Abstinence for Scam Victims – A Requirement For Healing – Updated 2026

About This Article

Abstinence is a protective recovery strategy for scam victims that involves temporarily avoiding dating and other high-risk interpersonal engagements while healing from betrayal trauma. Relationship scams dysregulate attachment, reward, and threat systems, leaving victims cognitively impaired and emotionally vulnerable for months after discovery. Premature dating often functions as emotional bypassing, reinforces trauma bonding, and increases susceptibility to manipulation by scammers or abusive partners. Abstinence supports nervous system regulation, grief processing, identity reconstruction, and restoration of judgment. It is not isolation or punishment but a time-limited act of self-protection that prioritizes long-term safety over short-term emotional relief. When paired with structured support and education, abstinence reduces repeat victimization and prepares survivors for healthier relationships built on stability rather than need.

Note: This article is intended for informational purposes and does not replace professional medical advice. If you are experiencing distress, please consult a qualified mental health professional.

The Crucial Role of Abstinence for Scam Victims: Navigating the Path to Recovery

About Abstinence

The prevalence of scams has risen to alarming levels – of course, scam victims all know that already. Scammers are constantly devising new and sophisticated ways to exploit unsuspecting individuals, leaving their victims emotionally and financially devastated. They are especially out looking for previous victims since they are even more vulnerable than they were before their first scam. This is a major reason why abstinence is so important during recovery. Not just to avoid being scammed again, but to avoid the even worse trauma that comes with additional scams. For those who have fallen victim to scams, the journey through recovery is a process of healing wounds and making informed choices to ensure future well-being. One such vital choice is the practice of abstinence – a conscious decision to avoid any contact with potential scammers or platforms where they abound, such as dating websites. Let’s delve into the importance of abstinence for scam victims and highlight why prematurely re-entering the realm of dating can disrupt or destroy the recovery process.

What Does Abstinence Mean?

What does abstinence mean for scam victims while they are recovering emotionally after a relationship scam? In recovering from a relationship scam, “abstinence” refers to avoiding any further engagement or interaction with the scammer or any similar potentially harmful individuals. But even a real person met through a dating website can be harmful to a recovering scam victim. It implies not only refraining from communicating, responding to messages, or participating in any activities initiated by the scammer but also returning to looking for a new romantic partner. During recovery, you should not introduce any strangers into your life.

This concept is borrowed from addiction recovery terminology, where abstinence means avoiding the substance or behavior that caused harm in the first place.

For scam victims, emotional recovery is important, and part of that process often involves detaching from the scammer and the toxic relationship they created. Abstinence in this sense helps the victim break free from the previous psychological hold the scammer may have had, and it gives them the space and time they need to heal, rebuild their self-esteem, and regain control over their life. However, equally important is the recognition that after the first scam, victims are traumatized and poorly equipped to make good emotional decisions, especially when it comes to new relationships. Any such activity can lead right back to another scam, or even if it is with a real person, to other lasting emotional harm. During this recovery period, it’s important for scam victims to seek support from friends, family, victims’ assistance providers, or mental health professionals who can provide guidance and help them navigate the complex emotions and vulnerabilities that arise. Abstinence is just one aspect of the recovery process. Still, it can be a vital step in regaining a sense of personal agency and moving forward toward a healthier emotional state.

Let’s Look At Scam Victims

Scam victims are emotionally devastated after their relationship scam (including romance scams, pig butchering scams, etc.) They are usually traumatized and in great need to process their grief! They are also cognitively impaired for at least the first months to a year. Is that the mindset that has the capabilities to make good relationship decisions? No, it is not. In fact, it is yet another disaster waiting to happen. The vast majority of victims who return to dating in their first 9 months are scammed again – at least once.

But what happens if they actually do find a real person to date?

Our own Debby Montgomery Johnson (a SCARS Board Member) is the exception to the rule. She found another suitable person early after her scam ended, and together they became their support structure. But the majority do not. In fact, going back into dating before even becoming emotionally stable can lead to things like significant attachment issues and seeking a savior. There are plenty of undesirable prospects out there that are ready to capitalize on just such vulnerabilities. From abusers to narcissists to psychopaths. Scam victims are extraordinarily vulnerable to domineering potential partners – in other words, to being manipulated and controlled again – by criminals or real people.

