Communicating But Not Being Understood for Scam Victims

The Language of Pain: Why Scam Victims Struggle Communicating About Their Scam and Their Trauma

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Intended Audience: Scam Victims-Survivors / Family & Friends / General Public / Others

Authors:
•  Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

About This Article

The struggle scam victims face in communicating their experience stems from the inherent limitations of language and the lack of shared context with their listeners. Language is shaped by personal experience, and when someone has not lived through the psychological and emotional turmoil of being scammed, they often misunderstand or minimize what the victim is trying to express. Scam victims grapple with feelings of shame, guilt, self-blame, and betrayal, yet when they attempt to describe these emotions, their words may fail to capture the depth of their pain. Friends, family, and colleagues, though well-intentioned, often respond with logical solutions or reassurances rather than emotional validation, leaving victims feeling unheard or even further isolated.

The disconnect arises because listeners interpret words through their own experiences, failing to grasp the underlying trauma and loss of self-trust that scams inflict. Like grief, chronic illness, or PTSD, scam victimization is an experience that cannot be fully conveyed through simple language alone. To bridge this gap, active listening, open-ended questions, and emotional validation are essential. By acknowledging the limits of language and recognizing that scam victims need understanding rather than solutions, we can create an environment where they feel truly heard and supported in their healing journey.

The Language of Pain: Why Scam Victims Struggle Communicating About Their Scam and Their Trauma

Language is a powerful tool, yet it is inherently context-dependent—shaped by the experiences, emotions, and realities of those who use it. When a person becomes a victim of a scam, they experience profound psychological and emotional upheaval, often including shame, guilt, self-blame, anger, and trauma. Yet when they attempt to express these emotions to others, they frequently find themselves unable to truly communicate their pain. Their words seem inadequate, misunderstood, or even dismissed—not because their friends, family, or colleagues are necessarily judgmental, but because language itself fails them. This breakdown in communication occurs because the listener lacks the contextual experience necessary to fully grasp what the victim is trying to convey.

The Emotional Reality of Scam Victimization

To understand why scam victims struggle to communicate their pain, we must first acknowledge the emotional and psychological toll of their experience. Being scammed is not simply about financial loss—it is a deeply personal violation of trust and perception. Victims often feel:

• Shame – “How could I have fallen for this?”
• Guilt – “I should have known better.”
• Self-blame – “I let this happen to myself.”
• Betrayal – “Someone I trusted completely deceived me.”
• Fear – “If I could be tricked once, will it happen again?”
• Isolation – “No one understands what I’m going through.”

These emotions are intense and complex, making them difficult to put into words even for the victim. However, when victims attempt to describe their experience, they often find that the people they are speaking to lack the context to truly understand what they mean.

The Limits of Language in Describing Trauma

Language is fundamentally shaped by shared experiences. When two people have lived through similar events, they can communicate effortlessly because they both understand the emotional landscape of what is being described. But when one person has no direct experience of the other’s trauma, even the most carefully chosen words can fail to bridge the gap.

For example:

If a scam victim tells a friend: “I feel so stupid for believing them.”

A well-meaning friend might respond: “You’re not stupid! You’re just too trusting.”

While this is intended to be reassuring, the scam victim may still feel misunderstood. They are not merely describing a mistake in judgment—they are expressing a deep emotional wound, a breakdown in their sense of self-trust, and a crisis in their ability to navigate the world safely.

Similarly, if a victim says: “I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.”

A friend might reply: “But not everyone is bad—most people are good.”

Again, while this statement is factually true, it does not acknowledge the victim’s lived experience. Their ability to distinguish between trustworthy and deceptive individuals has been shattered, leaving them vulnerable, anxious, and disconnected.

This disconnect reinforces isolation—victims begin to feel that no one truly understands them, and over time, they may stop trying to explain their emotions altogether.

Why Scam Victims’ Words & Meanings Get Misinterpreted

There are several key reasons why scam victims struggle to be understood when they speak about their experiences:

Lack of Contextual Understanding – People who have never been scammed often underestimate the psychological depth of the experience. They see it as a financial mistake rather than a deeply emotional and psychological betrayal.

Lack of contextual understanding is one of the primary reasons scam victims struggle to communicate their experiences effectively. People who have never been scammed often perceive fraud purely as a financial loss, failing to grasp the deep emotional and psychological effects it carries. For many victims, being deceived is not just about losing money; it is about losing trust in their own judgment, questioning their intelligence, and feeling a profound sense of violation. Without having lived through a similar situation, others may struggle to understand why a scam feels like a personal attack rather than just an unfortunate event. Because of this, when victims try to describe their pain, their words often do not carry the weight of their true experience for the listener, leading to misunderstandings, dismissive reactions, or advice that does not address the emotional distress they are experiencing.

