Don’t Forget to Read this – I almost Forgot to Write it

The Art of Forgetting, in Case We Forgot: When Letting Go Is Healthy—and When It’s Just Hiding

Primary Category: Scam Victim Recovery Psychology

Intended Audience: Scam Victims-Survivors / Family & Friends

Authors:
•  Vianey Gonzalez B.Sc(Psych) – Licensed Psychologist Specialty in Crime Victim Trauma Therapy, Neuropsychologist, Certified Deception Professional, Psychology Advisory Panel & Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.
•  Who did we forget? We don’t remember.

About This Article

Forgetting is not just a flaw in human memory—it’s a vital function of consciousness that supports emotional balance, cognitive efficiency, and personal growth. This article explores how forgetting helps you filter information, regulate emotional intensity, adapt to change, and prevent mental overload. It distinguishes healthy forgetting—a gradual, adaptive fading of painful or irrelevant memories—from defensive forgetting, such as compartmentalization, which buries unresolved trauma and can resurface through emotional or physical symptoms.

While both forms may feel similar on the surface, their effects on long-term wellbeing are vastly different. Healthy forgetting supports recovery, clarity, and integration; defensive forgetting delays healing and often keeps emotional pain active in the background. Through practical checklists and reflection prompts, you can assess how your memory habits are serving—or sabotaging—you. Ultimately, forgetting isn’t about erasing the past but creating space for a healthier present. To forget wisely is to heal with intention, to grow without distortion, and to remember only what serves the life you’re still building.

The Art of Forgetting, in Case We Forgot: When Letting Go Is Healthy—and When It’s Just Hiding

Consciousness must learn to forget because forgetting is essential for functioning, adaptation, and emotional survival. While memory allows you to learn, grow, and make decisions, not all experiences are helpful to retain in detail. Forgetting helps filter what matters from what doesn’t—and protects you from overload.

Why is Forgetting Necessary?

Here are the key reasons why forgetting is necessary:

Cognitive efficiency

Your brain is constantly processing an enormous volume of sensory and experiential data. Every face you see in a crowd, every sound in the background, every fleeting thought—all of these are registered to some degree. If you retained all of that information equally, your conscious mind would be overwhelmed and paralyzed by detail. Forgetting serves as a mental filter, allowing your mind to prioritize what’s meaningful or actionable and discard what’s redundant. This is how you’re able to stay focused on a task, make decisions without being distracted by irrelevant memories, and move efficiently through daily life. It’s not a defect in the system—it’s a feature.

Emotional regulation

Painful memories, especially those linked to trauma, shame, grief, or failure, carry emotional weight. If these remained at the forefront of your awareness indefinitely, your nervous system would remain in a constant state of stress. Over time, this could lead to depression, anxiety, or emotional shutdown. Forgetting, or more accurately, the brain’s natural process of reducing emotional intensity around memories, is part of how you regulate mood and maintain mental health. You don’t forget that something happened, but your brain learns to file it away in a way that no longer dominates your emotional state. This is critical for recovery and resilience.

Identity formation

Your sense of self is not fixed—it evolves. To grow into a more mature, stable, or authentic version of yourself, you must release older, outdated self-concepts. That may mean forgetting how you used to respond to certain situations, how you viewed the world, or how you defined your worth. Identity is partly shaped by memory, but too much attachment to past roles, behaviors, or narratives can trap you. Forgetting enables you to shed old versions of yourself so you can evolve. It clears mental space for new beliefs, relationships, and goals that reflect who you are becoming—not just who you were.

Focus and prioritization

The ability to focus is one of the most valuable tools of conscious thought. But focus depends on forgetting—or more precisely, filtering. Your conscious mind is only capable of holding a limited amount of information at one time (often referred to as working memory). Forgetting allows you to discard non-essential information in favor of the task, challenge, or relationship directly in front of you. If your attention were divided between everything you’ve ever known, you’d never be able to act decisively. Forgetting helps establish a mental hierarchy—what needs attention now, what can be ignored, and what can be returned to later if needed.