Understanding Abstinence in the Context of Scam Recovery

Abstinence, commonly associated with refraining from addictive substances or behaviors, takes on a new significance in the aftermath of a scam. It is an intentional act of self-preservation that involves steering clear of individuals, situations, and places that could potentially expose victims to further harm. In the context of scam victim recovery, abstinence entails a commitment to avoiding any contact with scammers, cutting ties with fraudulent schemes, and being vigilant about online interactions. All of which could lead to new risks because of increased vulnerability. That includes trying to return to dating, regardless of how safe a victim thinks they can be.

The Lure of Dating and Scam Vulnerability

All scam victims who are not already married want to find the right person for themselves. After all, for many, it was that search for a perfect partner that was how they encountered the scammers, to begin with. But that did not work out so well the last time, did it? Online dating platforms have transformed the way people connect, offering convenience and opportunities to build meaningful relationships. However, these platforms have also become a breeding ground for scammers who exploit individuals seeking companionship or romance. Scammers choke these platforms; on some, there may be as many as 90% fake profiles. All relationship scam victims know what scammers are capable of doing to a person from their experience the first time through. Now, just imagine how much more vulnerable and fragile they are after the first scam. Returning to dating after being a scam victim can be a complex and challenging process for scam victims. While each individual’s experience is unique, there are several psychological and emotional factors that may contribute to the lure of returning to dating. However, the single major factor is the inability to properly evaluate their need for recovery and risk avoidance in their impaired mental state. Because victims have not recovered, they are easily swayed by emotional decision-making that causes a return to magical thinking and the inability to recognize risks properly:

1. Loneliness and Isolation: Scam victims typically have experienced a significant loss of trust and connection in their lives. The feeling of loneliness and isolation can drive them to seek companionship and emotional connection through dating.
2. Desire for Validation: Scammers are skilled at manipulating victims’ emotions and creating a false sense of intimacy. Victims may crave validation and affirmation that they are worthy of love and attention, leading them to seek out new relationships.
3. Reclaiming Identity: Scam victims usually have experienced a loss of self-esteem and identity during the scam. Returning to dating could be seen as a way to regain a sense of self-worth and reclaim their identity as a desirable partner.
4. Hope and Healing: Engaging in a new romantic relationship might symbolize hope for a brighter future and a way to move past the trauma of the scam. Victims may believe that a healthy relationship can help them heal and restore their faith in love.
5. Normalcy and Routine: Reentering the dating scene can provide a sense of normalcy and routine in the aftermath of a scam. It may offer a distraction from the pain and disruption caused by the scam.
6. Social Pressure: Society often places emphasis on romantic relationships as a marker of success and happiness. Scam victims might feel societal pressure to “get back out there” and start dating again.
7. Emotional Vulnerability: Scam victims might find themselves in a vulnerable emotional state, making them more susceptible to forming new connections quickly as a way to cope with their feelings.
8. Cravings: Many victims report craving the feeling of closeness and intimacy they experienced in the previous fake relationship. They want to recapture it again.

Each of these is an example of how scam victims have not restored their emotional stability and are acting impulsively. They are understandable in the desire to get the scam behind them, but it takes considerable time to heal from such an experience, and rebounding is never advisable. In fact, giving in to these impulses can lead a victim to become a serial victim. While these reasons may be understandable, it’s important for scam victims to avoid dating for their first 9 months, and then after that to approach dating cautiously and mindfully. Even after a victim’s recovery is well established, it’s advisable to take time for self-reflection, healing, and rebuilding emotional resilience before entering into a new romantic relationship. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals who understand the complexities of post-scam recovery can be instrumental in making healthier and more informed decisions about dating and relationships.

