Supporting Others

A SCARS Institute Insight

Why We Sometimes Ask You to Change Direction

Supporting scam survivors sometimes means asking you to change direction. We may see that the way you are engaging with your recovery is keeping you focused on the same problem, or that a different kind of support would serve you better. When you are already on high alert, a direct observation about what you are doing can be hard to hear. It can feel personal, and that can create conflict at the very moment a course correction would help.

We do our best to understand each person we support and what they are dealing with. When we offer guidance, our observations concern what is happening in your recovery and what might help you move forward. That same principle applies when we find it necessary to remove someone from a support community. The decision concerns how that person engages with the group. We continue to respect their dignity and recognize what they have been through. That may seem to be contradictory.

We tell victims they are not alone, and we provide opportunities for them to engage with others, but if they stop engaging, we recognize our support model is not suited to them. After numerous messages about this, we can be faced with only one option, and that is to remove them from our community. Silent people may not be ready to engage, and that is fine, but silent people also destroy the cohesiveness of a support community.

What Personal Attacks Cost

Too often, when a survivor takes issue with guidance, the criticism turns into a personal attack on the team member who offered it. The conversation moves from what was said and how it landed to judgments about the person’s character or motives. For someone who has spent considerable time listening, answering questions, and trying to help, that shift takes a toll. It is one reason the number of people willing to support scam victims continues to shrink. A team member may step away from one community or give up helping survivors altogether.

How to Tell Someone Their Guidance Fell Short

If the support you received fell short of your expectations, say what you needed and how the response affected you. You can be direct about the words that hurt or the advice that felt out of step with what you were facing. That gives the person something specific to hear and respond to. It also gives you a way to raise a serious concern while recognizing the effort and intention of the person who tried to help.

If you offer guidance, you know how difficult it can be to tell someone you care about that they need to change direction. If you receive that guidance, keep in mind that the person who gave it was trying to help you recover, even if their words landed badly. How you express your criticism matters to the person hearing it, and it can influence whether they feel able to keep doing this work for the next survivor who asks for help.

Remember that if you caused someone to quit, you may feel satisfaction, but you have denied the next victim the support they needed.

Excellentia Per Scientia.™

SCARS Institute ™
Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
Scientific Center for the Analysis and Research into Scams™
November 2026