The Tethers in Our Life – What We Cling To Can Also Hold Us Back

The Tethers That Hold You Steady and Hold You Back

A Brief Essay by Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth – Anthropologist, Scientist, Polymath, Managing Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

When a Connection Disappears

Today, I lost my internet connection for about 4 hours, and it made me realize something …

An internet connection disappears, and an ordinary day suddenly changes. Messages stop arriving, familiar pages refuse to open, and the small routines that organize your attention come to a halt. You reach for something that usually works and discover how much of your day rests on its availability. The interruption reveals a connection you rarely notice until it breaks.

Your life contains many such connections. Some are practical, like your phone, transportation, income, and access to information. Others are emotional: a familiar voice, a relationship, a routine, or the reassurance that someone will answer when you reach out. These are the tethers that connect you to people, places, and patterns that help you function. Some hold you steady through difficulty, while others keep you attached to something you need to leave behind.

You Need Connections

You do not build a healthy life by removing every tether. You need relationships, dependable resources, meaningful responsibilities, and places where you belong. A connection to someone who listens respectfully helps you speak honestly, while a regular routine gives your day shape when motivation feels distant. These supports deserve recognition because they make difficult work more manageable.

After a scam, dependable connections become especially important. Your sense of stability has been shaken, and familiar activities sometimes feel different or difficult. A community meeting, a lesson, a walk, or an honest conversation gives you a point of contact with life beyond the crime. You do not need to criticize yourself for relying on support. The question is whether that support helps you develop the strength and judgment to move forward.

When Support Becomes a Restriction

A tether changes its meaning when you feel unable to function without it. You begin organizing your decisions around keeping the connection intact, even when doing so requires you to ignore your needs. You remain silent to preserve a relationship, repeatedly check your phone to settle uncertainty, or postpone an activity until someone reassures you that everything will be alright.

At first, these actions offer relief. Receiving the reply, hearing the familiar voice, or returning to the usual routine settles the immediate discomfort. Over time, however, you give the connection more responsibility for your stability. Your choices narrow because you feel compelled to remain close to whatever provides that relief. Something that once supported your life begins determining how much of it you feel free to live.

The Tethers Left by the Scam

During the scam, the criminals worked to make themselves central to your daily experience. Their messages became something you anticipated, their attention became something you valued, and their approval influenced your decisions. What appeared to be a loving connection gradually demanded more time, secrecy, money, and emotional investment. You were reaching toward companionship while they were using that connection to control you.

Ending contact breaks an important tether, but the habits surrounding it take further work to change. You still reach for the phone at a familiar hour or miss the conversation that once filled an empty evening. A song, photograph, or imagined future pulls your attention backward. Those experiences deserve understanding, but they also require a response that protects you. Missing what you believed you had does not make renewed contact safe.

Other tethers remain in the explanations you repeat about yourself. “I always make terrible decisions” holds you to a judgment that leaves little room for learning. “Nobody will ever love me” ties your future to the pain of the present. Even “I am recovering” becomes restrictive when it reassures you so completely that you stop asking what you are actually changing. Examine the beliefs you rely on as carefully as the relationships you maintain.

Learn From the Interruption

Losing your internet connection provides a small opportunity to observe this process. You notice the urge to check again, the frustration of being unable to reach someone, and the uncertainty about what to do next. The connection matters, and its loss disrupts your plans. Yet the interruption also reveals activities and abilities that remain available while you wait.

You still have your surroundings, your body, your attention, and whatever resources are within reach. You are able to prepare a meal, read, write, complete a household task, or step outside. The disruption asks you to shift from your expected routine to another choice. Each time you make that shift, you gain experience functioning through an uncomfortable gap rather than treating the gap as the end of your day.

Examine What You Hold

Consider the tethers you grasp most tightly. Ask what each one provides and what keeping it costs you. A supportive relationship leaves room for honesty, boundaries, and independent decisions. A harmful attachment requires you to sacrifice those things to keep receiving attention or avoid disapproval. Your feelings about the connection matter, but its effect on your life deserves equal attention.

You do not need to make sudden decisions about every relationship or routine. Begin with one manageable change: complete a task before seeking reassurance, spend an evening without checking an old profile, or return to a lesson after a difficult conversation. Observe what you learn about your ability to tolerate uncertainty and act with purpose. Small changes give you practical evidence that your life has more room than your fears suggest.

Hold Support Without Surrendering Yourself

Your recovery community provides a valuable connection, and participating gives you opportunities to learn, reflect, and practice. Bring those lessons into the hours when the community is not immediately available. Use what you have learned to make a decision, interrupt an unhelpful habit, or respond differently to a difficult feeling. Support becomes more meaningful when its influence strengthens your everyday life.

You deserve connections that help you remain steady while allowing you to grow. Keep the relationships and routines that encourage honesty, responsibility, and participation, and examine those that require you to remain frightened or diminished. Recovery includes learning what to hold, what to loosen, and what to release. With each thoughtful choice, you make more space to live beyond the places where the crime left you.

Dr. Tim
October 2026