Social Stigma Around Being Deceived – Society tends to view intelligence and awareness as protections against fraud. When someone is scammed, they fear being judged as naïve or careless, leading them to struggle with shame and reluctance to talk openly.

Social stigma around being deceived further compounds the difficulty scam victims face in expressing their emotions. Society often equates intelligence and awareness with the ability to avoid fraud, reinforcing the idea that only gullible or careless individuals fall for scams. This perception makes victims hesitant to speak openly about their experiences, fearing judgment from others. They may worry that family, friends, or colleagues will see them as foolish, irresponsible, or even complicit in their own victimization. This shame creates a powerful barrier to communication, causing many victims to suffer in silence rather than risk being misunderstood or ridiculed. Even when they attempt to share their experiences, the fear of being labeled as naive or reckless can lead them to downplay their emotions, further limiting their ability to convey the depth of their suffering.

Trauma Alters Perception and Expression – Scam victims are often dealing with trauma responses, such as hypervigilance, dissociation, and difficulty processing emotions. This makes it harder to articulate their feelings, and when they do, their words may not carry the weight of their true emotions.

Trauma alters perception and expression in ways that make communication even more challenging for scam victims. The psychological effects of being scammed can mirror those of other traumatic experiences, leading to symptoms such as hypervigilance, dissociation, and emotional numbness. Victims may struggle to process what has happened to them, making it difficult to find the words that accurately describe their feelings. At times, they may feel overwhelmed by emotions they cannot explain, or they may experience moments of emotional detachment where they cannot feel anything at all. This fluctuation between distress and numbness can make it hard for them to articulate their pain in a way that others understand. Even when they do express their emotions, their words may not fully convey the intensity of what they are feeling, leading to further disconnection between them and their listeners.

Listeners Default to “Fixing the Problem” Instead of Validating Emotions – Many people, upon hearing about a scam, focus on logical solutions:

• • • “Just be more careful next time.”
    • “At least you didn’t lose more money.”
    • “Can’t you get your money back?”

Listeners often default to fixing the problem rather than validating the scam victim’s emotions, which can create an additional barrier to effective communication. When someone hears about a scam, their instinct is often to offer practical advice or reassurance. They may say things like, “Just be more careful next time,” “At least you didn’t lose more money,” or “Can’t you get your money back?” While these responses are usually well-intentioned, they fail to address the deep emotional distress the victim is experiencing. Scam victims are not just looking for solutions—they are trying to process a profound emotional and psychological wound. By focusing on logic rather than empathy, listeners may unintentionally dismiss or minimize the victim’s pain, making them feel even more isolated and unheard. Instead of receiving the emotional support they need, victims are left feeling as though their suffering is being brushed aside, reinforcing their sense of shame and self-blame.

Victims Struggle to Find the Right Words – Even the victims themselves may not fully understand their own emotions.

Victims themselves often struggle to find the right words to describe what they are going through. The emotions associated with being scammed are complex, often blending shame, anger, grief, and self-doubt into a confusing mix that is difficult to put into language. Because of this, victims may resort to using broad, simplistic phrases like “I feel broken” or “I don’t trust myself anymore.” While these statements are true, they do not fully capture the depth of their emotional turmoil, and listeners may not grasp the weight behind them. In some cases, victims may not even be fully aware of what they are feeling, as trauma can cloud self-awareness and emotional processing. Without a clear way to express their pain, victims can feel even more disconnected from others, trapped in a cycle where they want to be understood but cannot find the words to bridge the gap between their internal experience and external communication.

Why Language Fails Without Shared Context: A Universal Challenge

Language is an essential tool for communication, but it is inherently context-dependent. Words gain meaning not just from their literal definitions, but from shared experiences, cultural norms, emotions, and personal perspectives. When a speaker and a listener do not share the same context, language often fails to fully capture what is being communicated.

This is not unique to scam victims—language’s limitations affect all forms of deep, complex, or personal communication. Below, we explore why language functions this way and provide examples from different contexts where people struggle to convey their experiences.

Language is Built on Shared Experiences

Language works best when both parties have experienced something similar. When someone describes an event, emotion, or idea, the listener interprets it through their own lens—but if they lack a comparable experience, they may misinterpret, minimize, or fail to grasp the full depth of what is being said.

