Unintentional Toxic Comments to Avoid

The Unintentionally Toxic Comments that Friends and Family, and Advocates Make that are Toxic for Scam Victims-Survivors and That Should Be Avoided

FOR ADVOCATES, FRIENDS, AND FAMILY OF SCAM VICTIMS

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Author:
•  Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist, Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D., DFin, MCPO, MAnth – Anthropologist, Scientist, Polymath, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

About This Article

Supporting scam victims through recovery requires sensitivity and an awareness of how certain comments can be unintentionally harmful. Statements that blame, minimize, or dismiss their experience can amplify feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation, often deepening their emotional wounds.

Phrases like “You should have known better” or “Just move on” imply a lack of understanding and invalidate their pain, making them feel as though their trauma is unworthy of compassion or attention. Overly simplistic advice, such as “Stay positive” or “Forgive and forget,” minimizes the complex emotional journey of healing, while comparison with others’ experiences can make victims feel insignificant.

These kinds of comments inadvertently discourage victims from expressing themselves and seeking help, underscoring the importance of offering empathy, active listening, and unconditional validation to foster a safe space for healing.

The Unintentional Comments that Friends and Family Make that are Toxic for Scam Victims-Survivors and that should be Avoided

When supporting individuals recovering from trauma, particularly those affected by scams or other forms of emotional abuse, well-intentioned but harmful comments can inadvertently deepen their emotional wounds.

Common statements that blame, minimize, or rush victims to heal often result in shame, isolation, or a sense of being misunderstood. Each type of dismissive or judgmental comment, from oversimplified advice to overt blaming, compounds the trauma, undermining trust and slowing the healing process.

Trauma-informed care emphasizes validation, empathy, and patience, allowing individuals to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Understanding why certain statements are harmful is essential for creating supportive environments where victims can feel safe and valued.

Here’s a list of toxic or inappropriate comments, sayings, and statements often unhelpful or harmful to traumatized victims:

Blaming or Shaming Statements

• • ‘How could you let this happen to you?’
  • ‘Why didn’t you see the red flags?’
  • ‘It’s your fault for trusting someone so easily.’

Explanation: Blame and shame comments imply the victim is responsible for their trauma, which can worsen feelings of guilt and self-doubt. Trauma often leads victims to question their own judgment already, and statements like these reinforce a negative internal narrative, making it harder for them to rebuild self-confidence.

Dismissive or Minimizing Remarks

• • ‘Just move on and get over it.’
  • ‘It could have been worse.’
  • ‘At least you’re still alive, right?’
  • ‘Other people have gone through much worse.’
  • ‘Everything happens for a reason.’

Explanation: Minimizing statements disregard the depth of the person’s experience and pain. Trauma often involves deep emotional scars, and dismissing it as “not that bad” can make individuals feel that their feelings are invalid. This can hinder their willingness to express themselves and seek help.

Oversimplified Solutions

• • ‘Just be positive; everything happens for a reason.’
  • ‘You should just forgive and forget.’
  • ‘Why don’t you just distract yourself?’

Explanation: Oversimplified advice minimizes the complexity of trauma recovery. Telling someone to “just forgive and forget” assumes trauma is easily overcome, which it’s not. This attitude can cause victims to feel misunderstood, as if they are expected to “snap out of it” rather than go through a gradual healing process.

Unsolicited Advice or Invalidating Emotions

• • ‘You need to calm down; you’re overreacting.’
  • ‘Stop feeling sorry for yourself.’
  • ‘Just don’t think about it too much.’

Explanation: These statements suggest that the victim’s emotional response is wrong or excessive, invalidating their pain and self-expression. Trauma often brings intense emotions, and invalidating them can lead to emotional suppression, which hinders healing and can worsen symptoms of anxiety or depression.

Judgmental Questions or Statements

• • ‘How did you not realize what was happening?’
  • ‘I would never let that happen to me.’
  • ‘Only weak people fall for those kinds of scams.’

Explanation: Judgmental statements can make victims feel foolish or inferior, increasing feelings of shame and isolation. Trauma often clouds judgment, and many victims already blame themselves. This type of comment reinforces self-blame and can prevent individuals from seeking support, and fearing judgment from others.

Toxic Positivity

• • ‘Think happy thoughts!’
  • ‘You’re too focused on the negative.’
  • ‘Don’t let it bring you down; stay strong.’
  • ‘The trauma made you stronger.’

