The Three Rules of Change for Scam Victims in Recovery

The Three Rules of Change: How Scam Victims Can Stay Committed to Recovery – An Interpretation of Mel Robbins’ Three Rules of Change

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Intended Audience: Scam Victims-Survivors / Family & Friends

Authors:
•  Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Portions based on interpretations of the works of Mel Robbins

About This Article

Recovering from a scam is a difficult and deeply personal journey, requiring emotional resilience, self-awareness, and a commitment to change. Mel Robbins’ three rules of change provide a valuable framework for scam victims to rebuild their lives and regain confidence.

The first rule, acknowledge your dissatisfaction, emphasizes the importance of facing the emotional and financial consequences of being scammed rather than denying or minimizing the impact. This acknowledgment serves as a starting point for recovery, allowing victims to process their emotions and take action.

The second rule, demand more from yourself and others, encourages victims to set higher expectations for their recovery, establish boundaries, and surround themselves with supportive people who respect their healing process. It reinforces the idea that healing requires active participation and self-advocacy.

The third rule, accept that change is hard, prepares victims for the inevitable challenges and setbacks they will face. True recovery does not happen overnight, and expecting difficulties allows victims to persist through discomfort rather than feeling discouraged. By applying these principles, scam victims can take practical steps to assess their emotional and financial state, set small, achievable goals, hold themselves accountable, seek support, and practice patience.

Healing from a scam is not just about reclaiming financial stability—it is about rebuilding trust in oneself and creating a future free from self-doubt and fear. Through commitment and resilience, victims can emerge stronger, more self-aware, and more empowered to move forward.

The Three Rules of Change: How Scam Victims Can Stay Committed to Recovery

An Interpretation of Mel Robbins’ Three Rules of Change

Recovering from a scam is one of the most difficult challenges you may face. The emotional and financial damage can feel overwhelming, leaving you with feelings of shame, anger, and self-doubt. In the aftermath, you might struggle to regain control of your life, trust yourself again, and move forward with confidence. Change is necessary for recovery, but committing to that change requires a shift in mindset.

Mel Robbins, a well-known motivational speaker and author, outlines three fundamental rules that every person must accept before they can change. These principles are not just about personal development; they are critical for scam victims who need to rebuild their lives. If you accept these three rules, you will create the foundation for lasting recovery, resilience, and self-trust.

Mel Robbins’ Three Rules of Change – The Basics

Mel Robbins, a renowned motivational speaker and author, emphasizes three fundamental truths that individuals must accept to initiate personal change:​

1. Acknowledge Your Dissatisfaction

​”You have to be dissatisfied with where you are.” ​

Recognizing and admitting your dissatisfaction with your current situation is the first step toward transformation. This acknowledgment serves as a catalyst, motivating you to seek improvement and growth.​

2. Demand More from Yourself and Others

​”You have to be brave enough to admit and declare and demand more of yourself and of everybody around you.” ​
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Embracing courage to set higher expectations for yourself and those around you is crucial. This involves stepping out of your comfort zone and striving for excellence in various aspects of life.​

3. Accept That Change is Challenging

​”You have to accept that it’s going to be hard.” ​

Understanding that the path to change is often difficult prepares you to face obstacles with resilience. This acceptance enables you to persist through challenges and remain committed to your goals.​

By internalizing these three truths, you can create a solid foundation for meaningful and lasting personal change.​

For Scam Victim-Survivors: Accept Your Dissatisfaction

“You have to be dissatisfied with where you are.” – Mel Robbins

One of the most difficult realizations after being scammed is recognizing just how much the experience has impacted you. You may feel like your life has been shattered, but instead of allowing that pain to consume you, use it as motivation to change. Dissatisfaction is the starting point of transformation.

Denial is a common response to trauma. Many scam victims try to minimize what happened or convince themselves that they can simply move on without fully processing their emotions. But refusing to acknowledge the reality of your situation keeps you stuck. You need to accept that you are dissatisfied with where you are—emotionally, financially, and mentally—before you can begin to take action.

Instead of ignoring your feelings, confront them. If you feel angry, betrayed, or broken, allow yourself to sit with those emotions. Write them down. Speak to a trusted friend or a professional. Recognizing and accepting your dissatisfaction is not about dwelling on the past but about creating a clear starting point for your recovery.