Importance of Abstinence

Protecting Emotional and Financial Well-being:

• Emotional Healing: Scam victims experience a range of emotions, including shame, guilt, anger, and betrayal. Not to mention significant trauma and grief. Engaging with scammers or strangers, or platforms again, will trigger these painful memories, hindering the healing process. Abstinence provides a safe space for victims to focus on their emotional recovery without the added stress of potential scam/stranger encounters. Additionally, the increased vulnerabilities following the first scam can make victims more likely to be victimized again.
• Rebuilding Trust: Scams erode a victim’s ability to trust others, which can have lasting effects on their future relationships. Abstaining from interactions with scammers/strangers or similar platforms allows victims to rebuild their trust in a controlled environment, surrounded by genuine friends, family, and support networks. Most scam victims say they will never trust anyone again – is this really the mindset that someone needs to go out looking for a new relationship?
• Financial Security: Financial losses resulting from scams can be devastating. Abstinence from further interactions with scammers or even strangers helps to prevent victims from falling into the same traps and helps them regain control of their finances. It also encourages victims to seek legal recourse and engage with financial professionals to rectify the damage. After the first scam ends, there are a significant number of serious decisions to be made about finances, taxes, possible bankruptcy, and maybe even legal actions – being distracted by even the idea of a new romance can derail the focus that will be needed to navigate these actions.

Simply put, reverting to online or any form of dating for scam victims in their first 9 months (and potentially longer) is an avoidance or negative coping mechanism; it allows a victim to ignore their pain and trauma by living yet another fantasy. They are very likely to latch onto the first possible candidate because that person checks all of their boxes: security, belief in happily ever after, support, and validation, but also allowing them to set aside the need for recovery. Recovery is hard, but jumping back into someone’s arms is easy. It just bypasses everything that would be needed for recovery. But it also buries the trauma and avoids the work that is needed to recover. ‘Doing the same thing again and expecting different results’ is the mantra of a victim who jumps back into dating without adequate time in recovery.

The Risk of Prematurely Re-entering Dating

While the desire for companionship and love is natural, prematurely re-entering the world of dating after a scam can disrupt or completely stop the recovery process. And potentially create significant mental health issues for years to come. Here’s why:

• Vulnerability to Manipulation: Scammers are skilled at identifying vulnerable individuals. Scam victims, still grappling with the aftermath of their experience, will overlook red flags or be more susceptible to emotional manipulation. But even real people can exploit victims’ vulnerabilities for any purpose they choose, and victims are not prepared to see it. But it isn’t just scammers that manipulate vulnerable people – there are predators galore out in the dating world, and victims are poorly equipped to spot and avoid them.
• Unresolved Emotional Triggers: Prematurely engaging in dating can expose victims to situations that trigger unresolved emotions, potentially leading to further psychological distress. This would especially have a very negative impact on any relationship with whoever they are dating.
• Heightened Anxiety: Interacting with strangers anywhere can exacerbate anxiety, especially for those who have been victimized. This anxiety can wreck the recovery process and stall emotional healing.
• Deepening Trauma: Dating is a maze of hidden dangers emotionally. Just imagine the trauma that could come with another betrayal of any kind, real or imagined.
• Promote Development of Mental Disorders: The negative consequences of dating for unprepared and unhealed scam victims can be significant, including the development of disorders that can be even more debilitating. These can include attachment issues, anxiety, depression, and many more.

Healing is needed before jumping back into situations that can cause more injuries. This would seem obvious, but for many scam victims, the desire to avoid the pain of recovery overrides all other considerations.

The Neurobiology of Abstinence After a Relationship Scam

Abstinence after a relationship scam is not merely a behavioral recommendation. It is a neurological necessity. Relationship scams manipulate the brain’s reward, attachment, and threat systems in ways that closely resemble addictive conditioning. During the scam, intermittent reinforcement, affection, urgency, and crisis activate dopamine pathways while simultaneously engaging attachment circuitry. This creates powerful emotional learning that does not simply disappear when the scam ends.

When the scam collapses, the brain enters a state of dysregulation. Dopamine levels drop, attachment bonds are severed abruptly, and the nervous system remains on high alert. This produces cravings, emotional pain, cognitive fog, and impulsive decision-making. In this state, the brain seeks relief, not wisdom. Returning to dating during this period reactivates the same reward circuits before they have stabilized, reinforcing maladaptive patterns rather than healing them.

Abstinence allows the nervous system to recalibrate. It reduces reactivation of reward-seeking loops and gives the brain time to restore baseline regulation. Without this pause, the brain remains locked in urgency and fantasy, impairing judgment and increasing vulnerability.

Trauma Bonding and Why Abstinence Interrupts It

Trauma bonding occurs when intense emotional attachment forms in the presence of manipulation, fear, and intermittent reward. In relationship scams, the victim’s bond is strengthened by cycles of hope and loss, affection and crisis. This wiring causes the brain to associate emotional pain with connection, making separation feel intolerable.

