Dealing With Grief & Recovery During The Holidays

Coping Skills And Your Recovery

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Authors:
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth – Anthropologist, Scientist, Polymath, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Janina Morcinek – Certified and Licensed Educator, European Regional Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Portions courtesy of NOVA – National Organization for Victims’ Assistance

Author Biographies Below

About This Article

Holiday seasons can reopen grief after a breakup, bereavement, or the sudden collapse of a relationship through a scam, bringing sleep problems, anxiety, physical pain, and intrusive memories. Helpful responses include adjusting traditions, planning supportive settings, and balancing quiet rest with time among trusted people. Personal rituals, honest conversation that breaks the silence, and attention to small moments of comfort can soften distress. Creative outlets, consistent nutrition, limited alcohol, hydration, movement, and adequate sleep protect health. Faith practices, peer groups, and professional help offer steadiness and practical tools. Travel works best when it increases safety and care, not avoidance. Naming feelings, scheduling private time to release them, and setting clear boundaries make public moments easier. Grief changes over time; deliberate choices in the present can protect your wellbeing and build a future grounded in connection, routine, and self-respect.

Note: This article is intended for informational purposes and does not replace professional medical advice. If you are experiencing distress, please consult a qualified mental health professional.

Coping with the Holidays and Grief After the End of a Relationship

When Grief Comes Home for the Holidays

Many among us have struggled with the cloud of sadness that hangs over the holidays after a loved one has died or a relationship has ended suddenly. Sometimes, a romance scam being discovered is like the other person died, so complete is the ending, without warning, and without any possibility of recovery.

Regardless of how the relationship ended, the onslaught of holiday cheer may seem too much to bear. Holidays can give rise to new or returning bouts of depression, panic attacks, and other forms of anxiety for those whose lives have been affected.

Many of us often re-experience life-changing trauma through flashbacks, nightmares, and overwhelming sadness. Some have trouble sleeping, while others don’t want to get out of bed. Tears come easily, often when least expected. Old ailments, including headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and aches and pain, may return.

Those who have made this difficult journey offer the following suggestions to help those who may be just starting down this path. Many were surprised to discover that the anticipation of a holiday without that relationship can be harder than the actual holiday itself. Holidays can be manageable if you take charge of the season, rather than letting it take charge of you

Things You Can Do

Change Traditions

Trying to make this holiday seem like holidays of the past, especially during the scam, will only intensify the difference. You can decide which traditions you want to keep and which ones you want to let go. If there was something special that you did during a holiday during the fake relationship, you can wilfully abandon it now.

Change holiday plans to accommodate the needs and wishes of those who are hurting the most.

Create a Special Tribute To Your Recovery

You do not need to explain it to anyone, but you can light a special candle and place it on a holiday table to honor your struggle and recovery.

Some write a remembrance at the end of the year to both remember the wrong done and to bury the past. You can then burn the remembrance in the fireplace or by hand and place it in a bowl to watch it until it is reduced to ashes. Or you can create a more elaborate “Viking Funeral” to make the end of it in your own mind.

Plan Where to Spend the Holidays

Many people think going away will make the holidays easier following a relationship or a romance scam. This may be helpful if you are traveling to a
place where you will feel loved and nurtured. However, if travel is arranged as a means of trying to avoid the holiday atmosphere, remember that holidays are celebrated throughout the world. It is impossible to escape holiday reminders entirely.

There are two schools of thought on going somewhere to help you recover. One is to go to where you feel safe, such as visiting parents or family. The other is to create new memories by going someplace completely new, but be careful of this, being alone is not always advisable.

Balance Solitude with Sociability

Rest and solitude can help renew strength. Friends and family, however, can be a wonderful source of support, especially if they accept you as you are and do not tell you how they think you should feel, or that they “understand” how you feel. If you are invited to holiday outings, try to go. Attend musical or other cultural events that lift your spirits. You may surprise yourself by enjoying special outings, even if you feel like crying later.

Relive Fond Memories

It is a heavy and unrealistic burden to go through the holidays pretending that nothing has happened.

Think about holiday seasons you have enjoyed in the past and identify memories you want to hold in your heart forever. No one can take those away from you. Celebrate them and be grateful. If feelings of sadness pop up at inappropriate times, such as at work or in a public gathering, try thinking about what you have rather than what you no longer have. Focus on the blessing of the memories in your heart.

