Recovery Has No Destination, Only A Navigation – A Journey Through Life
NOTE: The following is NOT really for new scam victims. It is for those who have already traveled the Yellow Brick Road for a year or more, who have come to realize the truth of trauma.
Recovery is not a straight road with a finish line at the horizon. After a relationship scam, hope matters, and hope may keep the next step possible, yet hope does not promise an endpoint where everything returns to how it was. The truth sits somewhere else and is more honest. The trauma of betrayal becomes part of your life story, like a small purple monster that once frightened you and now walks beside you. Over time, the monster learns your pace, you learn its language, and together you travel in a way that is steadier, quieter, and more humane.
In the first weeks, the heart often searches for a final fix, a day circled on the calendar when pain will fade and normal life will snap back into place. That wish is natural. The sense of loss is large, and the urge to erase it is strong. With time, a different picture appears. Progress shows in small ways, not in a single dramatic turn. A full night of sleep arrives. A simple meal tastes good again. A conversation with someone safe feels clear and calm. These moments do not erase what happened. They show that life can hold both memory and forward motion.
Hope plays an important role here. Hope may be a feeling, yet it also works as a practice. Each time a small routine begins, hope moves from idea to action. A short walk, a slow breath, a brief entry in a journal, and a friendly check-in can sound ordinary, and that is the point. Ordinary acts rebuild a sense of safety. They tell the nervous system that life still holds rhythm. They give structure to days that feel scattered. Across months, that structure becomes a dock where you can rest, even while the tide of emotion continues to rise and fall.
Language helps shape this dock. Calling the trauma a small purple monster can make it less threatening. You can give it a name. The color gives it a place in the mind that is not only dark, and the size suggests it can be managed. The monster does not vanish. It settles. It may grow loud on hard days, and it may grow quiet on steady ones. When it growls, you notice, you breathe, you choose one helpful action, and the volume lowers. When it sleeps, you do not poke it to test your strength. You let the quiet be quiet. In this way, the monster becomes a companion, not a ruler.
Acceptance does not mean surrender. Acceptance means telling the truth about what remains and what can change. The past event remains and will never change. The current day can change. Accepting this balance frees energy that would otherwise go into fighting the fact that the past exists. That energy can move into care, learning, and connection. Care may look like a regular bedtime. Learning may look like a short script that helps with tough questions. Connection may look like a support group, a therapist, or a trusted friend who understands that disclosure takes courage. None of this erases the monster. All of it teaches the monster to live in a smaller space.
Grief walks close to acceptance. Grief will visit in waves. A song, a date, a place on a map can bring tears without warning. When grief speaks, it often says that something mattered. Allowing those words gives the heart a way to honor what felt real, even if the person behind the messages was a criminal. Grief can hold a memory without agreeing to remain a victim. Grief can respect the version of you that did not yet know, while caring for the version of you that knows now. This kind of grief supports growth. It makes room for wisdom and softness to rise together.
Shame often tries to crowd grief out of the room. Shame repeats lines that sound like, I should have known, or, I must be weak. Those words are stories the monster wants you to keep telling yourself. They are not facts. The fact is that scammers use professional scripts, stolen photos, and pressure designed to shut down judgment. The fact is that smart, caring, careful people are targeted and manipulated every day. When the monster shows up, a different practice helps. State one true sentence out loud, such as, A criminal deceived me, and I am taking care of myself now. Truth does not need to shout. Truth needs to be heard. Tell the monster to sit down and be quiet!
Trust takes time to rebuild, and that is normal. Trust in self may come back first. Trust in others may follow with careful steps. Trust in digital spaces may take longer, and that is understandable. No single choice flips trust from off to on. Small choices add up. Asking for time before making a decision helps. Checking details with a second person helps. Using language that sets limits helps, such as, I am not ready to discuss that today. Each limit is a plank in the walkway you build toward safer ground.
Meaning grows in the spaces that limits protect. Meaning can be a fresh routine that brings calm, a purpose that points you toward service, or a habit of telling your story in a way that helps others without harming you. Some people choose to share a short version of what happened with a community group or send it to us here at the SCARS Institute. Some choose to speak with one person in private. Some write a page in a diary each week to track their steadiness and to highlight small gains. Meaning does not ask for a stage. Meaning asks for honesty, attention, and care.
