Onbaitori – Finding Your Own Pace for Scam Victims on the Yellow Brick Road of Recovery
Japanese Concept of Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり) and the Yellow Brick Road of Recovery for Scam Victims
Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Philosophy
Intended Audience: Scam Victims-Survivors / Family & Friends
Author:
• Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
About This Article
The Japanese concept of Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり) teaches that each person develops at their own pace, just as different trees bloom in their own time. Rooted in nature symbolism, it encourages patience, self-acceptance, and resilience—qualities that are essential for scam victims navigating the difficult path of recovery. Much like Dorothy’s journey along the Yellow Brick Road in The Wizard of Oz, scam victims face unique challenges, obstacles, and timelines in their healing process.
Onbaitori reminds survivors not to compare their progress to others and instead focus on their own steps forward, however small they may be. By following this philosophy, scam victims can release self-blame, break down recovery into manageable steps, build a supportive environment, and trust in their eventual renewal. Healing, like the changing seasons, happens in its own time, and embracing the Onbaitori mindset allows survivors to walk their path with patience, confidence, and hope.
Japanese Concept of Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり) and the Yellow Brick Road of Recovery for Scam Victims
What is Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり)
Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり) is a Japanese concept rooted in nature and personal growth, symbolizing the idea that each person develops at their own pace and should not be compared to others. It comes from the imagery of four different trees—the cherry (sakura), plum (ume), peach (momo), and apricot (anzu)—which all bloom at different times in spring. Despite their differences in timing, each tree blooms beautifully in its own way.
Meaning and Cultural Significance
The phrase embodies patience, self-acceptance, and the avoidance of unnecessary competition. It teaches that:
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- Growth is not a race – Everyone has their own timeline for success.
- Comparison is unnecessary – Just as trees bloom in their own time, people achieve milestones in life at different speeds.
- Individual strengths matter – Each flower has its own beauty, just as each person has unique skills and qualities.
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Application in Japanese Society
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- Education & Work: Onbaitori encourages students and workers not to compare themselves to others, but instead focus on personal progress.
- Personal Growth: It reminds individuals to embrace their own journey rather than feeling pressure to match society’s expectations.
- Mindfulness & Contentment: The idea aligns with Zen Buddhism and Japanese philosophies that emphasize accepting life’s natural flow.
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Connection to the Japanese Mindset
Japan, despite having a competitive culture, also deeply values harmony, patience, and personal fulfillment. Onbaitori reflects the balance between ambition and self-acceptance, encouraging people to appreciate their own progress rather than feeling inadequate due to societal expectations.
How Does Apply to Scam Victims
In the aftermath of being scammed, victims often find themselves lost in a storm of emotions—shame, guilt, anger, and despair. The journey to recovery is not linear, nor is it the same for everyone. Like Dorothy and her companions traveling along the Yellow Brick Road in The Wizard of Oz, each person moves at their own pace, encountering personal obstacles along the way. In Japanese culture, the concept of Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり) serves as a powerful reminder that everyone blooms in their own time, and comparisons with others are unnecessary. For scam victims, this philosophy provides the patience and self-acceptance needed to heal, rebuild, and regain a sense of control over their lives.
The Essence of Onbaitori
The essence of Onbaitori is captured in the symbolism of four trees—the cherry, plum, peach, and apricot—each of which blooms at a different time in spring. Despite their differences in timing, every tree flourishes beautifully in its own way. Similarly, scam victims must understand that their recovery timeline is unique. Some may quickly find stability, regaining financial security and emotional balance, while others may take years to rebuild trust, confidence, and self-worth. There is no “correct” speed for healing, and expecting oneself to recover at the same rate as others can create unnecessary frustration and self-doubt. Just as the trees bloom without competing, scam victims should not measure their progress against that of others but rather focus on their own growth, no matter how gradual it may be.
Following the Yellow Brick Road
As one follows the Yellow Brick Road of recovery, there are inevitable roadblocks—fear of financial instability, social embarrassment, and the lingering pain of betrayal. In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy does not reach the Emerald City alone; she is accompanied by the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion, each with their own struggles and strengths. Similarly, scam victims do not need to travel alone. By embracing the spirit of Onbaitori, they can recognize that every survivor’s journey is distinct, yet all are moving forward in their own way. Some may need legal support to recover lost funds, while others may require emotional counseling to process trauma. Some may focus on rebuilding financial stability, while others may need to restore trust in relationships. No two paths look exactly alike, but each step taken is a victory.
