Impermanence and the Nature of Life & Death

An Important Lesson for Scam Victims in Recovery

Primary Category: Philosophy

Authors:
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth – Anthropologist, Scientist, Polymath, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

Author Biographies Below

About This Article

Impermanence frames every life, and that lens can steady recovery after a relationship scam. Loss of money, trust, and plans hurts, yet those things change by nature. Meaning returns when attention shifts from what cannot be controlled to what can. Epictetus’ guidance applies with clarity: choices, words, and effort remain within reach; other people’s lies, the past, and most outcomes do not. Keep impressions at arm’s length, test them, and grant assent only after facts are clear. Hold mortality in mind to sort priorities, since time is limited and today’s actions matter. Practice simple roles with dignity, such as honest reporter, careful steward, and dependable friend. Rehearse setbacks in thought, prepare small responses, and let readiness replace panic. Treat gratitude as action, not sentiment, by showing up, helping, and paying help forward. Healing grows from steady, present work, compassion for human limits, and a firm refusal to let a criminal define identity or future.

Note: This article is intended for informational purposes and does not replace professional medical advice. If you are experiencing distress, please consult a qualified mental health professional.

Impermanence and the Nature of Life & Death

An Important Lesson for Scam Victims in Recovery

An Essay by Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.

When we think about scams, overwhelmingly, we think about the impermanence and the loss that victims experience.

Scams steal from their victims. They steal their wealth, their stability, their trust, and in many cases their future. Yet all of those things are impermanent by their very nature. Fortunes come and go, stability and health come and go, trust comes and goes, so do relationships. Nothing in life is permanent except for these simple facts: we all begin the same and we all end the same – we live and we die.

Every human story opens with birth and closes with death. The middle chapters carry love, work, hope, loss, and the daily weight of small choices. This truth can feel so heavy as to be unbearable, yet it also clears the air and lets us see with clear vision, if we let it. When everything borrowed must be returned, attention tends to shift from having to being, from clinging to caring, from fear to perspective. The question becomes simple and demanding at the same time: in the short space between arrival and departure, what deserves care and our attention?

A sober view of impermanence does not flatten life. It sharpens it. The food on the table tastes brighter when waste is not taken for granted. A hug feels deeper when the mind allows the fact that one day it will be the last one. The same lens also softens the sting of loss. Homes, savings, trophies, and status will pass into other hands or into the ground. That does not make them worthless. It places them in their proper place, as tools of a life in progress rather than masters of it.

Meaning gathers in the quality of action, the texture of character, and the honesty of relationships, not in the pile of possessions or even milestones.

This stance sits at the heart of the Stoic tradition and the practical teaching of Epictetus. A former Roman slave who became a teacher, he spoke in plain lines that still work and hold meaning today: some things are up to a person, and some things are not. Grasp the first group, and freedom grows. Grip the second group, and suffering multiplies. That distinction sounds simple, yet it reaches into every part of our collective daily life. Bodies age, weather shifts, and other people make choices. Those lie outside control. Intention, attention, and action remain available. That is where dignity lives.

Epictetus urged steady contact with reality.

He asked students to keep death near in thought, not to drain joy, but to free it from anxiety. He suggested rehearsing adversity in the mind, a practice later called premeditatio malorum, so that shocks arrive as expected guests rather than invasions.

The point was not to become cold. The point was to stop being surprised by the human condition and to meet it with acceptance.

This approach matters for anyone, especially for those who have been victimized in a crime and traumatized because of it.

It holds special value for those recovering from trauma, including the emotional wounds of relationship scams. Fraud uses attachment wiring, hormones, and cognitive bias shortcuts to hook the mind. It creates a false story, then punishes any attempt to test it. When the truth arrives, shame often follows. The person who was targeted may ask how such a thing happened, and the family may struggle to understand it. Here, the Stoic frame helps restore breath and balance. It does not excuse the crime. It gives a way to move again.

Start with the Core Principle of Control.

Epictetus draws a clean line: our beliefs, our choices, our speech, and our effort sit inside the circle of what is our influence. Other people’s promises, the past, and most outcomes sit outside.

Applied to scam recovery, this line lowers self-blame. A criminal(s) chose to deceive. That choice never belonged to the victim. What sits inside the circle now includes reporting the crime, placing guardrails around their life, seeking support and working with a counselor or therapist, and rebuilding daily structure.

