In Lying Lies Psychological Conflict for Those Who Have Been the Victim of Betrayal

A Look at Lying and the Challenges it Creates for Scam Victims

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Intended Audience: Scam Victims-Survivors / Family & Friends

Authors:
•  Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

About This Article

If you’ve been the victim of a scam, you may find yourself lying afterward—not to harm others, but to protect yourself from shame, judgment, or emotional pain. These lies often arise as survival strategies rooted in betrayal trauma, where the original harm disrupted your sense of trust and identity. While lying may offer short-term relief, it tends to create long-term damage. It can isolate you from others, increase your internal distress, and reinforce the very wounds the scam created. Over time, lying may feel like self-betrayal, especially if it goes against your values. This internal conflict can lead to guilt, anxiety, and a breakdown in self-trust. But there is a way forward.

By recognizing the connection between trauma and dishonesty, you can begin to make different choices. Honesty—first with yourself, then with others—becomes a critical step toward healing. Truth helps you realign with who you want to be, rebuilds your internal coherence, and restores your ability to connect with others from a place of integrity. You don’t have to carry the weight of someone else’s deception by continuing to deceive yourself. Recovery begins with the courage to tell the truth, even in small ways.

A Look at Lying and the Challenges it Creates for Those Who have been Victimized by Scams

PART 1 – LYING AND SCAM VICTIMS

When Lying Becomes Your New Normal

If you’ve been the victim of a scam, you might find yourself lying afterward for reasons that are more emotional than logical. These lies don’t come from a place of malice—they often come from shame, fear of judgment, or a deep need to feel in control again. Scams involve emotional manipulation and betrayal. They leave you feeling exposed, humiliated, or even foolish. Rather than risk the reactions you fear from others—ridicule, blame, or dismissal—you might choose to hide the truth, bend it, or avoid it altogether. Lying, in this context, can feel like a shield—something that helps you manage what others think, while also helping you manage your own internal storyline. Telling the full truth might feel like reopening a painful wound, or confirming your worst fears about yourself.

Sometimes, the lies are small and subtle. You might downplay how much money you lost, avoid talking about the emotional side of the relationship, or change the timeline so you don’t look so vulnerable. You might tell someone the money went elsewhere or pretend you never spoke to the scammer at all. Again, these aren’t deliberate deceptions meant to harm—they’re protective reflexes. They give you a way to delay shame and preserve your fragile sense of self. But over time, these lies can complicate things. They can deepen the emotional damage and make it harder to heal. The distance between your real experience and what you share with others grows wider, and that disconnect can isolate you. It can also prevent you from getting the support you need.

If you find yourself stuck in this cycle, the starting point is recognizing that your urge to lie may be tied to much deeper harm. The pain of being scammed isn’t just about money—it affects your identity, your ability to trust, and your inner sense of what’s right. Rebuilding begins with telling the truth. And not just to others—to yourself. Being honest is how you restore inner clarity and create a feeling of safety again.

About Lying

When you’re living with unresolved trauma—especially trauma rooted in betrayal—your mind becomes finely tuned to anything that resembles the hurt you experienced. Betrayal trauma happens when someone you trusted misled, manipulated, or abandoned you. That kind of pain doesn’t just go away. It reshapes your nervous system and the way you see yourself.

If you end up lying to others after that kind of trauma, especially in ways that go against your own values, your mind may register it as another betrayal—but this time, it’s you betraying yourself. It may not hit you all at once. You might not realize it consciously. But your body and mind may respond with tension, anxiety, guilt, or shame. The deeper part of your brain doesn’t always distinguish between being lied to and telling the lie. Both are violations of trust. In this case, it’s not about trust in someone else—it’s about trust in you.

As time goes on, lying—especially when it clashes with who you want to be—can deepen feelings of alienation or hopelessness. You may start to believe that you really are broken, or that you can’t be trusted. A common belief among survivors of betrayal trauma is: “I can’t trust anyone—not even myself.” That loss of self-trust can be one of the most painful outcomes, and it makes recovery more difficult. The good news is that being honest, even when it feels risky, can start to reverse that damage. Vulnerable honesty allows you to reconnect with yourself, step by step.

