Secondary-Gaslighting and the Effect it has on Scam Victims

Secondary Gaslighting: How Families and Friends Can Create a Hidden Barrier for Scam Victims’ Recovery

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Authors:
•  Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist, Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth – Anthropologist, Scientist, Polymath, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

About This Article

Secondary gaslighting occurs when a scam victim’s experiences are invalidated or dismissed by family or friends after they’ve already been manipulated by scammers.

In the context of scam victims, this can manifest as loved ones minimizing the trauma, blaming the victim, or questioning their feelings. This further damages the victim’s emotional recovery, leading to isolation, prolonged trauma, and erosion of self-esteem.

Avoiding secondary gaslighting involves active listening, empathy, avoiding blame, and encouraging professional help to ensure a supportive environment for healing.

Secondary Gaslighting: How Families and Friends Can Create a Hidden Barrier for Scam Victims’ Recovery

Secondary gaslighting occurs when a third party, such as family or friends, dismisses or invalidates a victim’s experiences after they’ve already been manipulated. In the context of scam victims, this can happen when loved ones unintentionally side with the scammer’s narrative by minimizing the victim’s trauma or questioning the legitimacy of their feelings. Secondary gaslighting can have a profound impact on the victim’s emotional recovery and their relationships, further isolating the victim and causing additional emotional harm.

How Secondary Gaslighting Happens to Scam Victims

After a scam ends, victims often struggle with shame, guilt, and self-doubt. In this vulnerable state, they might turn to friends, family, or professionals for support, expecting empathy and validation. However, when the people they trust downplay their pain or challenge the reality of their victimization, secondary gaslighting occurs.

Here are some examples of secondary gaslighting in the context of scams:

Minimizing the Scam’s Impact: Family members may say things like, “It’s just money, move on,” or “Why didn’t you see this coming?” These statements invalidate the trauma, implying that the victim should have known better or that the scam was a minor event, even though the emotional and psychological consequences are far more profound.

Blaming the Victim: Well-meaning loved ones might suggest the victim was careless or naïve, even if unintentionally. Comments like “How could you fall for that?” reinforce feelings of shame and guilt, deepening the emotional damage.

Denying the Victim’s Emotional Pain: Sometimes, when victims express their distress, others may encourage them to “stay positive” or “look on the bright side,” effectively dismissing their pain and preventing the victim from fully processing their emotions.

Reinforcing Trust Issues: Victims may be told not to trust anyone, heightening feelings of isolation. Such remarks can lead victims to question their own judgment even more deeply, pushing them further into a cycle of self-doubt and mistrust.

The Profound Impact on Scam Victims

Secondary gaslighting worsens the emotional toll already inflicted by the scam. Victims of scams often experience trauma comparable to other forms of abuse, such as PTSD, depression, anxiety, and profound trust issues. When victims encounter secondary gaslighting, the following effects can occur:

Increased Isolation: When a victim’s reality is dismissed, they may withdraw from others, feeling as though no one understands their pain. This isolation can exacerbate feelings of shame and guilt, making recovery much harder.

Prolonged Trauma: Secondary gaslighting forces victims to continually question their own feelings, delaying emotional healing. The invalidation of their experiences can leave them stuck in denial, unable to process the scam’s impact and move forward.

Erosion of Self-Esteem: Repeated questioning or dismissal of their experiences can lead victims to doubt their own perceptions, further diminishing their already shattered self-confidence.

Complicated Recovery: Victims who face secondary gaslighting are less likely to seek help from professionals, such as therapists or support groups, as they may come to believe that their trauma isn’t valid or “worthy” of attention.

Damaging Relationships

Secondary gaslighting not only harms the victim but also damages relationships. Family members and friends who engage in secondary gaslighting, even unintentionally, may erode the trust between them and the victim. Instead of fostering a supportive environment for recovery, these relationships may become strained or even break down.

Distrust in Loved Ones: Victims may begin to distrust those who minimize their feelings, creating a wedge between them and their closest support systems.

Emotional Withdrawal: When gaslighting occurs, victims may distance themselves emotionally from friends and family, unable to share their pain for fear of being dismissed again.

Communication Breakdown: Secondary gaslighting can lead to a lack of open, honest communication between the victim and their loved ones, making it harder to rebuild trust or seek mutual understanding.

How to Avoid Secondary Gaslighting

For family and friends who want to help scam victims recover, it’s crucial to approach the situation with sensitivity, empathy, and validation. Here are steps to avoid secondary gaslighting:

Listen Actively: Offer a non-judgmental space for the victim to share their feelings and experiences. Avoid interrupting or questioning their reality.

Acknowledge Their Pain: Even if you don’t fully understand the trauma, affirm that their feelings are valid and that the experience was painful.

Avoid Blame: Instead of asking why they didn’t see the scam coming, focus on how they can recover. Avoid comments that imply the victim was at fault.

Encourage Professional Help: Gently suggest counseling or support groups for victims to process their trauma. Reassure them that their pain is real and deserving of professional support.

Conclusion

Secondary gaslighting is a subtle but damaging form of invalidation that can severely affect scam victims’ emotional recovery. By recognizing the signs and understanding how it manifests, family members and friends can provide the empathy and support that victims need to heal. Avoiding secondary gaslighting helps victims regain their confidence, rebuild trust, and navigate the difficult path toward emotional recovery.

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A Note About Labeling!

We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!

A Note to Our Readers: Understanding Without Blame

At the SCARS Institute, our work is dedicated to you, the survivor. We explore the complex journey of scam victimization to help you make sense of what happened. Our purpose is to transform confusion into clarity, shame into self-compassion, and fear into strength. We do this by examining the science behind these crimes and the very human responses they trigger.

We know that reading about the psychology of a scam, victimization, and recovery can sometimes feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable. Please know, this is never about blame. It is about understanding. Scam victims are never, ever at fault. Criminals are the sole architects of these deceptions. Our goal is to illuminate the expertly crafted tactics used against you and explain the natural, biological processes that made the scam feel so real, the processes of the mind and body, and how you can recover. We want you to see that your reactions were not weaknesses, but signs of your humanity.

By sharing this knowledge, we hope to help you piece together your story and journey ahead with kindness and self-compassion. We want to replace the echo of shame with the profound realizations of knowledge. This understanding is a powerful step toward healing and rebuilding a future where you feel safe and secure.

For further support and educational resources, please visit ScamVictimsSupport.org, ScamPsychology.org, RomanceScamsNOW.com, and other SCARS Institute websites. o join our free, safe, and confidential survivors’ community, visit SCARScommunity.org. You are not alone on this path.