The Performative Apology
Empty Apologies and Hidden Blame: What Scam Victims Should Know About Social Sympathy
Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology
Intended Audience: Scam Victims-Survivors / Family & Friends
Authors:
• Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
• Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
About This Article
Scam victims face not only the trauma of betrayal but also the painful aftermath of navigating shallow, performative apologies from friends and family. These apologies—quick, polite phrases like “I’m so sorry that happened”—often mask discomfort, hidden judgment, or avoidance. They may sound supportive on the surface but leave you feeling misunderstood and alone, especially when paired with questions that imply blame or disbelief. This helps you break down how to spot these hollow responses, understand why they happen, and set boundaries that protect your emotional space. We guide you in identifying real support, distinguishing genuine care from social maintenance, and finding allies who validate your experience without judgment.
At its heart, this is a call to prioritize your healing by surrounding yourself with people who listen without blame, stay present through discomfort, and help you rebuild trust after deception. Recovery starts with truth—and that includes knowing who’s truly in your corner. You’re allowed to expect more than politeness. You deserve real empathy, meaningful connection, and space to heal without performance or pressure.
The Performative Apology: Navigating Empty Social Sympathy as a Scam Victim
You’ve been through the wringer—scammed, shaken, and maybe even blaming yourself. You open up to friends or family, hoping for a lifeline, only to hear a quick “I’m so sorry that happened” that feels more like a reflex than real support. Worse, you sense they’re judging you behind the words, thinking “How could you fall for that?” As a scam victim, you’re already wrestling with shame and loss, so spotting the difference between genuine care and performative sympathy is crucial. This article dives into why some apologies from loved ones fall flat, how they can mask blame, and what you can do to protect your peace. You deserve relationships that lift you up, not ones that quietly tear you down.
Understanding Performative Apology
When someone says “I’m sorry” but their actions—or vibe—don’t match, you’re likely dealing with a performative apology. It’s a social script, like saying “How are you?” without wanting an answer. For scam victims, these apologies sting because you’re raw, seeking real connection, not platitudes.
What Makes an Apology Performative?
A performative apology prioritizes the speaker’s comfort over your healing. Picture your cousin saying “That’s awful, I feel terrible for you” at a family dinner, then changing the subject. They might want to seem kind without doing the emotional heavy lifting—like understanding how a fake investment scam drained your savings. Often, it’s about social maintenance: they say the “right” thing to avoid awkwardness, not because they grasp your pain. Research from the University of Queensland (2019) suggests apologies lacking accountability or empathy—like skipping “I get why you’re hurting”—fail to rebuild trust. For you, this means their “sorry” might check a box but leave you feeling unseen, especially when they hint you should’ve known better.
Why Friends and Family Do This
Your loved ones aren’t always trying to hurt you—it’s messier than that. Some genuinely don’t get how scams work. They might think “It’s just money, move on” because they’ve never felt the betrayal of a romance scam. Others fear saying the wrong thing, so they stick to safe phrases like “That’s so unfair” instead of asking “How can I help?” Social psychology points to “diffusion of responsibility” here: people assume someone else—maybe a spouse or therapist—will step up, so they don’t dig deeper. Then there’s the blame factor. A 2022 study in the Journal of Consumer Affairs found 60% of scam victims face stigma, with friends quietly judging them as “gullible.” That judgment sneaks into their “I’m sorry” when they lecture you about “being more careful next time.”
The Hidden Judgment Behind the Words
You might notice a friend’s “I’m really sorry” comes with a side of “But why didn’t you check the website?” That’s the sting of hidden judgment—it’s sympathy wrapped in blame. As a scam victim, you’re already battling self-doubt; these mixed messages make it worse.
Signs They’re Judging You
Spotting judgment takes a keen eye. Maybe your sister says “I’m sorry you lost so much” but keeps asking “Didn’t you think it was suspicious?” Her curiosity feels like a quiz, not care. Or your best friend offers “That’s horrible, let me know if you need me” but goes silent when you try to talk—classic avoidance. Nonverbal cues matter too: a raised eyebrow, a quick topic switch, or a sigh when you mention the scam. These signal they’re more focused on their discomfort than your reality. If they push advice—like “Just report it and forget it”—without hearing you out, they’re likely sidestepping empathy for their own peace of mind.
Why Judgment Persists
Judgment often comes from ignorance or fear. Many people don’t realize scams are sophisticated—$8.8 billion was lost to fraud in 2022, per the FTC, often through tactics like fake emergencies or AI-crafted emails. Your uncle might say “I’m sorry you got tricked” because he thinks scams only hit the “naive,” not seeing how anyone could fall for a polished con. Others judge to distance themselves; by thinking “I’d never make that mistake,” they feel safer. It’s human, but it hurts when you’re the one picking up the pieces of a phishing scam that stole your identity.
Genuine Support vs. Social Maintenance
You need people in your corner who mean what they say—not ones just keeping the peace. Knowing the difference helps you decide who to lean on.
What Genuine Support Looks Like
Real support feels like a warm blanket, not a cold pat on the back. A friend who says “This must be so hard—want to talk about it?” and listens without judgment is gold. They ask questions like “How are you holding up?” to understand, not to probe. They might offer practical help—“Can I sit with you while you call the bank?”—or just sit quietly if you’re not ready to act. A 2020 study in Social Science & Medicine found empathetic listening reduces stress in trauma survivors, including scam victims. Genuine supporters don’t rush you to “get over it” or imply “You should’ve known.” They’re there for the long haul, even when you’re still reeling.