Neurobiological necessity

The brain’s physical structure requires forgetting as part of its long-term health. Through a process known as synaptic pruning, the brain eliminates neural connections that are no longer used. This pruning is most active in childhood and adolescence, but it continues throughout adulthood. Connections that are strengthened by repeated use are retained, while those that are ignored are allowed to decay. This allows your brain to stay flexible and energy-efficient. From a neurological perspective, forgetting is not a passive loss—it’s an active form of brain maintenance that ensures your mental energy is spent on what’s still relevant and meaningful.

Protection from fixation

Some thoughts, memories, or beliefs have the potential to become obsessive or intrusive—especially if they are tied to fear, guilt, or trauma. Without the ability to forget or reframe these mental patterns, consciousness can become fixated. This fixation can impair decision-making, skew your perception of reality, and trap you in emotional loops. Learning to forget—or intentionally setting aside certain lines of thinking—is how you reclaim your mental autonomy. It’s the foundation of practices like mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy, where individuals learn to notice intrusive thoughts without attaching to them, gradually loosening their grip. Forgetting, in this context, is not erasure but liberation from fixation.

Forgetting and Mental Health

Forgetting helps maintain mental health by allowing your brain to regulate emotion, reduce cognitive overload, and make room for healing and personal growth. While memory is important, the ability to forget—selectively, gradually, and unconsciously—is just as vital. Without it, your mind would become cluttered with outdated information, unprocessed pain, and intrusive thoughts that could interfere with everyday functioning.

Here are several ways forgetting supports mental health:

It prevents emotional flooding

If every painful or embarrassing memory remained fully vivid, your emotional system would be under constant strain. Forgetting softens the emotional intensity of past experiences. It gives your brain the space to focus on present challenges without being repeatedly triggered by unresolved feelings. This is particularly important in trauma recovery, where forgetting—or more precisely, the brain’s ability to reduce the salience of a traumatic memory—is part of how healing begins.

It enables resilience after failure or loss

Everyone makes mistakes, suffers losses, or experiences moments of humiliation. Remembering these events in detail can be useful temporarily—so you can learn. But carrying them at full volume forever serves no purpose. Forgetting helps you move on. It gives you psychological permission to re-engage with life, relationships, and risk without being dominated by fear of repeating the past. This is how resilience is formed—not by denying what happened, but by no longer allowing it to define you.

It supports emotional regulation

Memory is tied to emotional states. When you’re in a low mood, your brain tends to recall other times you felt low, reinforcing the negative spiral. Forgetting helps disrupt this pattern. If emotional memories weren’t tempered over time, every bad day would trigger a cascade of past disappointments. The brain’s ability to fade or compartmentalize certain memories protects against chronic rumination and emotional overload.

It promotes adaptability and identity growth

Your identity is not fixed—it changes as you grow. Forgetting helps you let go of outdated self-images or beliefs that no longer serve you. If you clung to every past failure, version of yourself, or label you once wore, you’d struggle to evolve. Forgetting enables reinvention. It’s how people recover from major life shifts—divorce, career changes, betrayals, or personal losses. You don’t forget everything, but you allow some parts of the story to fade, so you can write a new one.

It reduces the risk of obsessive thinking

Obsessive rumination—thinking the same thought over and over—is a feature of anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Forgetting helps break these loops. When your brain is able to weaken the neural pathways tied to distressing thoughts, it frees up attention for healthier perspectives. This is also why therapeutic techniques like EMDR or cognitive reframing are so effective—they help the brain reduce the emotional grip of certain memories without requiring conscious effort to forget them.

It protects focus and cognitive efficiency

Your conscious mind can only hold a small amount of information at once. Forgetting irrelevant, distracting, or outdated information preserves your ability to focus. This is essential for problem-solving, decision-making, and emotional balance. A cluttered memory system impairs performance and creates mental fatigue. Forgetting is the brain’s way of clearing space for what matters now.

Forgetting is not just the fading of memory—it’s an active process that protects your emotional stability, cognitive clarity, and ability to adapt. Without forgetting, you’d carry too much—too many regrets, too much noise, too many unresolved patterns. Forgetting doesn’t erase the past. It just allows you to stop living in it.