Moving On
The societal expectation to “move on” quickly after a traumatic financial loss can be damaging. Onbaitori teaches that patience with oneself is not only acceptable but necessary. Healing takes time, just as trees take time to bloom. There is no shame in feeling lost, making mistakes along the way, or taking longer than expected to regain confidence. Scam victims must resist the temptation to dwell on “I should have known better” or “Others recovered faster than me” and instead embrace the truth that growth is a personal process, not a race.
The Power is Within You
Just as Dorothy eventually discovers that she had the power within her all along, scam victims will find that recovery is not about reaching a single destination, but about realizing their own inner resilience, wisdom, and ability to rebuild. The journey may be long and winding, but by embracing the philosophy of Onbaitori, survivors can walk their own Yellow Brick Road without self-judgment, knowing that their time to bloom will come—not in comparison to others, but in the season that is right for them.
Applying Onbaitori to Scam Recovery: A Step-by-Step Guide
Recovering from a scam is a deeply personal journey, and Onbaitori teaches that everyone heals at their own pace. Instead of feeling pressured to “move on” quickly or comparing their progress to others, scam victims can use this philosophy to embrace their individual recovery process with patience and self-acceptance. Here’s how to apply Onbaitori step by step to aid in recovery:
Step 1: Accept That Your Recovery Timeline is Unique
Overview
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- Remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to heal. Some victims regain stability quickly, while others may take months or years.
- Write down any expectations you have about how fast you “should” recover and then cross them out. Replace them with the affirmation:
- “I am healing at the pace that is right for me.”
- Avoid comparing yourself to others who may have recovered differently or faster. Just like the four trees in Onbaitori, each person blooms in their own time.
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In-Depth
One of the most important aspects of recovery is accepting that there is no set timeline for healing. Some scam victims may regain emotional and financial stability within months, while others may take years to feel fully secure again. The key is to release expectations about how long the process “should” take. Healing is as unique as the individual, and there is no right or wrong way to navigate the journey.
To reinforce this mindset, take a moment to write down any expectations you may have about your recovery, such as “I should feel better in six months” or “I should be financially stable again in a year.” Then, cross them out and replace them with the affirmation:
“I am healing at the pace that is right for me.”
Avoid comparing yourself to others, as every individual has different emotional and financial circumstances. Some may have strong support systems, while others may be facing recovery alone. Just like the four trees in Onbaitori, each person “blooms” in their own season. Instead of focusing on where you think you should be, focus on where you are right now, knowing that your time for renewal and strength will come naturally.
Step 2: Focus on Small, Personal Wins Instead of the Big Picture
Overview
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- Instead of measuring your progress by one big goal (e.g., “I will be fully healed in six months”), break it into small, achievable steps:
- Emotional recovery: Journaling about your feelings, attending a support group, or allowing yourself to grieve without guilt.
- Financial stability: Creating a small, manageable budget or saving even a little bit each month.
- Trust rebuilding: Engaging in safe, controlled social interactions without pressure to “get over” the fear of being deceived.
- Celebrate every small step forward. No progress is too small.
- Instead of measuring your progress by one big goal (e.g., “I will be fully healed in six months”), break it into small, achievable steps:
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In-Depth
When scam victims think about recovery, they often fixate on the big picture—”I want to be completely healed,” “I need to rebuild my finances,” or “I have to trust people again.” While these are important goals, they can feel overwhelming and unrealistic in the early stages of recovery. Instead of setting one massive goal, break the process into small, achievable steps that celebrate personal progress rather than a final destination.
Consider categorizing your recovery into three areas:
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- Emotional recovery: Take small, meaningful steps like journaling about your feelings, seeking support from friends or a counselor, or simply allowing yourself to grieve the loss without guilt.
- Financial stability: Focus on what you can do now, even if it’s as small as creating a basic budget, tracking spending, or saving a little each month. Small improvements add up over time.