Healing does not demand control of the world. Healing asks for control of the next small step.

Impressions and Assent

A second principle concerns impressions and assent. Epictetus taught that an impression hits the mind first, like a headline. The next move, called assent, either accepts the headline as truth or pauses to test it. Scammers flood victims with engineered impressions: lavish attention, urgent stories, love bombing, fake documents, and staged proofs.

The lesson that follows teaches a pause. A person can learn to say, silently and calmly, “this is only an impression,” then ask for a test. During recovery, the same skill applies to intrusive thoughts: “this is only an impression; what are the facts today.” That pause (introspection) does not erase pain. It prevents old lies from running your life.

Memento Mori

Memento mori
me·men·to mo·ri
Definition: an object serving as a warning or reminder of death, such as a skull. a thought about the coming of death.

Memento mori sits nearby. Keeping death in mind brings values forward into sharp focus. When losses mount after a scam, it helps to remember that savings and status are temporary by nature. A life can still be good, even after a financial shock, because goodness rests in character, contribution, and daily mercy. This thought does not minimize the damage. It widens the frame so that hope can re-enter.

As Edgar Allan Poe said, “All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.”

Roles

Epictetus also spoke about roles. A person is not a single label. Child, parent, friend, citizen, teammate, and neighbor are roles that call for certain behaviors, certain actions, and certain mindsets. When fear or shame rises after a scam, identity can shrink to “victim.”

The role lens gently re-expands the self. Today’s list may include helper at home, honest reporter to the bank, learner in therapy, and ally to others who are still trapped. Each role carries behaviors that can be done with dignity, even on hard days. Progress often returns through small, role-anchored actions. These are very similar to the “parts” theory in psychology.

Premeditation

Premeditation of adversity offers another tool. The mind can walk through a possible setback before it happens, then pre-plan a steady response. This is not rumination; it is the development of resilience.

Consider a text that might arrive from a blocked number, the message that claims a chance to recover funds, or the sudden wave of sadness on a holiday. Picture it, name the likely feeling, and prepare a short script or action step. When the moment arrives, the plan meets it. Confidence grows, not from control of events, but from readiness to respond.

Gratitude

Gratitude rounds out this practice. Stoic gratitude does not ignore pain. It notices support, learning, and the simple gifts that survive crisis. A warm meal, a safe bed, a clear hour with a counselor, a friend who listened without judgment, or a sunrise on a rough morning count as evidence that life still offers good. Grateful attention does not erase betrayal. It keeps the nervous system from shrinking entirely around loss.

However, most people are actually not grateful at all. Of they might be in the moment. They say the right words. But gratitude is about action, not sentiment. It is about doing things in gratitude, not claiming how grateful you are. If you assume someone will help you, that it not gratitude, it is entitlement. If you fail to pay back in kind the help that you received, that is also not gratitude; it is contempt.

Gratitude is honest, and it demands your actions, not words. Just showing up is not really gratitude, but showing up with intention and delivering the actions needed is gratitude. Gratitude is not gray; it is black or white, you either are or you are not.

The Ideas

These ideas sound abstract until they touch the concrete needs of healing. Consider how they apply step by step.

First, the story about your self-worth changes when you accept these. Scams often leave a mark of humiliation. Epictetus would ask what sits inside choice right now. Honesty, courage, patience, and kindness can still be practiced. The person who was targeted can still become a person who acts with integrity. Families can still become places of patience. A victim narrative gives way to a survivor narrative, and then to a builder (thriver) narrative.

Second, the story about others changes. Anger and grief may run high toward the criminal. Those reactions make sense, but Epictetus would acknowledge the feeling, then place attention on what is possible. Reporting, cooperating with investigators, and blocking further contact are actions that fit the circle of control. Revenge sits outside the circle and tends to burn the hand that holds it. Letting the legal process work does not mean surrender. It means discipline.

Third, the story about the future changes. Early recovery can feel like standing in fog. Stoic practice uses short horizons, not trying to look far into the future and see an end to it. A day can hold a few controllable tasks: meet with the bank, attend a counseling session, cook a simple meal, walk around the block, read a SCARS Institute article about scams, scam victims, and recovery, and send an honest message to a trusted person. These small acts keep the mind in the present, which is the only place action can occur. It is also the only place that is real.

