The Self-Pity Trap & How To Overcome It

By Tim McGuinness, Ph.D. – Anthropologist, Scientist, Director of the Society of Citizens Against Relationship Scams Inc.

Self-Pity And Being The Victim Of A Scam Or Fraud – It Can Be A Very Distressing Experience

It can be difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone has taken advantage of you, and it is normal to feel a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and embarrassment. However, if you find yourself dwelling on your negative emotions and feeling sorry for yourself, it is important to find ways to overcome self-pity.

If you think this discussion is blaming victims, it is not, but please see below.

What Is Self-Pity?

Self-pity is a feeling of sadness and self-indulgence that comes from dwelling on one’s own misfortunes. It is fairly common with anyone in a negative situation, such as following a relationship scam.

It is a negative emotion that can be harmful to both the individual and the people around them. It can become especially harmful if it occurs regularly and is particularly intense.

People who engage in self-pity often focus on their own problems and ignore the positive aspects of their lives or the support that others are trying to provide. They may also make excuses for their own behavior and blame others for their problems. Self-pity can lead to feelings of hopelessness, despair, and isolation.

Here are some examples of self-pity:

• Complaining about your problems to anyone who will listen.
• Making excuses for your own behavior and blaming others for your problems.
• Feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling on your misfortunes.
• Refusing to take responsibility for your own life.
• Isolating yourself from others and withdrawing from social activities.

Self-pity can be a difficult emotion to overcome, but it is important to remember that everyone experiences difficult times in their lives. It is important to focus on the positive aspects of your life and to take steps to improve your situation. If you are struggling with self-pity, it is important to seek professional help.

What Is Going On In The Brain When Victims Experience Self-Pity Or Negative Emotions?

When scam victims experience self-pity or negative thoughts, a number of things are happening in their brains.

Amygdala

One area of the brain that is particularly active is the amygdala. The amygdala is responsible for processing emotions, and it plays a role in both positive and negative emotions. When scam victims experience self-pity or negative thoughts, the amygdala becomes activated and releases stress hormones such as cortisol.

This is the opposite of an amygdala hijack where a criminal hijacks the victim’s emotions. In this case, the amygdala hijacks you!

Hormones

The hormone cortisol plays a significant role too and can have a number of negative effects on the brain, including:

• Reduced cognitive function: Cortisol can impair memory, attention, and decision-making.
• Increased anxiety and depression: Cortisol can make people feel more anxious and depressed.
• Reduced motivation: Cortisol can make it difficult for people to stay motivated and engaged in activities.

The following hormones play a role in self-pity and negative emotions in scam victims:

• Cortisol: Cortisol is a stress hormone that is released by the adrenal glands in response to stress. It can have a number of negative effects on the brain, including impairing memory, attention, and decision-making.
• Adrenaline: Adrenaline is another stress hormone that is released by the adrenal glands. It can cause a number of physical changes, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate. It can also lead to feelings of anxiety and fear.
• Norepinephrine: Norepinephrine is a third stress hormone that is released by the adrenal glands. It can also cause a number of physical changes, such as increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing rate. It can also lead to feelings of anxiety and alertness.
• Dopamine: Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that is involved in reward processing and motivation. When scam victims experience self-pity or negative thoughts, dopamine levels may decrease. This can lead to feelings of depression and a lack of motivation.
• Serotonin: Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is involved in mood regulation. When scam victims experience self-pity or negative thoughts, serotonin levels may decrease. This can lead to feelings of depression and anxiety.

The interaction of these hormones can lead to a number of negative emotions in scam victims, including self-pity, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. These emotions can make it difficult for scam victims to cope with their experiences and to move on with their lives.

Prefrontal Cortex

Another area of the brain that is active when scam victims experience self-pity or negative thoughts is the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for executive function, which includes planning, decision-making, and problem-solving. When the prefrontal cortex is activated by negative emotions, it can become less effective at these tasks.

This can lead to scam victims making poor decisions, such as not reporting the scam or not taking steps to protect themselves from future scams. It can also inhibit interest in their own recovery, such as by joining a support group.

Other Areas

In addition to the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, other areas of the brain that may be involved in self-pity and negative thoughts include the hippocampus, striatum, and insula.

The hippocampus is involved in memory formation and retrieval. The striatum is involved in reward processing and motivation. The insula is involved in emotional processing and self-awareness.