For Scam Victim-Survivors: Demand More From Yourself and Others

“You have to be brave enough to admit and declare and demand more of yourself and of everybody around you.” – Mel Robbins

After a scam, your confidence may be shattered. You might blame yourself for being deceived or feel unworthy of trusting others again. This mindset keeps you trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and fear. But to move forward, you must demand more—not just from yourself, but also from the people around you.

Demanding more from yourself means committing to your recovery. This might mean taking practical steps such as creating a financial plan, setting boundaries to protect yourself from future scams, or seeking professional help to process your emotions. You cannot afford to remain passive in your healing. Change requires action. If you expect your situation to improve without effort, you will only continue to feel stuck.

At the same time, you must demand more from the people around you. Surround yourself with those who uplift and support you rather than those who make you feel worse. If friends or family dismiss your pain, minimize your experience, or make you feel ashamed, recognize that you have the right to distance yourself. You deserve to be around people who respect your journey and want to see you recover.

Demanding more also means setting new standards for how you allow yourself to be treated. Many scam victims struggle with trust issues after being deceived. They fear making the same mistake again, which can lead to isolation. But rather than shutting people out, use this experience to strengthen your ability to recognize red flags and establish clear boundaries.

For Scam Victim-Survivors: Accept That Change is Hard

“You have to accept that it’s going to be hard.” – Mel Robbins

Healing from a scam is not easy. It requires time, effort, and a willingness to endure discomfort. Many scam victims want to recover quickly and forget what happened, but true healing does not happen overnight. You will face setbacks, difficult emotions, and moments of doubt. The key is to accept that the process will be challenging and commit to pushing through.

One of the biggest obstacles to change is resistance. You might resist confronting painful emotions, making financial adjustments, or rebuilding your confidence. You might feel exhausted and want to give up. But if you expect recovery to be difficult, you can prepare yourself for those moments.

Create a plan for how you will handle challenges. When you feel overwhelmed, what will you do? Who can you turn to for support? How will you remind yourself that healing is possible?

Recovery is not about avoiding pain; it is about learning how to move through it. Just like rebuilding financial stability takes time and effort, regaining your emotional well-being requires patience and persistence.

For Scam Victim-Survivors: Applying These Rules to Scam Recovery

If you accept these three fundamental truths, you will be better equipped to stay committed to your recovery. Applying these principles in a practical way can help you regain control over your emotions, rebuild your financial stability, and restore your self-confidence. Change requires action, and by implementing these strategies in your daily life, you create a solid foundation for long-term healing.

Here’s how you can apply them in your daily life:

Take an honest assessment of your emotional and financial state

What aspects of your life have been impacted by the scam? What do you want to change?

One of the first and most important steps in recovery is taking an honest look at where you are emotionally and financially. Many scam victims avoid facing the full extent of the damage because it is painful to acknowledge. However, denial only delays progress. Sit down with yourself and evaluate how the scam has affected you. Ask yourself, How do I feel about what happened? What emotions am I struggling with? How has this impacted my financial situation?

Write down your thoughts to give yourself clarity. If you lost money, take stock of what you have left and create a realistic financial picture. If your confidence or trust in others has been shaken, acknowledge it without judgment. You cannot begin to fix what you refuse to look at. This step is not about blaming yourself but about understanding what needs to be addressed so you can begin moving forward.

Set small, achievable goals

Focus on making steady progress rather than expecting immediate results.

The enormity of recovering from a scam can feel overwhelming. The emotional distress, financial consequences, and sense of betrayal may make it seem impossible to regain control. That is why it is crucial to break your recovery into small, manageable goals. Instead of focusing on the big picture—such as I need to be completely healed or I have to get all my money back—shift your focus to what you can do today.

If your finances were impacted, set a small goal such as tracking your expenses for a week, creating a simple budget, or saving a small amount each month. If you are struggling with trust issues, begin by re-establishing connections with people you feel safe with rather than trying to force yourself to trust everyone again immediately. If you feel emotionally stuck, commit to journaling, meditating, or attending a support group once a week.