Fourth, relationships strengthen around honesty. Epictetus was clear about speech. Words shape the mind. Families that face scams recover faster when talk stays factual and respectful. Shame and blame dissolve progress. Clear statements move it forward. “A crime happened,” “money moved on these dates,” “sleep has been poor,” and “help is in motion” are sentences that guide action and reduce blame.

Fifth, boundaries are acts of care, not denial. Stoics saw self-command as freedom. After a scam, boundaries look like paused relationships, closed self-protection, and quiet periods from social media. Boundaries also include limits in conversation with people who want drama rather than truth. Calm distance from gossip protects energy for the hard work of healing.

Sixth, the body needs attention because these crimes and the trauma they bring is not just in the mind. Epictetus understood that mind and body work together; we now recognize this too. Recovery includes sleep routines, steady meals, hydration, sunlight, and movement. These are not luxuries. They help the nervous system regain balance and a sense of safety, so that therapy and problem-solving can exist. Quiet breath work, simple stretching, and short walks beat grand plans that fade in a week. Modest, repeatable care signals safety to the body, which in turn steadies the mind.

Seventh, meaning rebuilds through service and real gratitude. Stoic ethics grows from the idea that humans share a community. After acute pain softens, many survivors find relief by helping others avoid the same trap. This is called paying your way forward. That service might look like sharing warning signs with a friend, supporting a local prevention talk, supporting a victim services provider, or participating in a moderated support group. Service does not erase what happened. It converts suffering into guidance for others, which often lightens private grief. 

Awareness of Mortality

Throughout, the awareness of mortality plays a gentle but vital role. Death sits at the end of every chapter. This thought, when held without panic, clarifies your options and choices. Hours spent obsessing over the criminal’s life will fail the test of limited time.

If yopu have a limited time in your life, why would you want to spend precious moments obsessing over a criminal(s)? Yet, it is estimated that over a quarter of all victims do just that. Social media is full of such scammer hate groups.

Hours spent with people who care about you, hours spent learning, hours spent making a small part of the world safer, and hours spent resting a tired mind are what you need. Memento mori asks a quiet question each morning: given that life is short, which actions today honor what matters most.

Healing also benefits from language that matches reality. Epictetus points again to impressions and assent. A mind that says, “I am ruined,” will act as if hope is gone. A mind that says, “I am hurt, I am learning, and I can act,” will look for the next step. Words neither deny pain nor grant it the final word. They name pain, claim agency, and leave room for growth.

Here are affirmations that we use at the SCARS Institute:

• It was not my fault
• I am a survivor
• I am not alone
• I am worthy – Axios

Spiritual Beliefs

Some people carry spiritual beliefs, and others do not. Stoicism works with either stance. Its tools ask for careful attention and repeated practice, not faith in a particular doctrine. It makes space for grief and insists on responsibility. It holds high standards for character and offers compassion for human weakness. This balance helps survivors avoid two traps: harsh self-judgment that stalls progress, and empty slogans that float above real problems (false encouragement and toxic positivity).

Consider a concrete scene. A victim discovers that months of messages with a supposed partner were fiction. Their money is gone. Their trust feels broken. The night brings racing thoughts, and the morning brings dread.

The Stoic sequence does not promise easy feelings, yet it does provide a road map:

• Accept the facts without drama.
• Place attention on what can be done by sundown.
• One call to the bank, one report number written down, one supportive message to a friend, one appointment on the calendar, one simple dinner, one walk in fresh air, one page read about common tactics, and one hour with screens off before bed.
• Then a short review: what helped, what hurt, and what to try tomorrow.

This is not glamorous. It is steady. That is how recovery, in part, usually works.

Comparing Pain

Epictetus would also note the hazard of comparing your pain to others. Some lose more money, others less. Some face public fallout, others do not. The proper standard stays the same. Keep faith with what is in your power, act with justice and kindness, and let go of the rest. The mind that measures healing by other people’s losses or timelines suffers twice. The mind that measures healing by today’s faithful actions finds momentum.

Final Thought

A final thread returns to love. Stoicism sometimes gets misread as a dry philosophy; it is not. In practice, it makes space for deeper caring and emotions. When mortality is kept in view, the ordinary becomes precious. A cup of coffee shared in quiet honesty outranks a dozen glittering lies. Time given to a child or a friend becomes time well used. Gratitude turns from a mood into a daily stance. Even on a hard day, someone can say, truthfully, “I breathed through a wave of fear, I told the truth once, I made one call, I ate, I rested, and I did not lie to myself.” That is the kind of day that builds a life again.