- Trust rebuilding: If social connections feel difficult, take gradual steps—start by engaging in safe, low-risk interactions, such as talking with close friends or joining a support group. There is no need to force trust back into your life too soon.
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Celebrate every small win—whether it’s a day where you don’t feel as anxious, a tiny step toward financial recovery, or simply waking up feeling a little more hopeful. Healing is not one giant leap; it’s a collection of small victories that build up over time.
Step 3: Avoid Self-Blame and Negative Comparisons
Overview
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- Replace self-critical thoughts like “I should have known better” with compassionate reminders:
- “I was deceived because scammers are skilled manipulators, not because I was foolish.”
- “I am learning from this experience and growing stronger.”
- If you find yourself comparing your recovery to others, shift the focus inward:
- Ask yourself, “What is one thing I have learned from this experience?”
- Acknowledge that your lessons and strengths are unique to your journey.
- Replace self-critical thoughts like “I should have known better” with compassionate reminders:
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In-Depth
One of the biggest emotional barriers for scam victims is self-blame. Many feel foolish for being deceived and replay the events over and over, thinking, “I should have known better.” However, scammers are highly skilled manipulators, and their deception is not a reflection of a victim’s intelligence or worth.
To shift away from self-criticism, replace negative thoughts with self-compassionate reminders:
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- “I was deceived because scammers are skilled manipulators, not because I was foolish.”
- “I am learning from this experience and growing stronger.”
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Another common struggle is comparing your recovery to others. If you notice yourself thinking, “Why did they bounce back faster than me?”, shift the focus inward:
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- Ask yourself, “What is one thing I have learned from this experience?”
- Acknowledge that your growth and lessons are unique—just because someone else appears to be moving forward more quickly does not mean your progress is any less valid.
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By practicing self-kindness and avoiding harmful comparisons, scam victims can free themselves from unnecessary guilt and focus on what truly matters—their own journey forward.
Step 4: Create a Healing Environment that Honors Your Pace
Overview
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- Surround yourself with supportive people who respect your healing process. If someone tells you to “just move on,” recognize that they may not understand your experience.
- Build a safe recovery space by engaging in activities that bring comfort, such as reading, meditating, or spending time in nature.
- Limit exposure to news or social media stories that trigger anxiety about scams.
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In-Depth
Recovery is not just about financial and emotional healing—it’s also about creating a safe space that nurtures and supports your well-being. Surround yourself with people who respect your healing process. If someone tells you to “just move on” or “get over it,” recognize that they may not understand your experience. It is okay to distance yourself from those who dismiss your feelings and instead seek out those who offer empathy and support.
Your environment also plays a key role in how you feel day to day. Engage in activities that bring comfort and peace, such as:
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- Spending time in nature, taking walks, or gardening.
- Practicing mindfulness through meditation or gentle exercise.
- Reading, journaling, or engaging in creative hobbies.
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Additionally, be mindful of what you consume—limit exposure to news or social media stories about scams if they trigger anxiety or feelings of hopelessness. Recovery is about protecting your mental and emotional state, so be intentional about what you allow into your space.
Step 5: Trust in Your Future Growth and Healing
Overview
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- Remind yourself that just because you feel lost now does not mean you always will. Healing is like the changing seasons—your time to bloom will come.
- Keep a progress journal where you note even the smallest improvements in your emotional or financial well-being. Looking back on your progress can reinforce confidence in your growth.
- Recognize that setbacks are part of the journey. Just as trees withstand harsh winters before blooming, difficult moments do not erase your progress—they are simply part of your personal cycle of growth.
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In-Depth
It’s easy to feel stuck in the aftermath of a scam, but just because you feel lost now does not mean you always will. Healing is a process, and like the seasons, your time to bloom will come. Even if today feels difficult, it is not permanent—growth is happening, even if it’s not immediately visible.
A great way to reinforce this idea is to keep a progress journal. Write down small victories, even if they seem insignificant at the moment. Looking back at past entries will show you that you are moving forward, even on the days when it feels like you’re not.