When scam victims experience self-pity or negative thoughts, these areas of the brain may be working together to create a negative feedback or reactivity loop. This feedback loop can make it difficult for scam victims to break out of their negative thoughts and feelings.

It is important to note that everyone experiences self-pity and negative thoughts from time to time. However, for scam victims, these thoughts and feelings can be more intense and persistent. This is because scam victims have experienced significant loss, trauma, grief, and they may feel like they have been betrayed and lost trust.

If you are a scam victim and you are struggling with self-pity or negative thoughts, it is important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to understand your emotions and to develop coping mechanisms. Find trauma counselors or therapists at counseling.AgainstScams.org

Overcoming Self-Pity & Negative Emotions

Here are some tips for overcoming self-pity when you are the victim of a scam or fraud:

• Allow yourself to feel your emotions. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, even if they are negative. Trying to suppress your feelings will only make them worse in the long run.
• Talk to someone you trust. Talking to a friend, family member, counselor or therapist, or other trusted person can help you to process your emotions and to get the support you need.
• Remind yourself that you are not alone. Millions of people fall victim to scams and fraud each year. It is important to remember that you are not to blame for what happened to you.
• Focus on what you can control. You cannot control the fact that you were scammed, but you can control how you react to it. Focus on the things that you can control, such as your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• Take steps to protect yourself in the future. There are a number of things you can do to protect yourself from being scammed in the future. Learn more about common scams and how to avoid them. Be careful about who you give personal information to. Be wary of unsolicited offers.
• Forgive yourself. It is important to forgive yourself for being scammed. Everyone makes mistakes. Dwelling on your mistake will only make you feel worse. Instead, focus on learning from your experience and moving on.

It is important to remember that overcoming self-pity takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and don’t give up. With time and effort, you will be able to move on from your experience and build a better life for yourself.

Tips

Here are some additional tips that may be helpful:

• Avoid negative people and situations. Surround yourself with positive people who support you and who make you feel good about yourself. Avoid people and situations that make you feel bad about yourself or that trigger your negative emotions.
• Challenge your negative thoughts. When you find yourself thinking negatively about yourself or your situation, challenge those thoughts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are realistic and helpful. If not, replace them with more positive and realistic thoughts.
• Celebrate your successes. No matter how small they may seem, take the time to celebrate your successes. This will help you to focus on the positive aspects of your life and to build your self-esteem.

Remember, you are not alone. Many people have been through similar experiences and have been able to overcome them. With time and effort, you can too.

If you are struggling to overcome self-pity after being scammed, it is important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to understand your feelings and to develop coping mechanisms.

SCARS Resources:

• For New Victims of Relationship Scams newvictim.AgainstScams.org
• Subscribe to SCARS Newsletter newsletter.againstscams.org
• Sign up for SCARS professional support & recovery groups, visit support.AgainstScams.org
• Find competent trauma counselors or therapists, visit counseling.AgainstScams.org
• Become a SCARS Member and get free counseling benefits, visit membership.AgainstScams.org
• Report each and every crime, learn how to at reporting.AgainstScams.org
• Learn more about Scams & Scammers at RomanceScamsNOW.com and ScamsNOW.com
• Global Cyber Alliance ACT Cybersecurity Tool Website: Actionable Cybersecurity Tools (ACT) (globalcyberalliance.org)
• Self-Help Books for Scam Victims are at shop.AgainstScams.org
• Donate to SCARS and help us help others at donate.AgainstScams.org
• Worldwide Crisis Hotlines: International Suicide Hotlines – OpenCounseling : OpenCounseling
• Campaign To End Scam Victim Blaming – 2024 (scamsnow.com)

More:

• Exposing Self-Pity: The Counterfeit Coping Mechanism – Mark DeJesus
• EP 105: Practical Steps to Overcome Self Pity – Thankful Homemaker
• Self pity destroys everything – (zaidismail.com)
• Scam Victims And The Reactivity Loop (scamsnow.com)
• Hope & The “Pig Pen” Syndrome (scamsnow.com)
• Psychology of Scams – Article Catalog (romancescamsnow.com)
• The Scam Is Over But You Are Still Being Manipulated (romancescamsnow.com)
• Emotional Danger After The Scam (romancescamsnow.com)
• Sadness & Scam Recovery (romancescamsnow.com)
• Losing Control (romancescamsnow.com)
• Hate As A Coping Mechanism (romancescamsnow.com)

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