After the scam ends, trauma bonding does not automatically dissolve. The craving for closeness, reassurance, and intensity often remains, even when the victim intellectually understands what happened. This craving is not a sign of readiness for love. It is a conditioned response.

Abstinence interrupts trauma bonding by removing the stimuli that reinforce it. Without new romantic input, the brain is forced to process the loss rather than replace it. Over time, this weakens the bond’s hold and allows healthier attachment patterns to reemerge.

Identity Reconstruction Before Relationship Reconstruction

Relationship scams collapse identity. Victims often lose confidence, agency, and a sense of self. Dating before identity reconstruction risks forming relationships around need rather than choice.

Abstinence creates the conditions for rebuilding identity separate from romantic roles. When identity stabilizes, relationships become optional rather than compensatory.

Dating as Dissociation and Emotional Bypassing

For many scam victims, returning to dating functions as a form of dissociation. It offers distraction, fantasy, and emotional relief without requiring grief processing. This is not a conscious choice to avoid healing. It is a nervous system strategy to escape overwhelming pain.

Dating introduces novelty, validation, and hope, which can temporarily suppress grief, shame, and fear. However, suppressed trauma does not resolve. It waits. When healing is bypassed, unresolved emotions resurface later, often with greater intensity and in less safe contexts.

Abstinence prevents emotional bypassing. It forces recovery to happen in the correct sequence: stabilization, grief processing, identity rebuilding, and only then relational reengagement.

Attachment Regression After Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma often causes temporary regression in attachment functioning. Individuals who were previously secure may become anxiously attached, hyper-focused on reassurance, or fearful of abandonment. Others may oscillate between closeness and withdrawal.

In this regressed state, victims are more likely to seek rescuers, tolerate boundary violations, or attach quickly to dominant personalities. This increases the risk of entering unhealthy relationships, even with non-criminal partners.

Abstinence protects against attachment regression becoming permanent. It allows attachment systems to stabilize in the absence of romantic pressure and gives victims time to rebuild boundaries and self-trust.

Shame as a Hidden Driver of Premature Dating

Shame is one of the most powerful forces pushing scam victims back into dating prematurely. After a scam, victims often feel defective, foolish, or unworthy. Dating can become an unconscious attempt to disprove those beliefs.

Validation from a new partner may temporarily soothe shame, but it does not resolve it. Instead, it ties self-worth to external approval, increasing dependency and vulnerability. Abstinence removes this pressure and creates space for internal repair.

Healing shame requires safety, education, and self-compassion, not romantic proof.

Grief Timing and the Cost of Avoidance

Grief must be felt to resolve. Abstinence protects early grief processing by preventing displacement into fantasy or replacement relationships. When grief is avoided, it resurfaces later, often disrupting otherwise stable relationships.

Healing grief first protects future intimacy.

Abstinence as Autonomy, Not Control

Abstinence is not punishment. It is self-directed protection. It restores agency by prioritizing long-term safety over short-term relief.

The decision to pause dating is an act of self-respect, not restriction.

When Abstinence Can Safely End

Abstinence is not indefinite. It is purposeful and time-limited. Signs that a victim may be ready to consider dating include:

• Emotional stability without urgency or desperation.
• Ability to tolerate loneliness without panic.
• Restored capacity for risk evaluation and boundary enforcement.
• Reduced fantasy thinking and emotional craving.
• Integrated understanding of the scam without emotional flooding.

Dating readiness is defined by regulation, not time alone.

Abstinence Is Not Isolation

Abstinence does not mean withdrawing from connection. In fact, isolation increases risk. Healthy recovery requires safe, non-romantic relationships, peer support, structured routines, and professional guidance.

The goal is not to avoid people. The goal is to avoid romantic entanglements while the nervous system heals.

Supporting Abstinence in Daily Life

Successful abstinence requires replacement behaviors. These include:

• Scheduled social contact with safe people.
• Physical regulation practices such as walking, breathing, and grounding.
• Education that normalizes cravings without acting on them.
• Clear boundaries around online platforms.
• Support accountability through recovery groups or professionals.

Abstinence succeeds when it is supported, not endured alone.