Set Aside Some “Letting Go” Time

Schedule time to be alone and release sad and lonely pent-up feelings. You may want to cry or write about your thoughts and feelings. You may choose to write a letter to your scammer to say “goodbye,” “I forgive you,” or “I’m sorry.” Allow your emotions to flow through your pen. You may be surprised at what you write. By setting aside special times to allow painful feelings to surface, it becomes easier to postpone expressing them in public.

Counter the Conspiracy of Silence

Family members may consciously or unconsciously conspire to avoid mentioning the scam. This is usually a well-intentioned but misguided attempt to protect your feelings. If this seems to be happening, take the initiative and talk to your family about the importance of talking openly about what has happened. Tell them that it is ook to ask how you are and how your recovery is going.

Never let yourself or anyone refer to them as “He/Him” or “She/Her.” It was not one scammer; always refer to them as “They/Them.”

Notice the Positive

Some people conclude that facing the holidays is simply “awful.”

By deciding prematurely that “everything about life is awful,” you are generalizing irrationally from your personal tragedy. Although you may have difficult times during the holidays, you may also experience joy. Accept the love and care of others. Reach out to someone else who is suffering or hurting. Give yourself permission to feel sad and to experience joy.

Find a Creative Outlet

If you have difficulty talking about your feelings, look for a creative way to express yourself. Write a memorial poem or story that you can share with others. Buy watercolors or oils and put your feelings on paper or canvas, even if it’s only splashes of color. Contribute to a favorite charity or organization, either financially or by volunteering to help. Buy gifts to take to less fortunate children, a hospital, or a nursing home.

Protect Your Health

Physical and emotional stress changes the chemical balance in your system and can make you ill. Eat healthy food and avoid over-indulging in sweets. Drink plenty of water, even if you don’t feel thirsty.

Try to avoid too much alcohol, which can be a depressant. Take a good multi-vitamin. Get seven to eight hours of sleep each night. Talk with your doctor about an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication if you think it will help. If you are unsure about how the medication will affect you, talk to your doctor about your
concerns.

Utilize Available Resources

People of faith are encouraged to observe services and rituals offered by their church, synagogue, or temple, mosque, or other faith community. Many “veterans of faith” can offer you serenity, a quiet presence, and healing wisdom. You may want to look for a support group of persons who have suffered similar experiences – the SCARS Institute offers support groups in English and Spanish, as well as other languages, through our partner organizations. Go to www.SCARScommunity.org to sign up.

The Mental Health Association or your local hospital in most communities has a list of local support groups that may be more easily accessed during the holidays.

The most valuable helper is usually someone who shares a common experience or understands something about what you’re going through. Spend as much time as possible with the people you love the most.

Remember

Most importantly, remember that you can’t change the past, but you can take charge of the present and shape the future. Total recovery may not be immediately possible, but what you make of your trauma can be largely up to you,

