Understanding Boundaries & Accountability to Improve Scam Victims’ Recovery When They Communicate
Communication is the Core of Recovery, but Communication Can Be Challenging for Scam Victims – This will Help Explain
Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology
Author:
• Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
About This Article
Triggers are especially challenging for scam victims because they often evoke intense emotional responses tied to their trauma. These triggers can be anything—words, situations, or even gestures—that remind victims of the scam or the betrayal they experienced. The brain’s trauma response system, particularly the amygdala, becomes activated when these triggers are encountered, which can overwhelm logical thinking and send victims into a state of emotional distress. This reaction happens because trauma alters how the brain processes stimuli, making victims hyper-sensitive to anything that resembles their painful experience. As a result, even benign situations can provoke fear, anxiety, or defensiveness, making it difficult for victims to engage in productive conversations or seek help effectively. Recognizing and learning to manage these triggers is essential for their emotional recovery and ability to move forward.
Scam victims often struggle with communication challenges, which can significantly hinder their recovery. After being deceived, they may find it difficult to communicate effectively, interpreting neutral conversations as confrontational or seeing support as criticism. These reactions are often tied to deep emotional wounds, as victims feel vulnerable, defensive, and mistrustful of others. People who struggle with accountability may perceive feedback or advice as personal attacks, making them resistant to constructive conversations that could help their healing.
Moreover, those who find communication difficult may also lack the emotional tools to express themselves clearly, often escalating even simple discussions into arguments. This can push away family, friends, and professionals who are trying to offer help. Victims might feel threatened by the very discussions meant to support them, as their trauma heightens sensitivity to any perceived criticism. Addressing these communication barriers—by setting healthy boundaries, practicing emotional awareness, and reframing how feedback is received—can help victims rebuild trust and improve their ability to receive the support they need.
Helping Scam Victims to Better Communicate Can Be Very Challenging, Yet Every Scam Victim Needs to Understand This!
Warning, there is much in this that may be triggering, but try to read through it to understand our intent
Introduction
This guide is designed to help scam victims better receive support from family, friends, and professionals by addressing the common challenges they face when they communicate.
It is normal for scam victims to feel defensive or see discussions as arguments, particularly after the betrayal trauma they’ve experienced. However, learning to overcome this communication barrier is an essential step in their recovery. While this process may be triggering and emotionally difficult, it is crucial for victims to recognize when their emotional reactions are preventing them from accepting the support they need. By developing emotional awareness, setting boundaries, and reframing feedback, scam victims can create healthier conversations and make the most of the help offered to them. This approach fosters growth and healing, even when the initial steps feel uncomfortable or overwhelming.
Acknowledging Your Triggers
Triggers are particularly challenging for scam victims because they can evoke intense emotional responses tied to their trauma, often without warning. A trigger is typically a sensory or emotional cue—such as a phrase, situation, a word or conversation, or even a facial expression—that reminds the victim of the scam or the betrayal they experienced. These cues bring back feelings of shame, guilt, anger, or fear, and can overwhelm their ability to think rationally in the moment. This is due to the brain’s trauma response, which activates the amygdala (the part of the brain associated with emotional reactions) while bypassing the logical reasoning centers like the prefrontal cortex. As a result, victims often react defensively, as if they are reliving the trauma, even if the present situation poses no real threat.
Furthermore, triggers often disrupt a victim’s ability to engage in productive conversations or accept help. Scam victims can feel as though any criticism or suggestion is an attack, which makes it harder for them to seek or receive support from friends, family, or professionals. This emotional dysregulation complicates recovery, as victims must confront the deeply painful emotions that resurface with these triggers. Over time, understanding and managing these triggers is a critical part of healing from trauma, allowing victims to regain control over their emotions and better travel their path to recovery.
Overcoming the impact of triggers often involves trauma-informed care, mindfulness, and the gradual process of rebuilding emotional resilience.
Remember
- It was not your fault
- You are not alone
- You are a survivor
- Axios – you are worthy
- Vero – truth is everything
The Struggle to Communicate
How People Who Struggle with Communication Perceive Every Discussion as an Argument
Communication is the cornerstone of human interaction. However, for people who struggle to effectively communicate, every conversation can feel like a confrontation or argument. This is particularly true for scam victims, who often experience heightened sensitivity, mistrust, and emotional wounds after their traumatic experiences. For those who lack accountability or are unwilling to face their own limitations, discussions can quickly feel like personal attacks, leading to defensive behaviors and breakdowns in communication. This paragraph may feel like a personal attack, but our intent is to help scam survivors understand these issues so they can better recover from their experience.
Talking About Difficult Subjects
For scam victims, it is absolutely necessary to talk about hard subjects with truth and honesty. The trauma of being deceived often leaves victims feeling ashamed, isolated, or embarrassed, making it tempting to avoid difficult conversations about what happened. However, acknowledging the truth is a necessary step in the recovery process. By confronting the reality of the scam and the emotions tied to it—whether with family, friends, or professionals—victims can begin to dismantle the fear and self-blame that often accompany these experiences. Honest conversations help build a support system that validates the victim’s feelings and reinforces their journey toward healing.