Hope and acceptance can live together. Hope says that tomorrow can hold more ease and less pain than today. Acceptance says that the monster will still walk beside you but will learn to behave. When held together, these truths make room for a life that feels whole. They allow joy without the pressure to forget, and they allow caution without the loss of warmth. They keep you in the present, where choices live, where friends can help, and where time can do its slow work.
Relationships matter in this landscape. Friends and relatives may not know what to say. Some will rush. Some will offer advice that misses the point. A simple request can steer conversations toward what helps, such as, Please listen first and ask what I need, before you suggest steps. Most people want to help by fixing you and simply need guidance. When help arrives in the right shape, the monster relaxes. The body relaxes. The mind regains balance. The day feels manageable again.
Recovery as a forever journey; this may sound heavy at first. With practice, the idea becomes lighter. A forever journey does not need to be fast. A forever journey needs to be consistent, honest, and kind. The ship sails in all kinds of weather. Some days invite a longer stretch of water. Some days ask for a short harbor. Both days count. The point is not arrival. The point is presence. The point is a life that carries memory with grace and leaves space for new good things to grow. The point is a monster that becomes your pet, not your master.
On this journey, progress likes evidence. Noticing small signs helps the heart believe what the mind wants. A calmer morning counts. A polite no counts. A laugh that rises without guilt counts. Writing these moments in a notebook or a journal creates a record that you may forget to see. On harder days, those pages remind you that forward motion is real and that effort is paying off in ways that numbers cannot measure.
The monster metaphor helps with decisions as well. A companion who walks beside you needs clear rules. Rules can sound like, When fear gets loud, I pause and take three breaths before I speak, or, When doubt feels heavy, I ask one trusted person to sit with me while I decide. These rules do not scold. They guide. They reduce the space where panic likes to operate. Over time, the monster learns that your rules keep both of you safer. The pressure lowers. The path opens again.
At the end of a hard day, kindness remains the best policy. Kindness to self, kindness to the version of you that did not yet know, and kindness to the body that carried so much. A warm shower, a familiar comforting meal, a few minutes with a favorite book, and a steady bedtime all add up. Healing prefers steady work over grand gestures. Healing likes rooms that feel safe, words that feel honest, and plans that fit real life without unrealistic goals.
There is an ultimate destination for all of us. Life ends for everyone, and that truth gives shape to the road. Between now and then, a full story can unfold. The monster will still be present, smaller and better trained, like an odd friend who keeps you honest about what matters. Alongside that companion, the good things that still exist may become brighter. A morning sun, a shared meal, a clean room, a laugh with someone who understands, and a quiet night can feel more like gifts. That is not defeat. That is wisdom earned at a cost, carried with care.
Hope remains the constant that keeps this wisdom in motion. Hope says that the next step may bring steadiness. Hope says that strength can be gentle. Hope says that the person you are becoming is worthy of patience and respect. With hope (and your monster) in hand, the forever journey looks less like a burden and more like a life. A life that owns its past, tells the truth, protects its heart, and still makes room for joy. If the road continues until the very end, then the work is to keep going, with company, with purpose, and with a kindness that you would offer a friend. The monster will walk, you will walk, and the day will open again.
~ Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.
ScamsNOW!
The SCARS Institute Magazine about Scam Victims-Survivors, Scams, Fraud & Cybercrime
Recovery: The Journey of a Scam Victim/Survivor
A Poem & Essay
Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Philosophy
Authors:
• Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth – Anthropologist, Scientist, Polymath, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
Author Biographies Below
“La Recuperación no es un Destino, es un Camino.”
“Recovery is not a Destination; it is a Navigation”
By Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.
You stand, and the map stays unfinished.
You call this place morning, not arrival,
because there is no gate that swings wide and says,
“You made it.”
A storm once crossed your life and named itself home.
It left a monster in your chest, hungry and loud.
Some days it growls. Some days it sleeps.
On most days, you carry it with steady hands,
not to hide it, not to feed it,
to learn its language, and let it learn yours.
You set a small course by what you can see.
A breath, then another, then a step that feels true.
You listen for the quiet facts:
the body can calm, the mind can soften,
the heart can hold grief and hope in the same room.
No finish line is needed for that to be real.