The Lying Habit

For some people, especially those with deeper trauma histories, lying becomes more than an occasional habit—it turns into a protective reflex. What some call “pathological lying” is often just a survival pattern that developed in the aftermath of trauma. If you’ve been betrayed, manipulated, or emotionally invalidated, your system might start using dishonesty as a defense mechanism. It’s not necessarily a decision you make in the moment. It can become automatic—something your brain does to protect you.

Lying as a survival strategy

If your trauma came from early life or from repeated betrayal, lying might have originally helped you avoid punishment, shame, or rejection. You may have used it to create emotional safety in an unsafe or unpredictable environment. Over time, that survival tactic can become your default—even if you no longer need it. You might lie just to keep the peace or to avoid feeling exposed.

Lying to manage identity and shame

When trauma shakes your sense of self, you may start to believe you’re unworthy or damaged. If you’ve internalized shame, you might lie to present a version of yourself you think others will accept. You’re not trying to deceive in a harmful way—you’re trying to protect the part of you that still feels fragile or unsafe. This is especially common for betrayal trauma survivors who worry that if people saw their true self, they wouldn’t be loved or respected.

Dissociation and lying without awareness

In some situations, especially under stress, you might not even be fully aware that you’re lying. Dissociation—a common trauma response—can disconnect your awareness from your experiences. You might misremember details or give conflicting accounts, not because you’re trying to manipulate, but because your mind is in survival mode. The truth can feel blurry when your internal system is fragmented.

Preemptive self-betrayal

You may also lie as a way to “get there first”—to betray yourself before anyone else does. This is a form of emotional armor. If trust feels unsafe, then lying becomes a way to stay in control. But even though it may seem protective in the moment, it usually reinforces deeper shame and leads to feeling even more alone.

To be clear, not everyone who lies compulsively has trauma. But if your lying patterns are tied to trauma—especially betrayal trauma—it’s important to understand that this isn’t a character flaw. It’s a defense that once served a purpose. That doesn’t make the behavior healthy, but it does mean that healing is possible with the right approach. Compassion, not judgment, helps you move forward. Recovery begins by creating enough safety to start telling the truth—to yourself first, and eventually to others.

The Conflict Lying Creates

If you’ve been betrayed in the past and you find yourself lying now—especially in ways that don’t align with your values—it’s likely that an internal conflict will follow. When you’ve been hurt by deception, manipulation, or abandonment, your system becomes hypersensitive to anything that resembles those experiences. So when you lie, even as a form of self-protection, it can stir up the same pain you felt when others betrayed you.

Your brain may read the act of lying as you becoming the betrayer. This can lead to a kind of psychological dissonance: a split between the person you want to be and the behavior you feel compelled to repeat. You might feel guilty or ashamed afterward. Even if the lie worked and protected you from immediate harm, it may leave you feeling anxious or unsettled. You may ask yourself, “Why did I do that?” or “What does this say about me?” You might feel emotionally numb, or find yourself withdrawing from people who care about you.

If you’ve had thoughts like, “I hated being betrayed—so why am I doing the same thing?” you’re not alone. That question points to a deeper struggle. You’re trying to protect yourself from pain while also trying not to cause it. But lying doesn’t resolve that tension—it prolongs it. The longer it continues, the more isolated and disconnected you may feel. And the more distant you become from your own sense of integrity.

Healing requires you to look at both parts: the trauma that made you feel unsafe, and the defense mechanisms you developed to survive. With support, you can build self-awareness, practice safer ways to be vulnerable, and start living in alignment with your values again. You don’t have to be perfect—but you do have to be honest with yourself if you want to feel whole again.

PART 2 – JORDAN B. PETERSON’S PERSPECTIVE

The Truth About Lying: Jordan B. Peterson’s Perspective for Your Life

You’ve likely told a lie at some point in your life—perhaps a small one to spare someone’s feelings, or a bigger one to avoid a difficult conversation. But have you ever stopped to think about what lying does to you, not just morally, but practically? Jordan B. Peterson, a Canadian psychologist, professor, and author, has thought deeply about this question. Known for his insights on personal responsibility and meaning, Peterson argues that lying is more than a simple ethical lapse—it’s a destructive force that can unravel your life, your relationships, and your ability to face challenges. Let’s explore Peterson’s views on lying, why he sees it as so harmful, and how you can follow his recommendations to embrace truth, especially if you’re navigating the aftermath of something as painful as a scam.