Also, recognize that setbacks are part of the journey. Just as trees endure harsh winters before blooming in the spring, difficult moments do not erase progress—they are simply part of the cycle of healing. If you experience a day of anxiety, fear, or regret, remind yourself:
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- “This is a temporary setback, not a permanent failure.”
- “I have already overcome challenges, and I will continue to grow.”
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By trusting in your own timeline and recognizing that healing happens in cycles, you can allow yourself the grace to grow without pressure.
By following these steps, scam victims can embrace their own unique healing process without guilt, pressure, or comparison. Onbaitori teaches patience, self-acceptance, and the understanding that everyone heals in their own time—just as every tree blooms when it is ready.
Conclusion
Recovering from a scam can feel overwhelming, but by applying the philosophy of Onbaitori, scam victims can embrace a self-compassionate, personalized recovery process without comparing themselves to others. Healing is not a race, and everyone progresses at their own pace.
Onbaitori teaches patience, self-acceptance, and resilience. Healing does not happen all at once—it happens through small steps, personal wins, and gradual rebuilding. By embracing your unique journey, avoiding comparisons, and creating a supportive environment, you can navigate recovery at a pace that feels right for you.
Just like the four trees in Onbaitori, you will bloom when the time is right—not when others expect it, but in the season that is meant for you. 🌸
Reference
The concept of Onbaitori (四鳥揃, おんばいとり) originates from Japanese nature symbolism and cultural philosophy, emphasizing patience, individuality, and natural growth. It is not a historical or religious doctrine, but rather a metaphor drawn from seasonal changes in nature, particularly in how different trees bloom at their own pace.
Nature-Based Origin
Onbaitori comes from the observation of four distinct trees—cherry (sakura), plum (ume), peach (momo), and apricot (anzu)—which all bloom in spring, but at different times. Despite their differences in blooming periods, each tree blossoms beautifully in its own way, without competing or rushing. This natural process became a symbol for personal growth, patience, and self-acceptance, teaching that everyone has their own timeline for success and development.
Connection to Japanese Cultural and Philosophical Traditions
Zen Buddhism & Wabi-Sabi: The idea aligns with Japanese Zen philosophy, which values acceptance of natural cycles, impermanence, and self-discovery. It also reflects Wabi-Sabi, a Japanese aesthetic principle that finds beauty in imperfection and natural growth.
Shinto & Nature Worship: Japan’s Shinto traditions emphasize a deep connection between humans and nature. Many Japanese proverbs and life lessons are drawn from seasonal changes, plants, and animals, reinforcing the idea that human life mirrors nature’s rhythms.
Education and Social Harmony: In Japan, Onbaitori is often taught as a lesson in schools, workplaces, and personal development contexts to encourage self-acceptance and reduce unnecessary competition.
Modern Use in Personal Growth & Mental Health
Today, Onbaitori is widely used in Japanese self-improvement, mental wellness, and personal development teachings. It serves as a reminder to embrace one’s own journey without comparison to others, making it a valuable philosophy for people recovering from setbacks, whether personal, financial, or emotional.
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Important Information for New Scam Victims
- Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
- SCARS Institute now offers a free recovery program at www.SCARSeducation.org
- Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery
If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org
If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
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At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.
Statement About Victim Blaming
Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.
These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.
Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org
SCARS Resources:
- Getting Started: ScamVictimsSupport.org
- FREE enrollment in the SCARS Institute training programs for scam victims SCARSeducation.org
- For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
- Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
- Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
- Find competent trauma counselors or therapists, visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
- Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
- Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
- Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
- Learn more about the Psychology of Scams and Scam Victims: ScamPsychology.org
- Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
- Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
- Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)
Psychology Disclaimer:
All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only
The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.
Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.
While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.
Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.
If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.
Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here
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After realizing it was a scam, I felt so guilty and compared myself to others, both victims who had fallen for more sophisticated or threatening scams. Also, I compared myself to non-victims and anyone I saw in the street. I felt so small, guilty, and ashamed. When I learned I should not compare myself to others, I felt like I was being released from a huge load I had been carrying for my entire life. Not just in the context of scams, we should not compare ourselves, our achievements, and our progress to others. Every individual has abilities, capabilities, personalities, experiences, and even traumas that make their journey unique.