You try simple tools that fit the day.
A call to someone kind. A walk around the block.
A notebook that holds one brave sentence.
A cup of water, a window cracked open,
a song that does not lie about pain.
Each choice is a lighthouse you build as you go.
You talk with the monster when night gets long.
It may answer with heat, with old stories, with smoke.
You may answer with patience.
You may teach it to sit by the fire,
to share the blanket, to watch the sky change.
Two lives in one body, learning a better peace.
The journey bends and lifts, then bends again.
There are days that feel like losing ground.
There are days that feel like grace.
Both count. Both belong.
The compass is not a promise of ease,
only a promise that direction still matters.
So you keep to small stars:
truth when fear wants silence,
care when shame wants distance,
boundaries when old scripts return.
You do not chase a there that does not exist.
You travel by presence, by practice, by kindness.
In time, the road knows your name.
In time, the monster knows your hands.
The past remains, and you remain larger.
A steady sailor on changing seas,
carrying light that was earned, not found,
moving forward because forward may be enough.
Recovery Has No Destination, Only A Navigation – A Journey Through Life
NOTE: The following is NOT really for new scam victims. It is for those who have already traveled the Yellow Brick Road for a year or more, who have come to realize the truth of trauma.
In the first weeks, the heart often searches for a final fix, a day circled on the calendar when pain will fade and normal life will snap back into place. That wish is natural. The sense of loss is large, and the urge to erase it is strong. With time, a different picture appears. Progress shows in small ways, not in a single dramatic turn. A full night of sleep arrives. A simple meal tastes good again. A conversation with someone safe feels clear and calm. These moments do not erase what happened. They show that life can hold both memory and forward motion.
Hope plays an important role here. Hope may be a feeling, yet it also works as a practice. Each time a small routine begins, hope moves from idea to action. A short walk, a slow breath, a brief entry in a journal, and a friendly check-in can sound ordinary, and that is the point. Ordinary acts rebuild a sense of safety. They tell the nervous system that life still holds rhythm. They give structure to days that feel scattered. Across months, that structure becomes a dock where you can rest, even while the tide of emotion continues to rise and fall.
Language helps shape this dock. Calling the trauma a small purple monster can make it less threatening. You can give it a name. The color gives it a place in the mind that is not only dark, and the size suggests it can be managed. The monster does not vanish. It settles. It may grow loud on hard days, and it may grow quiet on steady ones. When it growls, you notice, you breathe, you choose one helpful action, and the volume lowers. When it sleeps, you do not poke it to test your strength. You let the quiet be quiet. In this way, the monster becomes a companion, not a ruler.
Acceptance does not mean surrender. Acceptance means telling the truth about what remains and what can change. The past event remains and will never change. The current day can change. Accepting this balance frees energy that would otherwise go into fighting the fact that the past exists. That energy can move into care, learning, and connection. Care may look like a regular bedtime. Learning may look like a short script that helps with tough questions. Connection may look like a support group, a therapist, or a trusted friend who understands that disclosure takes courage. None of this erases the monster. All of it teaches the monster to live in a smaller space.
Grief walks close to acceptance. Grief will visit in waves. A song, a date, a place on a map can bring tears without warning. When grief speaks, it often says that something mattered. Allowing those words gives the heart a way to honor what felt real, even if the person behind the messages was a criminal. Grief can hold a memory without agreeing to remain a victim. Grief can respect the version of you that did not yet know, while caring for the version of you that knows now. This kind of grief supports growth. It makes room for wisdom and softness to rise together.
Shame often tries to crowd grief out of the room. Shame repeats lines that sound like, I should have known, or, I must be weak. Those words are stories the monster wants you to keep telling yourself. They are not facts. The fact is that scammers use professional scripts, stolen photos, and pressure designed to shut down judgment. The fact is that smart, caring, careful people are targeted and manipulated every day. When the monster shows up, a different practice helps. State one true sentence out loud, such as, A criminal deceived me, and I am taking care of myself now. Truth does not need to shout. Truth needs to be heard. Tell the monster to sit down and be quiet!
Trust takes time to rebuild, and that is normal. Trust in self may come back first. Trust in others may follow with careful steps. Trust in digital spaces may take longer, and that is understandable. No single choice flips trust from off to on. Small choices add up. Asking for time before making a decision helps. Checking details with a second person helps. Using language that sets limits helps, such as, I am not ready to discuss that today. Each limit is a plank in the walkway you build toward safer ground.