Conclusion

Abstinence plays a central role in stabilizing scam victims during the most vulnerable stages of recovery. Relationship scams disrupt attachment systems, distort reward processing, and impair judgment, leaving survivors neurologically and emotionally ill-equipped to evaluate new relational risks. Abstaining from dating and other high-risk interpersonal engagements is not avoidance or fear. It is an intentional pause that protects the nervous system while grief, shame, and identity disruption are processed safely. By removing exposure to triggers that reactivate trauma bonding and impulsive reward seeking, abstinence supports emotional regulation, restores agency, and reduces the likelihood of repeat victimization. Recovery requires time, structure, and safety, not urgency or replacement relationships. When abstinence is supported by education, stable routines, and trusted connections, it becomes a foundation for long-term healing rather than a restriction. It allows survivors to rebuild from a place of clarity, resilience, and self-trust before reentering intimate relationships.

More:

• Rebounding and the Risk of Re-Victimization
• Brain Fog Caused By Scam Related PTSD
• A Serial Victim – Recognizing If You Are One
• How Magical Biased & Delusional Thinking Enslaves Scam Victims
• You Have Been Scammed – So Back To Online Dating
• Rescamming
• Scam Victim’s Learning Process [INFOGRAPHIC]
• SCARS Revised 2023 Romance Scams Lifecycle Infographic Diagram