Additionally, truth and honesty allow for a more effective recovery by shining a light on areas that require attention, whether it’s emotional pain, financial instability, trust issues, difficulty accepting and moving forward and recovering. Openly discussing these challenges enables victims to seek the appropriate help, understand their vulnerabilities and triggers, and begin rebuilding their lives. This level of transparency also builds deeper connections with those offering support, as it promotes understanding and compassion rather than hiding behind shame or avoidance. While these conversations can be painful, they are an essential part of reclaiming control and moving forward.
Why Some People See Discussions as Arguments
People who have difficulty communicating may interpret even neutral or constructive conversations as conflicts. This reaction often stems from deep-seated emotional triggers such as insecurity, fear of being wrong, or unresolved trauma. Scam victims, in particular, may feel vulnerable and defensive after being deceived. As a result, they may interpret any attempt to discuss their experience or offer help as an accusation or criticism.
A lack of self-awareness or emotional regulation exacerbates this issue. Those who have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions often view feedback or criticism as an attack on their character, rather than an opportunity for growth. This defensiveness leads to a cycle where every discussion feels combative, even when the intent is supportive.
The Role of Accountability in Communication
People who struggle with accountability tend to externalize blame and see themselves as victims in most situations. Scam victims may experience this particularly acutely, as the sense of betrayal and shame can create a mental block against accepting their role in the situation. Even though they were manipulated, the inability to acknowledge their vulnerability or mistakes often results in anger or defensiveness.
This lack of accountability makes it difficult to have open, constructive discussions, especially when it comes to confronting the emotional or practical steps needed for recovery. Instead of viewing conversations as opportunities for growth, they see them as personal attacks. This mindset prevents productive communication and makes it harder for scam victims to move forward from their experience.
The Importance of Boundaries
Setting and respecting boundaries is a critical component of healthy communication, especially for people dealing with trauma, like scam victims. Boundaries help individuals manage emotional triggers, protect their mental health, and face their limitations in a safe and controlled way. When individuals set clear boundaries, they are more likely to engage in discussions without feeling threatened.
For scam victims, establishing boundaries with others (and themselves) is vital to avoid becoming overwhelmed by emotional conversations. It helps them take a step back and assess the situation without immediately becoming defensive or feeling under attack. In doing so, they can gradually build healthier ways of communicating and responding to feedback, without falling into the trap of seeing every conversation as an argument.
Tips to Overcome Communication Challenges
Develop Emotional Awareness: People who often perceive discussions as arguments can benefit from practicing emotional awareness. By recognizing their emotional triggers, they can learn to separate feelings of vulnerability from constructive criticism.
Practice Active Listening: Scam victims or those who struggle with accountability need to engage in active listening. This means fully focusing on the speaker’s message without preparing a defensive response.
Seek Accountability: Rather than avoiding responsibility, it’s important to confront mistakes and take ownership. Accepting responsibility does not mean admitting fault for the scam, but acknowledging the steps needed to heal and move forward.
Set Clear Boundaries: Boundaries ensure that discussions stay productive and prevent conversations from devolving into arguments. Setting boundaries with others can protect mental well-being, allowing for calmer and more open communication.
Reframe Feedback: Rather than interpreting feedback as a personal attack, individuals should view it as a tool for self-improvement. This mindset shift can make discussions less combative and more collaborative.
Review
For those who struggle with communication, especially scam victims, every discussion can feel like an argument due to emotional defensiveness and a lack of accountability. Boundaries, emotional awareness, and reframing feedback are essential steps toward breaking the cycle of combative communication. By recognizing these patterns and learning to face limitations, scam victims and others can develop healthier ways to engage in conversations, ultimately leading to better recovery and personal growth.
The Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries play a crucial role in scam victim recovery by providing structure, safety, and emotional clarity. After the betrayal of a scam, victims often struggle with trust, vulnerability, and self-blame, making it difficult for them to engage in healthy relationships or accept help. Establishing boundaries helps victims protect their emotional space, manage triggers, and regain control over their lives. It can prevent them from feeling overwhelmed by external influences while allowing them to engage with family, friends, and professionals on their terms.
How Boundaries Improve Recovery
Emotional Protection: Boundaries allow scam victims to protect themselves from further emotional harm. Setting limits on how much they share, when they engage in conversations, and who they interact with can help prevent feelings of being overwhelmed or retraumatized.
Restoring Control: Many scam victims feel a loss of control after being deceived. Setting boundaries helps reestablish a sense of agency, empowering them to make choices about their emotional and mental health.
Reducing Triggers: Boundaries help victims avoid situations, people, or topics that might trigger traumatic memories of the scam. This gives them the space to heal without constantly reliving their experience.
Encouraging Healthy Interactions: Boundaries help victims engage in balanced relationships where they can communicate their needs clearly and expect the same in return, fostering more supportive interactions.
How to Establish Boundaries
Identify Personal Limits: Victims need to assess what triggers or behaviors make them feel unsafe, anxious, or overwhelmed. Understanding these limits helps identify where boundaries are needed.