Progress happens in increments. Each small step builds upon the last, and over time, these small actions lead to meaningful change. Celebrate your progress, no matter how minor it may seem. Every step forward—no matter how small—is proof that you are reclaiming your life.

Hold yourself accountable

Recovery is your responsibility, and no one else can do it for you.

Recovery is ultimately your responsibility. No one else can do it for you. While support from others is valuable, you are the one who has to take action. It is easy to fall into a pattern of waiting for someone else to fix things—whether it is hoping for legal action against the scammer, waiting for financial relief, or expecting time to heal your pain. But without intentional effort, progress will not happen.

Hold yourself accountable by setting clear commitments. Create a routine for your healing process, whether that means checking in on your financial plan, practicing self-care, or actively working to rebuild trust. If you struggle with motivation, find a way to track your progress. Keep a journal where you record what steps you have taken, or share your goals with a trusted friend who can check in on you.

At the same time, be compassionate with yourself. Accountability does not mean perfection. If you experience setbacks, acknowledge them, learn from them, and continue moving forward. Holding yourself accountable is about maintaining momentum, not punishing yourself for struggling.

Seek support from those who understand

Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends, surround yourself with people who encourage your growth.

The aftermath of a scam can feel isolating. Many victims withdraw because they fear judgment or believe no one will understand what they are going through. However, isolation can make recovery even more difficult. Seeking support from those who understand—whether through therapy, a support group, or trusted friends—can make a significant difference.

Therapists who specialize in trauma or financial loss can help you process your emotions in a structured and supportive way. Victim support groups provide a space where you can connect with others who have experienced similar situations, helping you realize that you are not alone. Even a single trusted friend who listens without judgment can be a valuable source of reassurance.

Be selective about whom you confide in. Not everyone will understand what you have been through, and some people may offer unhelpful advice or even blame you for what happened. Seek out those who offer empathy, validation, and encouragement rather than those who minimize your experience.

Be patient with yourself

Healing takes time, and setbacks are part of the process.

Healing is not linear. There will be good days when you feel strong and in control, and there will be difficult days when the weight of what happened feels overwhelming. That is normal. The important thing is to recognize that recovery takes time, and you do not have to rush the process.

Many scam victims feel frustrated with themselves for not “getting over it” quickly enough. They may compare their progress to others or feel pressured by well-meaning but uninformed advice like, You just have to move on. But true healing does not work that way. Accept that setbacks are part of the journey. When you have a difficult day, remind yourself that it does not erase the progress you have made.

Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, but do not let those feelings define you. Just as financial recovery takes time and discipline, emotional recovery requires patience and self-compassion. Trust that, with time and effort, you will rebuild your sense of self, regain confidence, and move forward stronger than before.

Conclusion

Recovering from a scam is not just about regaining lost money—it is about rebuilding yourself from the inside out. By applying these principles, you set the foundation for a committed and sustainable recovery.

First, take an honest look at where you are emotionally and financially. This self-awareness will help you identify what needs to change. Next, break your recovery into small, achievable steps, so you do not become overwhelmed. Hold yourself accountable for taking action, but also be kind to yourself when setbacks occur. Seek support from those who understand your experience, and be patient with yourself as you navigate the challenges of healing.

You did not choose to become a scam victim, but you can choose how you move forward. The fact that you are reading this and seeking ways to recover means you have already taken the first step. Stay committed, take action, and trust that healing is possible. Change is never easy, but by following these principles, you will move forward with strength, resilience, and confidence in your ability to rebuild.

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Important Information for New Scam Victims

• Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
• SCARS Institute now offers a free recovery program at www.SCARSeducation.org
• Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery

If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org

If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

A Question of Trust

At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.

Statement About Victim Blaming

Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.

These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.

Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org

SCARS Resources:

• Getting Started: ScamVictimsSupport.org
• FREE enrollment in the SCARS Institute training programs for scam victims SCARSeducation.org
• For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
• Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
• Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
• Find competent trauma counselors or therapists, visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
• Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
• Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
• Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
• Learn more about the Psychology of Scams and Scam Victims: ScamPsychology.org
• Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
• Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
• Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)

Psychology Disclaimer:

All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only

The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.

Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.

While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.

Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.

If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.

Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here

If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.

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