Glossary

• Abstinence — In scam recovery, abstinence refers to the intentional decision to avoid dating, romantic engagement, and contact with strangers during early healing. It protects emotional stability while cognitive judgment and self-trust are being restored after trauma.
• Attachment Regression — Attachment regression describes the temporary shift toward anxious, fearful, or disorganized attachment patterns following betrayal trauma. This regression increases vulnerability to manipulation and makes healthy relationship evaluation more difficult during recovery.
• Betrayal Trauma — Betrayal trauma occurs when trust is violated by someone the victim depended on for emotional safety or connection. It disrupts identity, attachment systems, and the ability to accurately assess relational risk.
• Boundary Erosion — Boundary erosion is the gradual weakening of personal limits caused by manipulation, emotional pressure, or trauma bonding. Scam victims often experience difficulty reasserting boundaries without a period of abstinence and stabilization.
• Cognitive Fog — Cognitive fog refers to impaired concentration, slowed thinking, and reduced decision-making capacity after traumatic stress. This impairment limits the ability to evaluate risk and increases susceptibility to repeat harm.
• Compensatory Relationships — Compensatory relationships are connections formed to fill emotional pain, loneliness, or shame rather than mutual readiness. These relationships often develop prematurely and can replicate unhealthy dynamics.
• Conditioned Attachment — Conditioned attachment develops when emotional bonding is reinforced through intermittent reward and crisis. Relationship scams deliberately condition attachment, making separation psychologically painful even after deception is revealed.
• Cravings — Cravings describe intense urges for closeness, reassurance, or emotional intensity after a scam ends. These urges reflect neurological conditioning rather than readiness for healthy intimacy.
• Dating Readiness — Dating readiness refers to emotional regulation, restored judgment, and stable identity, rather than time elapsed since a scam. Readiness is measured by safety, not urgency or loneliness.
• Dissociation — Dissociation is a nervous system response that distances a person from emotional pain through distraction or fantasy. Premature dating can function as dissociation by bypassing grief processing.
• Dopamine Dysregulation — Dopamine dysregulation occurs when reward circuits are overstimulated during a scam and then abruptly deprived. This imbalance drives impulsive behavior and poor risk assessment during early recovery.
• Emotional Bypassing — Emotional bypassing involves avoiding grief and trauma by seeking immediate relief through new relationships. This delays healing and increases long-term emotional complications.
• Emotional Regulation — Emotional regulation is the ability to experience feelings without being overwhelmed or driven into impulsive action. Abstinence supports regulation by reducing triggering relational stimuli.
• Fantasy Reinforcement — Fantasy reinforcement happens when new romantic interactions reactivate unrealistic expectations formed during a scam. This reinforces maladaptive beliefs rather than supporting grounded recovery.
• Grief Processing — Grief processing is the necessary experience of loss, anger, sadness, and disillusionment after a scam. Avoiding this process prolongs distress and disrupts future relationships.
• Hypervigilance — Hypervigilance is a trauma response marked by heightened alertness and anxiety around perceived threats. Dating during this state increases stress and undermines emotional healing.
• Identity Collapse — Identity collapse describes the loss of self-confidence, role clarity, and agency after prolonged manipulation. Rebuilding identity must occur before forming new romantic bonds.
• Identity Reconstruction — Identity reconstruction is the gradual rebuilding of self-trust, values, and autonomy after betrayal trauma. Abstinence provides the stability needed for this process.
• Impulse Control — Impulse control refers to the ability to pause and evaluate emotional urges before acting. Trauma temporarily weakens this capacity, increasing the risk of premature relationship decisions.
• Intermittent Reinforcement — Intermittent reinforcement is a conditioning pattern where affection and withdrawal alternate unpredictably. This pattern strengthens attachment and mirrors addictive learning processes.
• Isolation Risk — Isolation risk refers to increased vulnerability when a victim withdraws from all connections. Abstinence targets romantic risk only and should be balanced with safe social support.
• Loneliness Pressure — Loneliness pressure is the emotional drive to escape isolation through immediate connection. This pressure often overrides rational risk assessment during early recovery.
• Magical Thinking — Magical thinking involves unrealistic beliefs that circumstances will be different without evidence of change. Trauma and emotional pain increase reliance on this cognitive distortion.
• Manipulation Sensitivity — Manipulation sensitivity is heightened after trauma, making emotional cues more persuasive. This sensitivity increases susceptibility to both scammers and unhealthy partners.
• Neurobiological Recovery — Neurobiological recovery is the process of restoring balance to reward, attachment, and threat systems after trauma. Abstinence reduces stimulation that interferes with this stabilization.
• Nervous System Dysregulation — Nervous system dysregulation occurs when stress responses remain activated long after danger has passed. Dating can prolong this state by reintroducing emotional uncertainty.
• Negative Coping — Negative coping refers to behaviors that temporarily relieve pain while worsening long-term outcomes. Premature dating often functions as a negative coping strategy.
• Online Platform Exposure — Online platform exposure increases risk by placing vulnerable individuals in environments saturated with deception. Abstinence includes reducing access to high-risk digital spaces.
• Predatory Targeting — Predatory targeting is the deliberate identification of emotionally vulnerable individuals by exploiters. Recent scam victims are at increased risk without protective boundaries.
• Psychological Safety — Psychological safety is the experience of emotional stability and predictability necessary for healing. Abstinence supports safety by reducing exposure to relational threats.
• Rebound Relationships — Rebound relationships are formed quickly after a loss to avoid emotional pain. These relationships often replicate unhealthy dynamics and delay recovery.
• Relational Urgency — Relational urgency is the intense need to attach quickly to relieve distress. This urgency signals unresolved trauma rather than readiness for intimacy.
• Rescamming Risk — Rescamming risk refers to the high likelihood of being targeted again after an initial scam. Vulnerability remains elevated until emotional and cognitive recovery progresses.
• Reward-Seeking Loops — Reward-seeking loops are repetitive behaviors driven by the brain’s desire for relief and pleasure. Dating during recovery can reinforce these loops rather than resolve them.
• Self-trust Erosion — Self-trust erosion is the loss of confidence in one’s judgment after deception. Rebuilding self trust requires time without high stakes emotional decisions.
• Shame Activation — Shame activation involves feelings of defectiveness or unworthiness following victimization. Seeking validation through dating can intensify dependence rather than heal shame.
• Stabilization Phase — The stabilization phase is the early stage of recovery focused on safety, regulation, and support. Abstinence is most critical during this period.
• Trauma Bond — A trauma bond is an emotional attachment formed through cycles of fear, affection, and manipulation. These bonds persist after separation and require interruption to heal.
• Trigger Reactivation — Trigger reactivation occurs when new relational cues awaken unresolved trauma responses. Dating introduces frequent triggers during early recovery.
• Validation Seeking — Validation seeking is the reliance on external approval to restore self-worth. This pattern increases vulnerability and undermines autonomous recovery.
• Vulnerability Window — The vulnerability window is the period after a scam when emotional and cognitive defenses are impaired. Protective measures are most effective during this time.
• Withdrawal Symptoms — Withdrawal symptoms include emotional pain, craving, anxiety, and restlessness after ending a manipulative relationship. These symptoms reflect neurological conditioning rather than personal weakness.

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