Everything ends. That line can depress or liberate. Epictetus offers the more generous reading. Since everything ends, choose character over clinging, truth over fantasy, compassion over contempt, and practice over perfection. Trauma writes a rough chapter, yet it does not own the book. The pages that remain can hold steadier choices, calmer nerves, cleaner boundaries, and a kind of joy that does not depend on illusions. Life stays short. Within that limit, life can still be good.

Afterword: Who Was Epictetus?

Epictetus was a Greek Stoic teacher who turned hardship into clear guidance on how to live with dignity. Born around 55 CE (AD) in Hierapolis, Phrygia, he spent his early life enslaved in Rome in the household of Epaphroditus, a powerful imperial secretary. He studied under the Stoic scholar Musonius Rufus, gained his freedom, and began teaching philosophy. In 93 CE (AD), when Emperor Domitian expelled philosophers from Rome, he resettled in Nicopolis, Greece, and founded a school that drew students from across the Mediterranean.

His student Arrian recorded his lessons in the Discourses and distilled them in the handbook known as the Enchiridion. Epictetus taught that some things lie within a person’s control, such as judgment, intention, and effort, while externals, such as health, reputation, and wealth, do not. He emphasized careful attention to impressions, steady practice in virtue, and a life aligned with reason and community. Accounts describe a simple manner of living, patient humor, and a classroom focused on daily discipline rather than display.

He died around 135 CE (AD). His ideas traveled widely through late antiquity, informed early Christian thought, and later shaped modern writers and therapists. Today, his voice remains direct, compassionate, and practical, pointing people back to choice, character, and responsible action.