Communicate Clearly: Once limits are identified, communicating them effectively to others is essential. For example, if certain questions or topics trigger emotional distress, victims should let others know that these subjects are off-limits.
Be Consistent: Setting boundaries is only effective if victims are consistent in enforcing them. If someone oversteps, the victim should gently but firmly restate their boundary.
Be Prepared for Resistance: Some people may not understand or respect these new boundaries. Victims should be ready to stand firm, even if it creates discomfort in the short term.
Remember: Part of a professional’s role is to trigger scam victims to help them better identify their triggers and help them better tolerate and adapt to them through exposure.
Reasonable Boundaries for Scam Victims
Limiting Conversations About the Scam: Victims might set a boundary that restricts how often or when they talk about their scam experience with non-professionals. For example, they may choose not to discuss it in social settings or only with trusted individuals.
Controlling Emotional Exposure: Victims can choose when and how they interact with family or friends, especially when feeling vulnerable. They may decide to avoid certain people who make them feel unsafe or pressured.
Time Management: Recovery is emotionally draining, so scam victims may limit the time they spend discussing their trauma or engaging in potentially triggering environments. But gradually increasing this is important to their longer-term recovery
Avoiding Financial Discussions: Scam victims may need to create boundaries around discussions involving money, investments, or financial advice, particularly with individuals who may not fully understand their emotional state.
Self-Care Priority: Boundaries might include setting aside personal time for self-care, and ensuring that victims don’t overcommit or exhaust themselves during the recovery process.
Review
Establishing boundaries helps scam victims create a safe environment for healing, regain control of their lives, and gradually rebuild trust. Through careful, consistent boundary-setting, victims can protect their mental health and open the door to meaningful, supportive relationships while maintaining their emotional well-being.
Overcoming Defensiveness
Scam victims often experience defensiveness, particularly when faced with open discussions about their experience or recovery. This defensiveness is a natural valid emotional response, rooted in feelings of shame, guilt, or betrayal. However, managing this defensiveness is critical for healing and for building better communication with others offering support.
Here are some ways victims can handle defensiveness:
Recognize Defensive Reactions: The first step in overcoming defensiveness is self-awareness. Scam victims should try to recognize when they are reacting defensively—whether through denial, anger, or withdrawal—and reflect on why this reaction occurs. This acknowledgment allows them to pause and reflect before escalating the situation.
Separate Emotions from Conversations: Victims can benefit from separating their emotional responses from the content of the conversation. By focusing on the intent behind someone’s words, rather than perceiving them as personal attacks, they can better engage in productive dialogue.
Practice Active Listening: Active listening can help victims understand the perspective of those offering support. Instead of preparing a defensive response while the other person is speaking, scam victims can focus on truly hearing what’s being said, asking questions for clarity rather than reacting emotionally.
Take Breaks if Necessary: If a conversation is overwhelming or triggering defensiveness, it’s okay to step back. Taking a short break from the conversation can help the victim regain composure and return to the discussion with a clearer mindset.
Reframe Feedback: Victims should learn to see feedback as a tool for growth, rather than criticism. By reframing comments as opportunities to improve or heal, they can engage in conversations without feeling attacked.
Set Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries can help victims manage overwhelming discussions and ensure that conversations happen at a pace they are comfortable with. This can prevent feelings of being cornered or attacked.
Through these techniques, scam victims can work on reducing their defensiveness, allowing for healthier, more open communication with those offering them support. This process takes time, but it’s essential for their emotional recovery and the rebuilding of trust with others.
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Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
A Note About Labeling!
We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!
Author’s Note
One of the great challenges in supporting scam victims, or any crime victim for that matter is the question of ethics and morality. Often we see individuals who are in such a desperate state that they feel justified in any behavior that helps them alleviate their distress. We understand this and do our best to help them, but all too often that very distress creates a wall we cannot break through. In these cases, we have to step back and refer them to professional psychological intervention.
As an organization, we are the first to admit that we cannot save anyone, only scam victims can save themselves. We provide tools, knowledge, and the path to recovery, but each person has to travel that ‘Yellow Brick Road’ themself. Sometimes they feel like they are doing it all on their own, but we are here to listen and help guide them when they let us. Being willing to listen is a big part of the educational journey each scam survivor must take to be successful.
However, we also have an obligation under our mission to fully understand the scam victim experience, to share the discoveries we make in the process of our work and research. Some of those topics are very difficult to hear or read because they deal with core beliefs about who we are and what we believe to be ethical and moral. This article is such an example of that. We hope that the reader can see the philosophical challenges in this topic and understand that the only way to overcome challenges is by exposing them to review and discussion.
Tim McGuinness, Ph.D.
SCARS Resources:
- Getting Started: ScamVictimsSupport.org
- FREE enrollment in the SCARS Institute training programs for scam victims SCARSeducation.org
- For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
- Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
- Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
- Find competent trauma counselors or therapists, visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
- Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
- Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
- Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
- Learn more about the Psychology of Scams and Scam Victims: ScamPsychology.org
- Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
- Donate to SCARS and help us help others at donate.AgainstScams.org
- Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
- Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.
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