The Difference Between Healthy Forgetting and Defensive Compartmentalization

• Forgetting: is often a passive, adaptive process where the brain naturally fades or deprioritizes information that is no longer useful, emotionally overwhelming, or cognitively distracting. It’s what allows you to move forward, recover clarity, and form new connections. This type of forgetting tends to happen gradually and doesn’t deny reality—it simply reduces the emotional charge of memories over time.
• Compartmentalization: by contrast, is a deliberate or automatic defense mechanism where a person psychologically separates painful experiences, emotions, or memories from the rest of their conscious awareness in order to function. On the surface, it might seem like forgetting, but it’s actually suppression, not resolution.

Here’s how they differ in trauma recovery:

Healthy forgetting lowers emotional intensity; compartmentalization buries it.

Forgetting allows painful memories to become less emotionally raw, so they no longer dominate your thinking. You remember the event, but it doesn’t trigger the same emotional flood. Compartmentalization often hides the emotional material behind a psychological wall. You still carry the pain—it’s just stored where it can’t be processed. That pain may leak out later in the form of anxiety, anger, depression, or physical symptoms.

Forgetting makes room for integration; compartmentalization blocks it.

Recovery from trauma involves integrating the experience into your life story in a way that no longer controls you. That doesn’t require remembering every detail—it requires accepting what happened and understanding how it affected you. Compartmentalization delays this. It prevents you from emotionally connecting the dots, which is why people who compartmentalize trauma often feel confused, numb, or split off from themselves.

Healthy forgetting is flexible; compartmentalization is rigid.

The brain’s natural forgetting process allows memories to fade, evolve, or be reinterpreted over time. Compartmentalization locks memories into isolated boxes that don’t interact with your present-day awareness. This can cause inconsistencies in behavior, identity confusion, and chronic distress without a clear source.

Forgetting supports forward movement; compartmentalization keeps you stuck.

Forgetting helps you let go of unnecessary suffering. It’s how you grow beyond pain and reclaim your attention for the present. Compartmentalization delays healing because the unresolved trauma remains emotionally active beneath the surface, even if you think you’ve “moved on.” That’s why triggers can feel so destabilizing—they expose what was never dealt with.

So, is it contradictory?

No—it’s a distinction between letting go and shoving down. Forgetting is a slow release. Compartmentalization is a locked room.

In trauma recovery, the goal isn’t to relive or obsess over pain—it’s to process it enough that forgetting becomes possible. Once an experience has been emotionally processed, the brain can begin to forget the charge, even if it remembers the event. That’s the difference between a scar and an open wound.

Forgetting is the brain’s reward for doing the emotional work.
Compartmentalization is what happens when you avoid that work—until the walls crack.

How Can You Remember Why You Forget When You Forgot to Remember?

That’s a highly relevant and nuanced question, especially for anyone navigating trauma, loss, or emotionally intense experiences. At face value, forgetting might feel the same—less emotional pain, fewer thoughts about the event—but the motivation, timing, and emotional consequences are different when it’s a defense mechanism versus a healthy process.

Here’s how to tell the difference:

Check for emotional residue

Ask: Does the memory still trigger strong reactions when it surfaces unexpectedly?

• • • Healthy forgetting means the emotional charge has lessened. You can recall the event without being overwhelmed.
    • Defensive forgetting (like compartmentalization or suppression) means the emotions are still raw but pushed out of awareness. Triggers—like certain smells, words, or situations—can cause disproportionate reactions, even if you don’t connect them to the original memory.

If you find yourself emotionally reactive without a clear reason, it may suggest the memory is hidden, not resolved.

Notice if you’re avoiding something specific

Ask: Am I intentionally avoiding people, places, or topics that relate to this event?

• • • Healthy forgetting does not rely on avoidance. You might not dwell on a past experience, but you’re not afraid of reminders.
    • Defensive forgetting requires active avoidance. You might dodge conversations, skip movies or locations, or shut down when others bring up related topics.

If something feels “off-limits” emotionally, that’s usually a defense at work, not natural forgetting.

Assess your sense of integration

Ask: Does this experience feel like part of my life story, or does it feel disconnected or unreal?

• • • Healthy forgetting means the memory has been processed and folded into your personal narrative, even if it’s not front-of-mind anymore.
    • Defensive forgetting often creates a sense of fragmentation. You might say, “It feels like it happened to someone else,” or “It’s just a blur.” This kind of forgetting often comes with confusion, identity issues, or blank spots in your timeline.