For example:

• • • Grief and Loss: When someone loses a loved one, they often say, “I feel empty” or “I feel lost.” A person who has never experienced profound grief may not fully understand what that means. They might interpret it as sadness, but grief often includes numbness, confusion, physical pain, and existential crisis, which those words fail to convey.
    • Chronic Pain: A person with a lifelong medical condition might say, “I’m exhausted all the time.” Someone without chronic illness may interpret this as normal tiredness, but chronic fatigue is not just being “sleepy”—it can mean feeling physically drained, mentally foggy, and incapable of even basic tasks. The language is the same, but the understanding is vastly different.
    • PTSD and Trauma: A war veteran might describe “being on edge” or “always looking over my shoulder.” To the average person, this might sound like mild anxiety, but in reality, it could mean experiencing hypervigilance, panic attacks, or flashbacks. Because the listener lacks the emotional and psychological context, they may not grasp the depth of the trauma being described.

Words Often Oversimplify Complex Experiences

Many human experiences—especially those involving deep emotions or psychological distress—are too complex to be fully captured by words.

• • • Love: If someone says, “I love you,” the listener interprets it based on their personal experiences of love—but love can mean different things: romantic love, familial love, unconditional love, passionate love, or even toxic attachment. The words alone do not explain what kind of love is being expressed.
    • Fear: A person might say, “I was terrified.” But was it momentary fear (like a jump scare)? Was it existential fear (like facing death)? Was it anxiety-driven fear (like fearing failure)? The same word is used, but the context changes the meaning entirely.
    • Trust: If someone says, “I don’t trust people anymore,” that could mean they feel betrayed, or it could mean they now have trouble forming new relationships, or even that they feel paranoid and unsafe in the world. The statement alone doesn’t communicate the full reality.

Scam victims experience this exact challenge—when they say, “I feel ashamed” or “I feel violated,” the listener may understand the words but not the depth of the emotional devastation.

Listeners Filter Language Through Their Own Experiences

Even when people understand words, they process them through their own experiences, biases, and perspectives. This leads to misinterpretation, dismissal, or minimization of what the speaker is trying to express.

• • • Example: “I’m depressed.”

      • A person who has never experienced depression might interpret this as feeling sad and say, “Just think positive!”
      • However, clinical depression is not just sadness—it can be a loss of energy, motivation, interest in life, or even the ability to function. The listener hears the words but lacks the mental model to truly understand them.

    • Example: “I was scammed and I feel like my world has collapsed.”

      • A person who has never been scammed may assume this means financial stress, not realizing that it also includes shame, self-doubt, social anxiety, and sometimes even PTSD.
      • They might respond, “Just move on,” because they don’t understand how deeply the scam has affected the victim’s identity and worldview.

The same words mean different things depending on the listener’s frame of reference.

Some Experiences Have No Direct Language Equivalents

There are some emotions, feelings, or experiences that simply do not have words in a given language.

For example:

• • • The Japanese word “Tsundoku” refers to the habit of buying books and never reading them. English does not have a single word for this—only a description.
    • The Portuguese word “Saudade” describes a deep emotional longing for someone or something that may never return. It is more than just “missing” someone—it carries a mix of nostalgia, love, and sorrow, yet English lacks a direct equivalent.

Similarly, scam victims often cannot find words to fully express how they feel about being deceived. The experience of betrayal by an illusion, loss of self-trust, and deep humiliation does not have a single word that captures its essence.

Because of this, victims often resort to metaphor or abstraction—they might say:

• • • “It feels like I lost a piece of myself.”
    • “I feel like I’m drowning in shame.”
    • “It’s like I was in a dream, and now I’ve woken up to a nightmare.”

These statements convey emotion, but unless the listener has been through a similar experience, they may not grasp the full psychological weight behind the words.

How Can We Bridge the Language Gap?

Since language alone often fails to communicate trauma, complex emotions, and personal suffering, how can we improve understanding between victims and those who wish to support them?

Encourage Active Listening

Instead of assuming meaning, listeners should ask open-ended questions like:

• • • • “Can you help me understand what this experience felt like for you?”
      • “What was the hardest part of this for you?”
      • “How has this affected how you see yourself and others?”

This gives the victim space to explain beyond the limits of language.

Use Analogies and Metaphors

Because some emotions have no direct words, victims can use stories, metaphors, or comparisons to make their experiences clearer.

• • • • Instead of “I feel ashamed,” they might say, “It’s like I was standing on solid ground, and suddenly the earth collapsed beneath me.”
      • Instead of “I feel betrayed,” they might say, “It’s like I thought I was drinking water, but it was poison.”

This makes abstract feelings more tangible for the listener.

Normalize Emotional Validation

Instead of responding with logic-based reassurance (e.g., “It wasn’t that bad,” “You’ll get over it”), validate the victim’s emotions by saying:

• • • “That sounds incredibly painful—I’m sorry you went through that.”
    • “I can see why this has affected you so deeply.”
    • “It makes sense that you feel this way after what happened.”