Explanation: Toxic positivity denies the victim the space to feel and process their true emotions. The “always stay positive” approach can be dismissive, making individuals feel as if they need to hide their struggles. Authentic healing often requires acknowledging and working through difficult emotions rather than covering them up.

Impatience or Lack of Empathy

• • ‘You should be over this by now.’
  • ‘How much longer are you going to feel this way?’
  • ‘Aren’t you done talking about this yet?’

Explanation: Recovery from trauma has no set timeline, and rushing someone’s healing process can create pressure and guilt. Impatience communicates that the listener is tired of the victim’s pain, potentially pushing them toward silence and isolation, which can worsen mental health outcomes.

Statements that Pressure Immediate Recovery

• • ‘Time heals all wounds, so just give it time.’
  • ‘Focus on moving forward, not backward.’
  • ‘Why are you still dwelling on the past?’
  • ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’
  • ‘You should get out more.’
  • ‘Just try meeting real people.’

Explanation: Encouraging someone to “move on” quickly or “just give it time” oversimplifies the process of recovery. Trauma can involve ongoing challenges and struggles, and pushing immediate recovery implies that lingering pain or difficulties are abnormal or wrong.

Dismissive of the Victim’s Trauma Responses

• • ‘You’re just being dramatic.’
  • ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’
  • ‘That’s just life—deal with it.’

Explanation: These comments invalidate the victim’s experience, making them feel misunderstood and unsupported. By calling their response “dramatic” or trivial, the individual may suppress their emotions, delaying healing and fostering self-doubt.

Comparing Experiences

• • ‘I know exactly how you feel because I went through something similar.’
  • ‘You’ll be fine—look at what I went through.’
  • ‘So many people go through this, you’re not the only one.’
  • ‘I’ve been there too.’

Explanation: Although often well-intentioned, comparing experiences can diminish the uniqueness of the victim’s pain. Each person’s trauma is deeply personal, and comparisons can make individuals feel guilty for their feelings or believe their trauma isn’t significant enough to warrant attention.

Insensitive Spiritual or Religious Statements

• • ‘This is God’s plan.’
  • ‘Everything happens for a reason, so try to see the positive side.’
  • ‘This is a test; you’re supposed to learn from this.’

Explanation: Religious or spiritual comments can be deeply comforting to some but harmful to others. Such statements might suggest the trauma was deserved or necessary, which can deepen feelings of shame or resentment. For those who don’t share these beliefs, it can feel dismissive or even offensive.

Financial Blame Statements (for scam victims specifically)

• • ‘Why would you send money to a stranger?’
  • ‘I would never be so gullible with my money.’
  • ‘Well, you’ll be more careful next time.’

Explanation: Financial blame comments can intensify the already-present guilt and shame in scam victims. Victims of scams are often manipulated through skilled tactics that would fool even experienced individuals, and hearing financial blame can make them hesitant to share their story or seek support.

Review

These types of statements, while often unintentional, can make traumatized victims feel invalidated, isolated, or misunderstood. Responding with empathy, active listening, and validating their emotions without judgment is crucial for supporting their recovery.

When supporting scam victims recovering from trauma, certain statements commonly used by well-meaning friends or family members can be harmful and counterproductive. Comments that blame or shame the victim, such as “How could you let this happen?” suggest that they are responsible for the scam, which can worsen their feelings of guilt and insecurity. Similarly, dismissive remarks like “Just get over it” or “It could have been worse” undermine the gravity of their trauma, making them feel their pain isn’t valid. Simplistic advice, such as “Just think positive” or “You should forgive and forget,” disregards the complexity of trauma recovery, suggesting a quick fix where there is none.

Invalidating or unsolicited advice—like telling them they’re “overreacting” or should simply “move on”—implies their emotions are inappropriate, pushing them toward emotional suppression rather than healing. Furthermore, judgmental questions, such as “Why didn’t you see the red flags?” reinforce self-blame and make victims feel inferior, increasing their sense of isolation. Statements that express toxic positivity or impatience, such as “Stay strong” or “You should be over this by now,” disregard the importance of acknowledging and processing emotions for genuine recovery.

Comparing experiences, no matter how well-intentioned, can also diminish the victim’s individual pain, leaving them feeling misunderstood or insignificant. Finally, spiritual statements like “This is God’s plan” or financial blame statements like “I would never send money to a stranger” deepen feelings of guilt, making it harder for victims to share or seek support. Compassionate support, active listening, and validation of the victim’s feelings foster a healing environment, showing victims that their experiences are respected and understood.

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