Social Maintenance in Action
Social maintenance is about keeping things smooth, not deep. Your coworker might say “That’s terrible, I’m sorry” in the break room but dodge you later—her goal was to avoid tension, not build trust. Family can do this too: a parent saying “I’m sorry, let’s not dwell on it” at Thanksgiving to steer clear of drama. These apologies aren’t malicious, but they’re shallow. They’re less about your pain and more about maintaining their role—nice friend, dutiful sibling—without getting their hands dirty. You’ll feel it when their “I’m here for you” leads to radio silence the moment you need real help.
Setting Boundaries to Protect Yourself
You can’t change how others act, but you can decide how much space they get in your life. Boundaries keep you safe from performative sympathy while you heal.
Step One: Identify Your Needs
Start by asking yourself what you need—maybe it’s someone to vent to, help with reporting the scam, or just quiet company. If your brother’s “I’m sorry, but you need to be smarter” leaves you drained, he’s not meeting those needs. Be clear about what support looks like for you. Do you want advice, or just a listener? Knowing this helps you spot when someone’s “I’m so sorry” is more about them than you.
Step Two: Communicate Clearly
You don’t have to confront every half-hearted “sorry.” Instead, set the tone gently. Try saying “I appreciate that—I’m just looking to talk without advice right now” when a friend jumps to “You should’ve checked their profile.” This signals what you need without a fight. If they keep judging, be firmer: “I hear your sorry, but comments about what I should’ve done aren’t helping.” You’re not being rude—you’re protecting your mental space. A 2021 study in the Journal of Social Psychology found clear boundary-setting reduces stress in strained relationships.
Step Three: Limit Exposure
Sometimes, you need distance. If your aunt’s “I’m sorry you got scammed” always ends with “But honestly, who trusts those emails?” limit how much you share. You might say “Thanks for checking in—I’m handling it” and pivot to lighter topics. Or take a break—skip that coffee date with the friend who sighs at your story. It’s okay to prioritize people who offer real support, like the cousin who says “This sucks, want me to help research next steps?” You’re not cutting people off forever—just giving yourself room to breathe.
Step Four: Seek Out Allies
You deserve a tribe that gets it. Look for others who’ve been scammed—online forums, local support groups, or even X threads where victims share stories. These folks won’t toss out a quick “I’m sorry” and move on; they’ll say “I know that gut-punch feeling” and mean it. Connecting with them can ease the isolation of a scam’s aftermath. If friends or family can’t step up, allies who’ve walked your path can fill the gap.
Moving Forward with Confidence
You’re stronger than you might feel right now. Scams don’t define you—they’re a hit you didn’t see coming, not a flaw in who you are. Navigating performative apologies is part of the journey, teaching you who’s really in your corner.
Building Resilience
Each boundary you set is a step toward reclaiming your power. When you tell a friend “I need you to listen, not fix this,” you’re practicing self-respect. When you walk away from a judgmental “I’m sorry but…” you’re choosing peace over pain. These choices stack up, helping you rebuild trust in yourself. The FTC reported in 2023 that scam victims who connect with supportive networks—whether friends or strangers—recover emotionally faster. You’re not just surviving; you’re learning to spot sincerity and demand it.
Conclusion: Finding Your Way
You’ve been through enough without sifting through empty “I’m sorry” apologies that hide blame or dodge your pain. Performative sympathy—from friends saying “That’s awful” to dodge awkwardness, or family muttering “Sorry, but be careful next time”—can leave you feeling more alone than ever. It’s not your job to fix their ignorance or fear; it’s theirs to learn how scams trick even the sharpest minds. By spotting the signs—like quick topic switches or veiled “How didn’t you know?” questions—you can protect your heart. Genuine support, the kind that asks “How can I be here for you?” and sticks around, is what you deserve. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish; it’s survival—saying “I need this to heal” lets you focus on people who lift you up. Whether it’s a friend who listens or a fellow victim online saying “I’ve been there,” those connections remind you you’re not alone. You’re rebuilding, one honest conversation at a time, and no half-hearted “sorry” can take that from you. Keep moving forward—you’ve got this.
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Important Information for New Scam Victims
- Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
- SCARS Institute now offers a free recovery program at www.SCARSeducation.org
- Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery
If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
A Question of Trust
At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
SCARS Resources:
- Getting Started: ScamVictimsSupport.org
- FREE enrollment in the SCARS Institute training programs for scam victims SCARSeducation.org
- For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
- Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
- Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
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- Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
- Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
- Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
- Learn more about the Psychology of Scams and Scam Victims: ScamPsychology.org
- Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
- Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
- Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here
If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.
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What do you think about this?
Please share your thoughts in a comment below!
This is very helpful as I continue to try an navigate each day. I find myself trying to pretend to be whoever I was before this to avoid having to answer if I’m okay or having to respond to an observation that I seem different. In time I want to be able to speak my truth confidently and without reservation so others understand this truly can happen to anyone.
These articles help me so much to not blame myself and to look for support from the right people.
En ocaciones no necesitamos palabras solamente sentir que nos apoyan . desafortunadamente algunas veces las personas que nos rodean no saben como expresar lo que sienten con relacion a saber que fuimos estafadas y una disculpa perfomativa nos hace sentir como que invalidan nuestros sentimientos y hacer que las que hemos sido víctimas sintamos que nuestras experiencias y emociones no son tomadas en serio. De alguna manera las victimas pueden percibir la disculpa como un mero formalismo para dar por terminado el asunto, sin reconocer el daño real que han sufrido. Esto puede llevar a sentimientos de frustración, enojo y emociones que no nos ayuda mucho cuando estamos dentro de todo ese caos.