Validation helps bridge the emotional gap that language alone cannot cover.

Nature of Language

Language, by its nature, relies on shared context and personal experience. When that context is missing, words lose their full meaning and often fail to communicate deep emotions, trauma, or personal transformation. This happens in many areas of life—grief, depression, PTSD, and even everyday misunderstandings—but it is especially challenging for scam victims, whose experiences are often dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood.

By recognizing the limits of language, using active listening, metaphor, and emotional validation, we can create a deeper understanding between scam victims and those who support them, ensuring they feel heard, acknowledged, and respected in their journey toward healing.

Bridging the Language Gap: How to Support Scam Victims

If language often fails scam victims, how can we bridge the gap between what they are feeling and what others can understand?

Here are some key approaches:

Active Listening Without Judgment

Instead of trying to fix the problem, simply listen and validate the victim’s emotions. Responses such as:

• • • “I hear how painful this is for you.”
    • “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”
    • “You’re not alone—this happens to many people, and it doesn’t define you.”

These statements affirm the victim’s emotions rather than trying to minimize them.

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Rather than assuming how the victim feels, ask questions that allow them to express themselves freely:

• • • “What was the hardest part of this for you?”
    • “How has this experience changed the way you see things?”
    • “What do you need from me right now?”

This helps the victim feel heard and understood.

Acknowledge the Depth of the Experience

Recognize that being scammed is not just about money—it is about trust, identity, and emotional security. Instead of saying “at least it wasn’t worse,” say:

• • • “This kind of betrayal is devastating—I understand why it’s so painful.”

This validates the victim’s emotions without diminishing them.

Encourage Scam-Specific Support Networks

Because scam victims struggle to be understood by those who lack context, connecting with other victims can be a lifeline. Support groups, victim advocacy organizations, and therapists specializing in fraud trauma offer a space where their words will be fully understood.

Give Victims Time to Process

Healing from a scam takes time. Don’t pressure a victim to “move on” or “get over it” quickly. Instead, reassure them:

• • • “You have the right to take as much time as you need to heal.”

Final Thoughts

For scam victims, language often fails to capture the depth of their emotions, leaving them feeling misunderstood, isolated, and even more ashamed. This communication breakdown is not due to lack of intelligence or empathy from listeners, but rather the inherent limitation of words to express deeply personal trauma to someone who has never lived through it.

To truly support scam victims, we must learn to listen without judgment, validate their emotions, and acknowledge that their pain is real—even if we don’t fully understand it. Only by bridging this gap in contextual understanding can we help victims feel heard, supported, and empowered to heal.

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Important Information for New Scam Victims

• Please visit www.ScamVictimsSupport.org – a SCARS Website for New Scam Victims & Sextortion Victims
• SCARS Institute now offers a free recovery program at www.SCARSeducation.org
• Please visit www.ScamPsychology.org – to more fully understand the psychological concepts involved in scams and scam victim recovery

If you are looking for local trauma counselors please visit counseling.AgainstScams.org or join SCARS for our counseling/therapy benefit: membership.AgainstScams.org

If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

A Question of Trust

At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.

A Note About Labeling!

We often use the term ‘scam victim’ in our articles, but this is a convenience to help those searching for information in search engines like Google. It is just a convenience and has no deeper meaning. If you have come through such an experience, YOU are a Survivor! It was not your fault. You are not alone! Axios!

Statement About Victim Blaming

Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.

These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.

Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org

SCARS Resources:

• Getting Started: ScamVictimsSupport.org
• FREE enrollment in the SCARS Institute training programs for scam victims SCARSeducation.org
• For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
• Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
• Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
• Find competent trauma counselors or therapists, visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
• Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
• Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
• Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
• Learn more about the Psychology of Scams and Scam Victims: ScamPsychology.org
• Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
• Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
• Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)

Psychology Disclaimer:

All articles about psychology and the human brain on this website are for information & education only

The information provided in this and other SCARS articles are intended for educational and self-help purposes only and should not be construed as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling.

Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.

While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.

Additionally, any approach may not be appropriate for individuals with certain pre-existing mental health conditions or trauma histories. It is advisable to seek guidance from a licensed therapist or counselor who can provide personalized support, guidance, and treatment tailored to your specific needs.

If you are experiencing significant distress or emotional difficulties related to a scam or other traumatic event, please consult your doctor or mental health provider for appropriate care and support.

Also read our SCARS Institute Statement about Professional Care for Scam Victims – click here

If you are in crisis, feeling desperate, or in despair please call 988 or your local crisis hotline.

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