Glossary

• Acceptance planning — This means a person makes simple plans for how to handle hard moments during the holidays. It helps set realistic expectations and lowers the shock of sudden feelings. Small written steps give structure when emotions rise.
• Alcohol limits — This refers to a clear plan to reduce or avoid alcohol during grief. Lower use protects sleep, mood, and medicines. It also reduces the chance of worsening depression or impulsive choices.
• Anticipatory grief — This describes sorrow that shows up before an event, such as dreading a holiday without a former partner. The body and mind start grieving in advance. Naming it often lowers its intensity.
• Anxiety spike — This is a sudden surge of fear or unease tied to reminders of loss. It can bring tight breathing, dizziness, or a racing heart. Slow breathing and brief grounding steps often help.
• Balance of solitude and social time — This means choosing quiet time and people time in healthy amounts. Too much isolation can deepen sadness, and too much activity can exhaust. A daily plan protects energy.
• Boundary setting — This is the practice of stating what is and is not ok during gatherings. Clear limits reduce pressure and emotional overload. Simple phrases keep conversations safe.
• Candle tribute — This is a small, private ritual that honors recovery and effort. A person lights a candle at home or during a meal. The act marks progress and invites calm reflection.
• Cognitive reframing — This is the skill of gently shifting an unhelpful thought to a more balanced one. It does not deny pain. It adds a fuller view that supports coping.
• Comfort routine — This is a short set of steady actions that start or end the day. Examples include making tea, stretching, or a short walk. Routines signal safety to the nervous system.
• Conspiracy of silence — This describes families or friends avoiding the topic of the scam or breakup. It aims to protect feelings but can increase shame and isolation. Open, respectful talk usually helps more.
• Creative outlet — This is any simple way to express feelings through art, writing, music, or crafts. Creative acts release tension and organize thoughts. The result does not need to be perfect to be helpful.
• Cultural support — This refers to concerts, services, or community events that lift mood and create connection. Shared experiences reduce loneliness. Short visits are often enough.
• Decision fatigue — This is the mental tiredness that comes from too many choices. It appears around travel, schedules, and traditions. Simplifying options protects energy.
• Flashback — This is a vivid memory that feels present, not past. It may include images, sounds, or body sensations. Grounding skills and steady breathing help bring a person back to the current moment.
• Food and hydration basics — This means eating regular meals and drinking water even when appetite is low. Stable blood sugar supports mood. Gentle snacks and fluids reduce headaches and fatigue.
• Grief burst — This is a sudden wave of sadness that arrives without warning. It often passes within minutes. Accepting it as normal reduces fear.
• Holiday avoidance — This is the urge to run from all reminders of the season. Short breaks can help, but total avoidance can backfire. Planned, brief exposure builds confidence.
• Holiday plan — This is a simple written outline for where to go, what to do, and who to be with. It protects against last-minute pressure. Plans can be changed if needs shift.
• Letting-go time — This is scheduled private time to cry, write, or release tension. Setting a time makes public moments easier to manage. Many people use a journal or a letter they do not send.
• Memory anchoring — This means choosing a few good memories to hold with care. Naming them out loud or writing them down gives comfort. It does not erase pain, but it adds warmth.
• Mindful breathing — This is slow, steady breathing that calms the body. A common pattern is in for four, hold for two, out for six. Longer exhales reduce stress signals.
• New tradition testing — This is trying small, fresh activities that fit current needs. Simple changes prevent painful comparisons with the past. Keeping what helps and dropping what hurts respects healing.
• Panic attack — This is a sudden rush of fear with strong body symptoms such as chest tightness or tingling. It feels dangerous, but it is time-limited. Sitting, breathing, and naming the signs can shorten it.
• Peer support group — This is a meeting of people who have faced similar losses or scams. Shared stories reduce shame and offer practical ideas. Groups can be in person or online.
• Personal tribute — This is a private act that marks survival and growth, such as a note, a token, or a small ceremony at home. It honors effort and progress. It can be repeated each season.
• Protective travel plan — This is a trip arranged for care and support, not to escape reminders. It centers on safety, companionship, and rest. Being alone in a new place is weighed with caution.
• Remembrance letter — This is a written message that says goodbye, states feelings, or marks closure. It is not mailed. Many people keep it, burn it, or place it in a safe spot.
• Resource mapping — This is a short list of helpers such as doctors, faith leaders, hotlines, or SCARS-style peer groups. Names and numbers are kept handy. Quick access lowers distress during spikes.
• Restorative sleep — This is steady, sufficient sleep that restores mood and thinking. Fixed bed and wake times, dark rooms, and lower evening screen time support it. Short naps may help but should end early in the day.
• Seasonal trigger — This is a sound, smell, place, or date that brings back strong feelings. Triggers are predictable once identified. A plan for those cues reduces fear.
• Self-compassion — This is the practice of speaking to oneself with the same kindness offered to a friend. It reduces harsh self-talk after tears or setbacks. It supports steady recovery.
• Silent table rule — This is a family agreement not to shame or hush feelings at meals. It welcomes brief, respectful check-ins. The rule lowers pressure and keeps the connection.
• Social anchor — This is one trusted person who agrees to be near or on call during events. A simple signal or brief break can reset emotions. Planning this in advance adds confidence.
• Support network — This is the circle of people and services that offer care, information, and accountability. It may include relatives, friends, groups, and clinicians. Strong networks shorten crises and aid recovery.
• Volunteer act — This is a small service to others during the season. Helping shifts focus, builds meaning, and restores a sense of worth. It should fit the current energy.
• Warmline or hotline — This is a phone or text service that offers support during hard moments. Local or national options are available. Numbers are best saved before the holidays begin.

Author Biographies

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