Why Lying Is a Problem in Peterson’s Eyes

Peterson views lying as a betrayal of the very foundation you rely on to navigate the world. In his book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, he dedicates an entire chapter to this principle: “Tell the truth—or, at least, don’t lie.” For you, this might seem like a straightforward rule, but Peterson unpacks it with profound insight. He believes that when you lie, you distort the internal structure you use to make sense of reality. “If you lie, to yourself or to other people, then you corrupt the structure that you use to interact with being,” he explains in a lecture on the necessity of virtue. This structure, he says, is your intuition—the mental compass that guides your decisions, helps you assess risks, and keeps you grounded. When you lie, you feed that compass false information, throwing it off course and leading you down a path that’s misaligned with reality.

Imagine you’re at a job interview and you exaggerate your qualifications to impress the hiring manager. It might get you the job, but Peterson would argue that this small lie sets a dangerous precedent. You’ve now created a version of yourself that isn’t real, and you’ll have to keep lying to maintain that facade—whether it’s pretending you know a skill you don’t or covering up mistakes you’re afraid to admit. Over time, these lies pile up, and you start to lose track of what’s true. “You can’t twist the fabric of reality without it snapping back on you,” Peterson warns in a discussion on honesty. For you, this means that even a small lie can create a ripple effect, making it harder to trust your own judgment and leaving you vulnerable when life gets tough.

Peterson also emphasizes the long-term consequences of lying on your character. “If you act out a lie, you weaken your character. If you have a weak character, then adversity will mow you down when it appears, as it will inevitably,” he writes in 12 Rules for Life. This is especially relevant if you’re a scam victim, already dealing with the emotional and financial fallout of betrayal. You might be tempted to lie to yourself—saying you’re fine when you’re not—or to others, hiding your experience out of shame. But Peterson would caution that each lie chips away at your resilience. When bigger challenges come—like rebuilding your finances or trust in others—you’ll need a strong character to face them. Lying, even in small ways, undermines that strength, leaving you less equipped to handle life’s inevitable storms.

The Deeper Dangers of Lying

Peterson doesn’t just focus on the personal toll of lying—he also explores its broader impact on relationships and society. He argues that even small lies can erode trust in ways that extend far beyond the immediate moment. “If you lie to someone, you’re not just lying to them—you’re also contributing to a culture where lying becomes the norm,” he says in a lecture on the psychological significance of truth. For you, this might look like a white lie to a friend—say, telling them you’re too busy to meet up when you’re just avoiding a tough conversation. That lie might seem harmless, but it plants a seed of mistrust. Your friend might sense the dishonesty, even if they don’t call you out, and over time, they’ll be less likely to rely on you. Multiply that across many interactions, and you’re helping create a world where no one trusts anyone—a world where scams thrive.

Peterson also warns about the dangers of lying to yourself, which he sees as one of the most insidious forms of dishonesty. “When you have something to say, silence is a lie,” he writes in 12 Rules for Life. If you’re avoiding speaking up—maybe not confronting a family member who’s taking advantage of you—you’re not just sparing their feelings; you’re lying by omission. This makes you feel weak because you’re not living authentically. You might tell yourself everything’s okay, but deep down, you know it’s not. “You can’t get away with anything, because you’re always watching,” Peterson notes in a lecture on self-awareness. For you, this self-deception could mean ignoring red flags in a relationship or a financial deal, only to find yourself deeper in trouble later—like falling for a scam because you didn’t trust your gut.

He also draws a historical parallel to illustrate the power of lies on a larger scale. In his discussions of totalitarianism, Peterson often references the concept of the “big lie”—a falsehood so audacious that people can’t believe it’s fabricated. “A lie that’s big enough can be more believable than the truth, because people can’t imagine someone would dare to make it up,” he says in a lecture on the psychology of evil. You might not be spinning lies on that scale, but the principle applies to your life. If you lie about your abilities at work, for example, you might convince others—and even yourself—that you’re more competent than you are. When reality catches up, the fallout can be devastating, leaving you feeling like a fraud and damaging your relationships with colleagues who relied on you.