If the memory feels distant but still emotionally active—or not emotionally active but strangely hollow—it could be a sign of compartmentalization.

Look at your behaviors

Ask: Am I engaging in impulsive, compulsive, or avoidant behaviors that don’t make sense on the surface?

• • • Healthy forgetting leads to behavioral freedom. You can make decisions based on present needs, not old wounds.
    • Defensive forgetting often shows up as unexplained behavior: sudden outbursts, overreactions, numbing, perfectionism, self-sabotage, or over-control. These may be coping strategies tied to unacknowledged emotional pain.

If you don’t know why you’re doing something—but it feels protective—that’s a cue to look deeper.

Ask how much choice you feel

Ask: Do I feel like I’ve chosen to move on, or does it feel like I had to bury it to survive?

• • • Healthy forgetting includes choice. You might say, “I’ve made peace with that,” or “It doesn’t hurt like it used to.”
    • Defensive forgetting often feels forced. People say things like, “I don’t want to talk about it,” “It’s in the past,” or “Thinking about it won’t change anything”—but there’s tension behind the words.

When forgetting is a defense, you may sense the presence of a closed door, not a completed chapter.

See how your body responds

Ask: Do I feel safe in my body when I reflect on the past, or does tension rise?

• • • Healthy forgetting leaves the body at ease. You may feel sad or wistful, but not hijacked.
    • Defensive forgetting often leaves the body holding the memory. Common signs include headaches, stomach issues, tight muscles, shallow breathing, or a vague sense of dread when approaching certain thoughts.

If your body braces—even while your mind claims to have “moved on”—you may be suppressing rather than releasing.

About Healthy and Defensive Forgetting

Healthy Forgetting

• • Emotional reaction softens over time
  • Minimal or no avoidance of related people, places, or topics
  • The memory feels like an integrated part of your life story
  • Behavior is generally aligned with your current values and present circumstances
  • Forgetting feels voluntary and chosen, not forced
  • The body remains calm or neutral when reflecting on the event

Defensive Forgetting

• • Emotional intensity remains and shows up through triggers
  • Strong, consistent avoidance of anything related to the event
  • The memory feels fragmented, distant, or unreal
  • Behavior is influenced by unresolved past emotions, often through impulsivity or control
  • Forgetting feels like a survival mechanism, not a choice
  • The body reacts with tension, anxiety, or unease when the topic comes up

A Simple Test

Try saying aloud: “This happened to me, and it hurt. But I survived it.”

• • • If you can say it with calm or sadness but without fear, you’re probably in the realm of healthy forgetting.
    • If you can’t say it, or if your body tightens, your mind goes blank, or emotion surges up—there’s still something that needs to be worked through.

You don’t have to dig up every memory. But if something is buried alive, it tends to show up anyway—just not where you’re looking. That’s the key difference. Healthy forgetting doesn’t fear the truth. Defensive forgetting does.

Self-Assessment Checklist: Healthy vs. Defensive Forgetting

Here’s a practical checklist and reflection guide to help you assess whether your forgetting is healthy or a defensive coping mechanism.

Use this checklist when thinking about a specific memory, experience, or emotional wound. Answer honestly to evaluate how you relate to it now.

Self-Assessment Checklist

1. Emotional Response
☐ When I think about this, my emotions feel balanced or manageable
☐ I still feel intense emotion, anxiety, or distress when reminded of this

2. Avoidance
☐ I don’t go out of my way to avoid people, places, or topics related to it
☐ I actively avoid or shut down anything that reminds me of it

3. Memory Coherence
☐ This memory feels like it belongs in the broader story of my life
☐ The memory feels vague, fragmented, or unreal—like it happened to someone else

4. Influence on Behavior
☐ I make decisions based on present needs and values
☐ My choices feel reactive or driven by past pain I haven’t fully dealt with

5. Sense of Choice
☐ I feel like I’ve chosen to move on from this in a grounded way
☐ I feel like I had to bury it just to function

6. Physical Reaction
☐ My body stays calm when I reflect on it
☐ I feel tension, a racing heart, or unease when it comes up

Scoring Guide

Count the TOP and BOTTOM responses separately in the checklist

• • • If you checked mostly the top responses: You’re likely practicing healthy forgetting.
    • If you checked mostly the bottom responses: You may be using defensive forgetting. Consider exploring the memory in a safe, structured way—possibly with support.
    • A mix of both: There may be unresolved aspects worth revisiting, even if most of the experience feels integrated.