Glossary

• Acceptance — This term describes a clear-eyed recognition of facts as they are, not as someone wishes them to be. Acceptance reduces struggle with the past and frees energy for the next helpful action.
• Agency — Agency is the sense that a person can choose a response and take a step that matters. It grows when attention returns to small, controllable actions.
• Amygdala Hijack — This phrase refers to a surge of fear or anger that narrows thinking and speeds reactions. Scammers exploit this state with urgent stories to push rapid decisions.
• Assent — In Stoic practice, assent is the decision to accept a first thought as true. Pausing before assent allows testing an impression with facts.
• Authority Bias — Authority bias is the tendency to trust claims from people who appear powerful or expert. Scammers use uniforms, titles, and jargon to trigger this shortcut.
• Boundaries — Boundaries are clear limits that protect time, money, and attention. Healthy boundaries reduce exposure to manipulative pressure and support safer choices.
• Breath Work — Slow breathing practices calm the body and widen attention. Two longer exhales than inhales can lower stress before making a decision.
• Circle of Control — This idea separates what a person can influence from what they cannot. Focusing on beliefs, choices, and effort restores dignity and steadies recovery.
• Cognitive Bias — A cognitive bias is a mental shortcut that saves effort but can distort judgment. Recognizing common biases helps prevent repeated mistakes.
• Confirmation Bias — This bias favors information that supports an existing belief and ignores what conflicts with it. Scam narratives rely on this pattern to feel convincing.
• Counseling — Counseling provides a private setting to process grief, fear, and confusion with a trained professional. It often accelerates recovery and reduces shame.
• Crisis Plan — A crisis plan lists steps to take when emotions spike or contact from a scammer reappears. Simple scripts and preselected supports reduce panic.
• Dignity — Dignity means acting with self-respect and honesty despite hardship. It shows in truthful speech, steady effort, and fair treatment of others.
• Digital Hygiene — Digital hygiene includes safe passwords, device updates, and careful handling of links and downloads. Good habits reduce the chance of repeat scams.
• Disclosure — Disclosure is the decision to share essential facts with a safe helper, such as police or a counselor. Timely disclosure improves protection and documentation.
• Epictetus — Epictetus was a Stoic teacher who emphasized control over judgment and choice rather than over external events. His guidance supports practical recovery after loss.
• Evidence Log — An evidence log gathers screenshots, dates, payment records, and profiles in one place. Organized records help with reports and financial reviews.
• Financial Safety Freeze — A safety freeze includes bank alerts, card blocks, and credit bureau freezes when needed. It cuts off further losses while next steps are planned.
• Forgiveness — Forgiveness releases the hold of resentment without erasing accountability. It protects health and attention, and it never excuses the crime.
• Fraud Trauma — Fraud trauma refers to the mix of shock, grief, fear, and shame after a deception. Symptoms can affect sleep, focus, and trust, and they benefit from care.
• Gaslighting — Gaslighting is a tactic that makes a person doubt memory, judgment, or sanity. Scammers use it to keep control and isolate victims from support.
• Gratitude in Action — This form of gratitude shows up as practical help, timely thanks, and follow-through. It strengthens relationships and repairs trust.
• Grief Wave — A grief wave is a sudden rise of sadness or anger that comes in cycles after loss. Naming the wave and using simple grounding skills often helps it pass.
• Healing Timeline — A healing timeline reminds that recovery unfolds in phases, not on a fixed schedule. Progress appears as steadier days, clearer thinking, and safer habits.
• Hormone Rush — Warm messages, novelty, and fear can trigger chemical surges that shape mood and attention. Awareness of this effect explains why smart people get hooked.
• Hypervigilance — Hypervigilance is a state of constant scanning for threat. Gentle routines and professional support help it settle over time.
• Identity Rebuild — Identity rebuild is the work of seeing the self as more than a victim. New roles, skills, and values become anchors for the future.
• Impermanence — Impermanence is the fact that all conditions change, including money, status, and relationships. Remembering this truth can soften loss and sharpen priorities.
• Impression — An impression is the mind’s first take on a message or event. Treating it as a headline, not a verdict, creates space to test the claim.
• Isolation — Isolation is the cutting off of supportive voices and routines. It often grows during a scam and should be reversed with safe contact and structure.
• Journaling — Journaling captures facts, feelings, and decisions on paper. Writing can reduce mental noise and reveal patterns that need attention.
• Love-Bombing — Love-bombing is intense praise and attention delivered quickly to win trust. It often precedes requests for secrecy or money.
• Memento Mori — Memento mori is a reminder that life is finite. Keeping mortality in mind moves attention toward meaningful action and away from obsession.
• Mindfulness — Mindfulness is focused awareness of the present moment without judgment. It helps reduce rumination and supports calmer choices.
• Nervous System Reset — A reset includes sleep, hydration, movement, sunlight, and quiet time. These basics help the body feel safer and improve thinking.
• Police Report — A police report creates an official record of the crime. It supports bank claims and may aid investigations.
• Premeditation of Adversity — This Stoic practice rehearses likely setbacks and plans steady responses. It turns surprise into preparation and builds confidence.
• Present-Moment Practice — Present-moment practice draws attention to what can be done today. Short, workable tasks reduce overwhelm and build momentum.
• Privacy Hygiene — Privacy hygiene includes limiting what is shared online and reviewing app permissions. Smaller digital footprints lower risk.
• Quiet Hours — Quiet hours are protected times without screens, high-stress tasks, or scam content. They support sleep and recovery.
• Role Practice — Role practice means acting as a parent, worker, neighbor, or student with simple, honest behaviors. Purposeful roles help life feel workable again.
• Rumination — Rumination is repeated, stuck thinking that offers no new insight. Gentle interruption with action or support calls usually helps.
• Scarcity Cue — A scarcity cue claims a deal is rare or expiring soon. This tactic pushes rushed choices and should trigger a pause.
• Sunk Cost Bias — This bias defends a past choice because of time or money already spent. Stepping back to current facts weakens its pull.
• Support Network — A support network includes trusted people and services that provide safety, guidance, and care. Diverse support shortens isolation and speeds recovery.
• Survivor Mindset — A survivor mindset focuses on learning, integrity, and action after harm. It replaces self-blame with responsibility for the next step.
• Trauma-Informed Care — Trauma-informed care recognizes how stress affects the body and mind. It favors safety, choice, and collaboration in all services.
• Two-Factor Authentication — Two-factor authentication adds a second step to logins, such as a code. It blocks many account takeovers and should be used widely.
• Values Clarification — Values clarification identifies what matters most, such as honesty or service. Clear values guide decisions when emotions run high.
• Wellness Basics — Wellness basics include food, water, rest, movement, and routine contact with safe people. Consistent attention to these basics supports long-term healing.

Author Biographies

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