Peterson also connects lying to a loss of personal power. “If you’re not truthful, you’re weak, because you’re afraid of the consequences of the truth,” he states in a lecture on personal development. For you, this might resonate if you’ve ever lied to avoid conflict—like telling a partner you’re fine with their behavior when you’re not. That lie might keep the peace temporarily, but it leaves you feeling powerless because you’re not standing up for yourself. Over time, this erodes your self-respect, making it harder to assert your needs in other areas of life.

Peterson’s Recommendations: Choosing Truth Over Lies

So, how can you avoid the pitfalls of lying and build a life grounded in truth? Peterson’s advice is both simple and challenging: always tell the truth, or at the very least, don’t lie. This isn’t just about avoiding outright falsehoods—it’s about living authentically in every aspect of your life. “If you’re honest, which is painful, you see that a lot of the things that you say aren’t real,” he says in a lecture on the importance of self-reflection. For you, this means taking a hard look at your words and actions. Are you saying what you mean, or are you hiding behind half-truths to avoid discomfort? Maybe you’re telling a friend you’re over a scam’s impact when you’re still struggling, or pretending you’re confident at work when you’re not. Peterson would urge you to stop and ask: Is this true?

One of Peterson’s key recommendations is to listen to your internal signals. “If you pay attention to what you do and say, you can learn to feel a state of internal division and weakness when you are misbehaving and misspeaking,” he writes in 12 Rules for Life. You might notice a sinking feeling in your stomach when you’re not being truthful—like when you stretch the truth to impress someone or avoid admitting a mistake. That feeling is your intuition telling you something’s off. By tuning into it, you can catch yourself in the act of lying and choose a different path. It’s not easy, especially if you’re used to smoothing things over with small lies, but Peterson believes it’s worth the effort. “You can’t be a good person if you’re not truthful, because you’re not aiming at the good,” he says in a lecture on morality.

Peterson also encourages you to set ambitions that align with character development, not external validation. “Set your ambitions, even if you are uncertain about what they should be. The better ambitions have to do with the development of character and ability, rather than status and power,” he advises in 12 Rules for Life. For you, this might mean focusing on being a more honest friend, partner, or colleague, rather than chasing approval through deception. If you’re a scam victim, this could look like being upfront about your experience, even if it’s embarrassing, so you can seek real help instead of pretending everything’s fine. By prioritizing character over image, you build a foundation that can withstand life’s challenges.

Another practical step Peterson suggests is to practice speaking up, even when it’s uncomfortable. “Say what you mean, so that you can find out what you mean. Act out what you say, so you can find out what happens,” he writes in 12 Rules for Life. For you, this might mean having a tough conversation with someone who’s hurt you, rather than bottling it up. It could also mean admitting when you don’t know something at work, instead of faking expertise. These acts of honesty might feel risky, but they help you align your actions with reality, making you stronger in the long run.

Finally, Peterson urges you to face the pain of honesty head-on. Telling the truth can be hard—maybe you’ll upset someone, or reveal a flaw—but he believes it’s the best path. “Whatever happens to you when you tell the truth, is the best thing that could happen to you,” he says in a lecture on the benefits of authenticity. You might face consequences, like a friend’s disappointment or a boss’s critique, but those consequences will be real, not built on a shaky foundation of lies. Over time, this builds trust in yourself and others, giving you the strength to handle whatever life throws your way.

Truth as a Path to Resilience

Peterson’s views on lying aren’t just about ethics—they’re about survival. He sees truth as the bedrock of a meaningful, resilient life, especially when you’re dealing with adversity like the aftermath of a scam. By choosing honesty, you strengthen your character, sharpen your intuition, and create a ripple effect of trust in your relationships. It’s a challenging road, but one that leads to a more authentic, capable version of you. Whether you’re rebuilding after a scam or simply trying to live better, Peterson’s advice offers a clear guide: speak the truth, live the truth, and let the rest fall into place.