Meaning grows in the spaces that limits protect. Meaning can be a fresh routine that brings calm, a purpose that points you toward service, or a habit of telling your story in a way that helps others without harming you. Some people choose to share a short version of what happened with a community group or send it to us here at the SCARS Institute. Some choose to speak with one person in private. Some write a page in a diary each week to track their steadiness and to highlight small gains. Meaning does not ask for a stage. Meaning asks for honesty, attention, and care.
Hope and acceptance can live together. Hope says that tomorrow can hold more ease and less pain than today. Acceptance says that the monster will still walk beside you but will learn to behave. When held together, these truths make room for a life that feels whole. They allow joy without the pressure to forget, and they allow caution without the loss of warmth. They keep you in the present, where choices live, where friends can help, and where time can do its slow work.
Relationships matter in this landscape. Friends and relatives may not know what to say. Some will rush. Some will offer advice that misses the point. A simple request can steer conversations toward what helps, such as, Please listen first and ask what I need, before you suggest steps. Most people want to help by fixing you and simply need guidance. When help arrives in the right shape, the monster relaxes. The body relaxes. The mind regains balance. The day feels manageable again.
Recovery as a forever journey; this may sound heavy at first. With practice, the idea becomes lighter. A forever journey does not need to be fast. A forever journey needs to be consistent, honest, and kind. The ship sails in all kinds of weather. Some days invite a longer stretch of water. Some days ask for a short harbor. Both days count. The point is not arrival. The point is presence. The point is a life that carries memory with grace and leaves space for new good things to grow. The point is a monster that becomes your pet, not your master.
On this journey, progress likes evidence. Noticing small signs helps the heart believe what the mind wants. A calmer morning counts. A polite no counts. A laugh that rises without guilt counts. Writing these moments in a notebook or a journal creates a record that you may forget to see. On harder days, those pages remind you that forward motion is real and that effort is paying off in ways that numbers cannot measure.
The monster metaphor helps with decisions as well. A companion who walks beside you needs clear rules. Rules can sound like, When fear gets loud, I pause and take three breaths before I speak, or, When doubt feels heavy, I ask one trusted person to sit with me while I decide. These rules do not scold. They guide. They reduce the space where panic likes to operate. Over time, the monster learns that your rules keep both of you safer. The pressure lowers. The path opens again.
At the end of a hard day, kindness remains the best policy. Kindness to self, kindness to the version of you that did not yet know, and kindness to the body that carried so much. A warm shower, a familiar comforting meal, a few minutes with a favorite book, and a steady bedtime all add up. Healing prefers steady work over grand gestures. Healing likes rooms that feel safe, words that feel honest, and plans that fit real life without unrealistic goals.
There is an ultimate destination for all of us. Life ends for everyone, and that truth gives shape to the road. Between now and then, a full story can unfold. The monster will still be present, smaller and better trained, like an odd friend who keeps you honest about what matters. Alongside that companion, the good things that still exist may become brighter. A morning sun, a shared meal, a clean room, a laugh with someone who understands, and a quiet night can feel more like gifts. That is not defeat. That is wisdom earned at a cost, carried with care.
Hope remains the constant that keeps this wisdom in motion. Hope says that the next step may bring steadiness. Hope says that strength can be gentle. Hope says that the person you are becoming is worthy of patience and respect. With hope (and your monster) in hand, the forever journey looks less like a burden and more like a life. A life that owns its past, tells the truth, protects its heart, and still makes room for joy. If the road continues until the very end, then the work is to keep going, with company, with purpose, and with a kindness that you would offer a friend. The monster will walk, you will walk, and the day will open again.
~ Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.
Author Biographies
About Prof. Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth
Dr. Tim McGuinness is a co-founder, Managing Director, and Board Member of the SCARS Institute (Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.), where he serves as an unsalaried volunteer officer dedicated to supporting scam victims and survivors around the world. With over 34 years of experience in scam education and awareness, he is perhaps the longest-serving advocate in the field.