Reflection Prompts

Use these prompts to explore your forgetting with more depth:

1. 1. • What makes this memory difficult or uncomfortable to face?
      • Am I avoiding this out of self-protection, or am I truly at peace with it?
      • How would it feel to share this story with someone I trust?
      • Do I notice patterns in my life that might be connected to this past event?
      • What would I need in order to revisit this safely and with support?

This guide isn’t about digging up pain for its own sake—it’s about clarifying what’s unresolved so you can make room for genuine healing. If anything feels overwhelming as you work through it, take a break and come back later, or talk it through with someone trained to help.

Conclusion

If Flora forgot that Felix forgot, but Felix forgot that Flora forgot he forgot, who forgot what first, and who’s faking forgetfulness faster?

Forgetting is not just about loss—it’s about survival, clarity, and space for what comes next. Consciousness doesn’t need perfect recall. It needs functional memory: remembering what’s useful, letting go of what isn’t, and updating what no longer fits.

Forgetting is not failure. It’s not weakness. It is an essential cognitive function that supports focus, emotional health, identity, and transformation. Consciousness is not designed to be a perfect archive—it’s designed to help you adapt, grow, and act. Forgetting is one of the ways your mind makes space for the life you are still building.

So yes—forgetting can be good for you. It clears space, quiets noise, and lets your mind focus on the business of living. But don’t get too comfortable sweeping things under the rug. Sometimes what we call “letting go” is really just “stuffing it in the attic and locking the door.” The trick is knowing the difference.

Healthy forgetting is like spring cleaning—you decide what to keep, what to toss, and what to box up for later with a label. Defensive forgetting, on the other hand, is more like stuffing everything into a closet and hoping it doesn’t burst open during a dinner party.

In the end, forgetting wisely is a form of remembering: remembering that some things are worth holding onto, and others are best released—but only after you’ve read the label, understood the story, and made peace with the mess. So go ahead, forget what you need to—but remember why you forgot it in the first place.

So, don’t forget this, for if you do, then you will not remember why you can’t remember!

If you remember, read this too: https://scamsnow.com/denial-avoidance-will-not-help-scam-victims-2024/

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If you need to speak with someone now, you can dial 988 or find phone numbers for crisis hotlines all around the world here: www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

A Question of Trust

At the SCARS Institute, we invite you to do your own research on the topics we speak about and publish, Our team investigates the subject being discussed, especially when it comes to understanding the scam victims-survivors experience. You can do Google searches but in many cases, you will have to wade through scientific papers and studies. However, remember that biases and perspectives matter and influence the outcome. Regardless, we encourage you to explore these topics as thoroughly as you can for your own awareness.

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Some of our articles discuss various aspects of victims. This is both about better understanding victims (the science of victimology) and their behaviors and psychology. This helps us to educate victims/survivors about why these crimes happened and to not blame themselves, better develop recovery programs, and to help victims avoid scams in the future. At times this may sound like blaming the victim, but it does not blame scam victims, we are simply explaining the hows and whys of the experience victims have.

These articles, about the Psychology of Scams or Victim Psychology – meaning that all humans have psychological or cognitive characteristics in common that can either be exploited or work against us – help us all to understand the unique challenges victims face before, during, and after scams, fraud, or cybercrimes. These sometimes talk about some of the vulnerabilities the scammers exploit. Victims rarely have control of them or are even aware of them, until something like a scam happens and then they can learn how their mind works and how to overcome these mechanisms.

Articles like these help victims and others understand these processes and how to help prevent them from being exploited again or to help them recover more easily by understanding their post-scam behaviors. Learn more about the Psychology of Scams at www.ScamPsychology.org

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Note about Mindfulness: Mindfulness practices have the potential to create psychological distress for some individuals. Please consult a mental health professional or experienced meditation instructor for guidance should you encounter difficulties.

While any self-help techniques outlined herein may be beneficial for scam victims seeking to recover from their experience and move towards recovery, it is important to consult with a qualified mental health professional before initiating any course of action. Each individual’s experience and needs are unique, and what works for one person may not be suitable for another.

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