Building a Life of Truth with Peterson’s Guidance

You’ve explored Jordan B. Peterson’s deep insights on lying, learning that he views it as a destructive force that corrupts your intuition, weakens your character, and erodes trust in both yourself and your relationships. “If you lie, to yourself or to other people, then you corrupt the structure that you use to interact with being,” he warns, showing how lies distort the way you navigate reality. For you, this means even small lies—like avoiding conflict or exaggerating a story—can lead to bigger problems, especially if you’re already dealing with the fallout of a scam. Peterson’s recommendations are clear: always tell the truth, or at least don’t lie, because “whatever happens to you when you tell the truth, is the best thing that could happen to you.” He advises you to listen to your internal signals of dishonesty, set ambitions focused on character, practice speaking up, and face the pain of honesty head-on. By doing so, you build resilience, trust, and authenticity, which are crucial for overcoming life’s challenges. Peterson’s approach isn’t easy, but it offers you a solid foundation to live a life aligned with truth, no matter the circumstances.

PART 3 – CONCLUSION

Why Honesty Matters After a Scam

If you’ve found yourself lying in the aftermath of a scam, it doesn’t mean you’re broken or beyond help. It means you’ve been hurt—likely in ways that reached deeper than you realized. You may have lied to protect yourself from embarrassment, from judgment, or from having to relive the emotional pain. You may have told half-truths to avoid disappointing others or to maintain a sense of control. In the moment, these lies might have felt like small, reasonable ways to cope. But as you’ve seen, the habit of lying—especially when rooted in betrayal trauma—tends to grow in complexity. It creates distance between you and the people who care about you. More importantly, it creates distance between you and yourself.

Over time, lying chips away at your internal stability. It weakens your trust in your own perception, your own values, and your ability to live authentically. If you’ve ever felt the sting of betrayal, you know how damaging lies can be. So when you catch yourself lying, even for self-protection, your mind often recognizes the familiar pain—and this time, it’s coming from within. That’s not just uncomfortable; it’s destabilizing. But this recognition also means you’re aware. And that awareness gives you something powerful: the opportunity to choose differently.

You don’t have to overhaul everything overnight. Healing doesn’t require perfection—it requires honesty. Starting with small, honest moments—admitting what happened to you, telling someone how you really feel, or simply acknowledging a lie you told yourself—is often enough to shift the direction of your recovery. When you choose truth, even when it’s hard, you begin to close the gap between your values and your actions. That’s how you start rebuilding trust in yourself. That’s how you reclaim your voice. And that’s how you begin to move forward with integrity, no longer trapped in the patterns left behind by someone else’s deception. The scam hurt you—but lying doesn’t have to be part of the aftermath. Truth can be your path back to yourself.

A Statement About Dr. Jordan B. Peterson

We look to the insights of psychologist Jordan B. Peterson as often as we do because he offers a grounded, practical approach to navigating psychological suffering, especially in the aftermath of personal chaos and betrayal. His work emphasizes personal responsibility, truthful speech, and character development—core principles that are highly relevant to those recovering from scams. Scam victims often struggle with shame, identity confusion, and a loss of internal structure, all of which Peterson addresses directly in his writing and lectures.

He challenges individuals to confront painful truths rather than hide behind deception or avoidance, offering a clear framework for regaining self-respect and inner stability. For traumatized scam victims, Peterson’s message can serve as a guiding path—one that encourages honesty as a foundation for healing, urges alignment between values and actions, and ultimately supports the rebuilding of a life grounded in meaning rather than fear.

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Important Information for New Scam Victims

• Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
• SCARS Institute now offers a free recovery program at www.SCARSeducation.org
• Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery

If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org

If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

A Question of Trust

At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.

Statement About Victim Blaming

Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.

These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.

Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org

SCARS Resources:

• Getting Started: ScamVictimsSupport.org
• FREE enrollment in the SCARS Institute training programs for scam victims SCARSeducation.org
• For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
• Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
• Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
• Find competent trauma counselors or therapists, visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
• Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
• Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
• Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
• Learn more about the Psychology of Scams and Scam Victims: ScamPsychology.org
• Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
• Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
• Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)

Psychology Disclaimer:

All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only

The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.

Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.

While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.

Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.

If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.

Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here

If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.

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