Dr. McGuinness has an extensive background as a business pioneer, having co-founded several technology-driven enterprises, including the former e-commerce giant TigerDirect.com. Beyond his corporate achievements, he is actively engaged with multiple global think tanks where he helps develop forward-looking policy strategies that address the intersection of technology, ethics, and societal well-being. He is also a computer industry pioneer (he was an Assistant Director of Corporate Research Engineering at Atari Inc. in the early 1980s) and invented core technologies still in use today.
His professional identity spans a wide range of disciplines. He is a scientist, strategic analyst, solution architect, advisor, public speaker, published author, roboticist, Navy veteran, and recognized polymath. He holds numerous certifications, including those in cybersecurity from the United States Department of Defense under DITSCAP & DIACAP, continuous process improvement and engineering and quality assurance, trauma-informed care, grief counseling, crisis intervention, and related disciplines that support his work with crime victims.
Dr. McGuinness was instrumental in developing U.S. regulatory standards for medical data privacy called HIPAA and financial industry cybersecurity called GLBA. His professional contributions include authoring more than 1,000 papers and publications in fields ranging from scam victim psychology and neuroscience to cybercrime prevention and behavioral science.
“I have dedicated my career to advancing and communicating the impact of emerging technologies, with a strong focus on both their transformative potential and the risks they create for individuals, businesses, and society. My background combines global experience in business process innovation, strategic technology development, and operational efficiency across diverse industries.”
“Throughout my work, I have engaged with enterprise leaders, governments, and think tanks to address the intersection of technology, business, and global risk. I have served as an advisor and board member for numerous organizations shaping strategy in digital transformation and responsible innovation at scale.”
“In addition to my corporate and advisory roles, I remain deeply committed to addressing the rising human cost of cybercrime. As a global advocate for victim support and scam awareness, I have helped educate millions of individuals, protect vulnerable populations, and guide international collaborations aimed at reducing online fraud and digital exploitation.”
“With a unique combination of technical insight, business acumen, and humanitarian drive, I continue to focus on solutions that not only fuel innovation but also safeguard the people and communities impacted by today’s evolving digital landscape.”
Dr. McGuinness brings a rare depth of knowledge, compassion, and leadership to scam victim advocacy. His ongoing mission is to help victims not only survive their experiences but transform through recovery, education, and empowerment.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
“Recovery is not a Destination; it is a Navigation”
Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc. [SCARS]
CATEGORIES
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Important Information for New Scam Victims
Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
SCARS Institute now offers a free recovery program at www.SCARSeducation.org
Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery
If you are looking for local trauma counselors, please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and not to blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and help victims avoid scams in the future. At times, this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims; we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens, and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
SCARS INSTITUTE RESOURCES:
If You Have Been Victimized By A Scam Or Cybercrime
♦ If you are a victim of scams, go to www.ScamVictimsSupport.org for real knowledge and help
♦ Enroll in SCARS Scam Survivor’s School now at www.SCARSeducation.org
♦ To report criminals, visit https://reporting.AgainstScams.org – we will NEVER give your data to money recovery companies like some do!
♦ Follow us and find our podcasts, webinars, and helpful videos on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@RomancescamsNowcom
♦ Learn about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
♦ Dig deeper into the reality of scams, fraud, and cybercrime at www.ScamsNOW.com and www.RomanceScamsNOW.com
♦ Scam Survivor’s Stories: www.ScamSurvivorStories.org
♦ For Scam Victim Advocates visit www.ScamVictimsAdvocates.org
♦ See more scammer photos on www.ScammerPhotos.com
You can also find the SCARS Institute on Facebook, Instagram, X, LinkedIn, and TruthSocial
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here
If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair, please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.
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Recovery: The Journey of a Scam Victim/Survivor – a Poem & Essay – 2025
Tōrō Nagashi (灯籠流し) – A Monthly Lantern Ritual For Scam Victims – 2025
Ship of Theseus – A Reflection on Change – 2025
Reticence and Losing Your Voice After a Relationship Scam – 2025
Distress Tolerance – How to Develop It – 2025
Releasing Your Demons – Compartmentalized Traumatic Memories Will Haunt You – 2025
Framing and Reframing – Your Mental House Building – 2025
When Children Become Victims of Scams Too – A Guide for Parents – 2025
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish. Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors’ experience. You can do Google searches, but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
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