Isolation
On the opposite end of the spectrum from people-pleasing, trauma can foster extreme distrust of others. Scam victims, in particular, might assume that everyone has harmful intentions and refuse to form new relationships. This isolation prevents them from receiving the support they need to recover and rebuild their lives. They may also become hypervigilant, constantly on guard for signs of deception or manipulation.
Aggression and Control
Some trauma sufferers respond to feelings of vulnerability by becoming overly controlling or aggressive in their interactions. In this case, the need for self-protection takes the form of dominating others or shutting down any perceived threat before it can cause harm. Scam victims might lash out at friends or family members who try to offer support, seeing their assistance as an attempt to undermine their autonomy or criticize their past decisions.
Overcoming These Reactions
Recognizing these trauma responses is the first step to overcoming them. Healing from trauma, especially scam-related trauma, often involves addressing the underlying feelings of fear, betrayal, and loss. Building emotional resilience and working on self-awareness can help individuals navigate their defensive reactions. Seeking support—whether through professional therapy, support groups, or trusted friends—can aid in finding a balance between independence and connection.
Overassertiveness
Trauma can lead to overassertiveness as a protective response. When individuals experience trauma, especially involving betrayal, abuse, or manipulation, their sense of safety and control can be shattered. In response, they may develop an overassertive or aggressive demeanor as a way to shield themselves from further harm. This hyper-defensiveness is often rooted in a need to reassert control over their lives and prevent future vulnerabilities.
Here are several key ways in which trauma can foster overassertiveness:
Hypervigilance and Self-Protection
After trauma, particularly in cases of betrayal or violation of trust, individuals can become hypervigilant, constantly on the lookout for threats. This heightened state of alertness can make them react to even minor stressors or perceived slights with exaggerated assertiveness. Overassertiveness can emerge as an attempt to maintain a sense of control in environments where they once felt helpless or out of control.
Fear of Vulnerability
Trauma survivors may view vulnerability as dangerous, leading them to adopt an overassertive stance to avoid appearing weak. The fear that someone may exploit their emotional openness can drive them to overcompensate by asserting themselves aggressively, even in situations that don’t call for it. This is common among scam victims, who, after being deceived, may develop a defensive approach to all relationships and interactions to prevent future harm.
Establishing Boundaries with Excessive Force
In an attempt to set boundaries after experiencing a violation, trauma survivors may assert their needs and limits in a forceful or rigid manner. Because they might not feel safe, they could overcorrect by being overly firm or even confrontational when enforcing boundaries. This overassertiveness can be seen as a way to ensure that their personal space and emotional well-being are not compromised again.
Survival Mechanism Turned Maladaptive
For some trauma survivors, overassertiveness becomes a survival mechanism. In situations where they felt powerless, being overly assertive or even aggressive helped them reclaim some sense of agency. However, once the immediate threat has passed, this survival response can become maladaptive, leading to strained relationships and difficulty navigating social or professional environments.
Compensating for Feelings of Shame or Insecurity
Trauma can deeply affect a person’s sense of self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy or shame. To mask these insecurities, some individuals may adopt an overly assertive attitude to present an image of strength and confidence. By being assertive, they might feel they are compensating for perceived weakness or vulnerabilities that the trauma exposed.
Overcoming Overassertiveness as a Trauma Response
Recognizing overassertiveness as a trauma response is a critical first step in healing. Here are a few strategies that can help:
Self-awareness and reflection: Becoming aware of why certain situations trigger an overly assertive response can help individuals manage their reactions more mindfully.
Emotional regulation: Learning to regulate emotional responses through techniques like mindfulness or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can reduce the intensity of these reactions.
Healthy boundary-setting: Understanding that boundaries don’t always require forceful enforcement can lead to more balanced interactions. Developing confidence in setting boundaries calmly can help prevent overassertiveness.
Building trust gradually: For trauma survivors, learning to trust others again is key. Gradually opening up and allowing others to support them can reduce the need for extreme self-assertion.
In conclusion, trauma can lead individuals to become overassertive as a way to protect themselves from further harm. This response, while initially protective, can hinder relationships and personal growth if not addressed. Through self-awareness and support, survivors can find healthier ways to express themselves and interact with others.
Self-Awareness in Trauma Recovery
Self-awareness plays a critical role in trauma recovery by helping individuals recognize how their experiences have shaped their emotional responses, behaviors, and thought patterns. When people become more aware of how trauma has impacted them, they can begin to separate the trauma from their sense of identity and take proactive steps toward healing. Here’s how self-awareness influences trauma recovery:
Understanding Emotional Triggers
Self-awareness allows trauma survivors to identify what triggers intense emotional responses. Often, these triggers are connected to unresolved trauma, and understanding them can help individuals anticipate their reactions and manage their emotions more effectively. By being aware of how specific situations, words, or people trigger trauma responses, survivors can start to implement coping strategies, such as mindfulness or grounding exercises, that allow them to stay present rather than react out of fear or anxiety.
Breaking Negative Patterns
Trauma can cause individuals to fall into negative patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, such as overreacting, avoiding certain situations, or self-sabotaging. Self-awareness helps in recognizing these patterns and understanding their connection to the trauma. Once recognized, individuals can work on consciously breaking these cycles and replacing them with healthier habits. This is especially important for trauma survivors who have developed maladaptive coping mechanisms like overassertiveness, people-pleasing, or emotional withdrawal.
Facilitating Emotional Regulation
The more aware individuals are of their internal emotional states, the better they can regulate their emotions. Trauma often disrupts emotional regulation, leading to either overreaction or emotional numbness. Self-awareness helps trauma survivors identify when they are becoming dysregulated and apply techniques, such as deep breathing or cognitive reframing, to regain control over their emotions.
Improving Relationships
Trauma can distort how individuals perceive themselves and others, often leading to conflict or avoidance in relationships. By increasing self-awareness, trauma survivors can become more attuned to their emotional responses in relationships, learn to express their needs clearly, and identify when they are projecting past trauma onto current interactions. This fosters healthier, more supportive relationships, which are key in the recovery process.
Building a Stronger Sense of Self
Trauma can erode a person’s sense of identity and self-worth, leaving them feeling disconnected or unworthy. Self-awareness helps individuals reconnect with their true selves, separate from the trauma. By reflecting on their values, strengths, and personal growth, survivors can rebuild a sense of identity and purpose that is not defined by their traumatic experiences.
Aiding in Therapeutic Progress
In therapy, self-awareness enhances the ability to engage in the healing process. Survivors who are more self-aware can better articulate their feelings, recognize areas of growth, and work collaboratively with therapists to set meaningful goals. Self-awareness also helps individuals track their progress over time, giving them a clearer sense of how far they’ve come in their recovery journey.
Self-awareness is essential in trauma recovery because it empowers individuals to take control of their healing process. By understanding how trauma has affected their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors, survivors can break free from negative patterns, regulate their emotions, and rebuild a healthy sense of self. Self-awareness is the foundation upon which survivors can create lasting emotional resilience and healthier relationships.
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Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
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Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
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Excelente artigo sobre o processo de cura, que envolve comportamentos mal-adaptativos à autoconsciência essencial para a cura.